Jared's Double Secret Probation

By The Sores of Glitchy Gloomy

Lost in Amerika
March 5, 2018

Before we get to today's insanity, please stand for America the Beautiful, as sung by almost 70 percent of the American people.

Oh beautiful for Chrumpless lives
His amber wave on brain
For purple cheeks from holding breath
Until he goes away

America, America, we should have had Hillary (or Bernie)
To find our good, without that hood
Who shames us endlessly

Can You Creep a Secret?

Some of you might remember a guy called Jared Chrump, nee Kushner. He is working for no pay in the West Wing by the ample side of his father-in-law Don. As a master-of-no-one-knows-what, Jared is charged with reforming the criminal justice system, running the office of American innovation, reforming veteran health care, tackling the opioid epidemic and revamping the entire federal government. Oh, and brokering a Middle East peace deal. Young Jared’s previous experience was mostly crooked real estate deals (just like his dad-in-law) and being intimate with Ivanka (just like his dad-in-law?). Many of you haters out there probably think he has no business working in the White House. I know I do. But no matter, Jared has been literally slaving away since day one of the incredibly short Chrump Era.

Prince Jared has had his security clearance downgraded to Get-the-fuck-out-of-here-you-little-shit. True fun fact: The White House chief calligrapher has a higher security clearance than Jared. This is good news especially since we have learned that The United Arab Emirates, Israel, China and Mexico have been figuring out how to play Mr. Ivanka like a fiddle on the roof. These countries were planning to manipulate Kushner by taking advantage of the fact that his convoluted business is in the toilet, he has no experience in…well, anything – especially foreign policy – and he has a brain the size and stability of a subatomic particle. Oh, and he is an inherently dishonest, greedy conman. All of this, of course, runs in the Chrump family, and is a prerequisite if you plan to marry into it.

The Royal Pains in the Ass Family

 

Prince Jared has been having secret meetings with all kinds of people about all kinds of things, usually involving him fattening his wallet. He had meetings in the White House with numerous executives – bankers, hedge funders…you know, regular folks – and coincidentally saw over half a billion dollars in what are being called loans, from two of those very same executives, end up in Kushner’s companies. I am sure this is all perfectly legal and innocent. These things happen all the time. I long ago lost count of all the hundreds of millions of dollars in loans I have gotten over the years. You know what they say: Don’t ask, don’t ask.

While America will be safer with one less self-serving no-nothing having access to top secret information, there is still one tiny, little, humongous, gaping hole in the national security information flow. That would be the one man who is beyond the reach of the military, the intelligence community, and intelligence in general – Donald J. Chrump. This guy has access to everything and anything and no one can legitimately take it away from him. The only good news, is that he has very little interest and very little ability to understand any of the information that might penetrate his impregnable ego. That, unfortunately, has not stopped him from repeatedly divulging sensitive information that endangers our national security.

Our prezident - the man with the highest security clearance of all - is also busy aiding and abetting Russia’s election interference program. You know, the one that helped get him “elected”. U.S. Cyber Command chief Adm. Mike Rogers told lawmakers that Chrump has not granted the authority to disrupt Russian election hacking operations where they originate.

Our sources are thus far unable to determine what happens next to the First Son-in-law. While Chrump is standing by his man in public, it appears that he has asked his hatchet man and Chief-of-stuff John Kelly to get Jared (and Ivanka) out of the White House. Chrump of course, does not have the balls to actually fire anyone himself. We assume Mr. Ivanka will be considering “pursuing other opportunities”, which is the “to-spend-more-time-with-his-family” of the current administration. Besides, Kushner is already spending about as much time with his family as possible, since they are all right there in our White House, stealing our money, our sanity and our democracy.

Meanwhile, Republican’ts on the House Intelligence Committee leaked private texts containing classified information from Senate Intelligence Committee Ranking Member Mark Warner directly to Fux News. A spokesman for rogue congressman Devin Nunes, Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee and unpaid Donald Chrump operative, did not deny the allegations of Nunes’ latest leakage. Also, Putin announced his new Doomsday Machine, which can negate any type of defense, though he only showed the cartoon version so far. Chrump had no response. Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) wonders what Putin has on Chrump.

The original Doomsday Machine

Overall, I am damn glad I live on the East Coast because by the time they wake up on the other coast, there have already been five or six mind-blowing debacles to process.

I. Mangrey recoiling.