July 30, 2018
“These midterm elections have nothing to do with me. I’m not running for anything. I’m doing a great job. The best job anyone has ever done, I would
say, in history. Everyone says so. Even the failing New York Times. But not CNN – FAKE NEWS. The fakest ever. They never say nice things about Chrump. Anyway, my Republican’ts are going to win
bigly because of the great job I’m doing making America great again. I don’t need any help from Russia, but
Russia, if you’re listening, don’t you dare interfere in our elections…unless
you think it’s a good idea. Stop helping
all those Democrats or Chrump will kiss…I mean kick your ass. No one is tougher on you guys than
Chrump. And you know it. Everyone knows it. I’m too busy to get involved in midterms,
always was. Finals too. It doesn’t matter since I have a very good
brain. A very stable genius. I’m so smart it’s scary. If I can find the time, I will be campaigning
six or seven, maybe even nine or ten days a week to make sure Crooked Hillary’s
Democrats cannot get in my way. Remember
when I beat Hillary? That was pretty
amazing. I will beat her again too.”
He once said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not
lose a single vote. It is clear at this
point that he could shoot each and every one of his supporters, and if the shot
was not fatal they would still vote for him.
“Stand up and be counted!"
One of the injured attendees brushed off attempts to assess
her condition, and instead sought out reporters, “It is a blessing to be shot
by such a great president. He could have
hit anyone, especially since he was screaming, “Lock her up, lock her up” while
shooting blindly into the crowd. Mr.
Chrump was just telling it like it is, and showing the whole world that he is
willing to shoot off more than just his mouth.
Paying attention Iran? I may not
feel great right now but I’ll be great again tomorrow. All you fake newsers will report on is that
Mr. Chrump – hallowed be his name – shot a bunch of people, not on the amazing
Second Amendment that he demonstrated here today. All of you are fake news and enemies of the state and you will pay for your sins. You don’t see this kind of shooting in
Russia. They’re not allowed to have
guns. I believe that Putin wants to arm
Russians, but the Russian congress won’t allow it. Mr. Chrump wants to help Putin get a Second
Amendment because he loves it so much he wants to share. Talking to you is making me feel weak,
because you are so fake. Not because of
the pool of blood at my feet. It’s not
my blood. Probably not even blood.” The woman then crumpled in a heap with a
sickening thud – not nearly as sickening as her words.
Despite shrieking to the contrary, Der Furor is gearing up
for the midterm elections. There are
reports that à la Nixon, Chrump is bringing in specialists to help “fix our
elections.” Since Cubans are not white
enough, Chrump is thought to be bringing in Russians to safeguard the votes
this November. According to Chrump, “As
everyone knows, I love our intelligence people – the best people. That doesn’t mean they’re always right. I think Russia did a great job not
interfering in our rigged election. I
know I can trust them because Putin told me I could. Very strongly and powerfully. They know how to get my people fired up to
vote.” If there is one thing Chrump knows
as well as anyone, it is how to play to his base. He is a master baser.
I. Mangrey reloading.
Ask first, shoot questions later.
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