August 15, 2018
You can stop holding your breath, pacing, biting your nails,
waiting by the phone (which really makes no sense if your waiting for something
on the internets), or whatever you do while waiting for another shoe to drop,
or simply hoping we were kidding about there being a part two. Here is Part Two of our riveting one-on-whatever-the-hell-Ollie-North-is.
North: Get a grip Willie.
Totally different things.
Printing presses aren’t guns, okay?
Everyone knows that. ‘Well
regulated militia’ was nothing more than a catchphrase back then. Kind of like, “Where’s the beef,” or “Drain
the Swamp,” or “Build the Wall,” or “I have a very good brain.” Don’t be so literal.
Nilly: Okay, let’s agree to disagree on that for now. We might also disagree that you might be just
a bit of a sociopath, but the public record clearly shows that you are, so
let’s move on. What are you planning to
change about the First Amendment? I
mean, we’re already like 45th in the world on freedom of the press. Forty-fifth Ollie. This is supposed to be a cornerstone of what
this country is all about.
North: Our new First Amendment will shed the useless
protections of the free press and protect us from all the fake news out there –
Fux News has all the freedom they need and have consistently made America
proud. They tell the president what to
think, which takes a lot of pressure off the NRA, and he does what they tell
him. It’s a great system really. They are all the free press this great-again
nation needs. In fact, the president’s new communications director Bill Shine,
who was fired from Fux for allegedly enabling sexual harassment there, was
given an ethics waiver so that he can continue to coordinate – NOT COLLUSION –
with Fux. Ethics are for poor people and
Democrats anyway. You don’t see me
flaunting ethics. America will not be
great again if we waste a lot of time worrying about ethics.
Nilly: Tell me something, is great-again one word? Does anyone actually know what that even means? Did Reagan define that when he used the same
phrase almost 40 years ago? Couldn’t
Chrump even come up with an original slogan?
You all know that Reagan would have hated this guy right?
North: That’s all just more fake news; just because it’s
true doesn’t make it real. That’s why we
have to keep the enemy of the people in check.
We can’t let the enemy of the people run rampant. Next thing you know they’re reporting on
trading arms for hostages with Iran, and that’s dangerous talk. Or reminding
everyone that Mr. Chrump’s summits with Kim Jong Un and Putin were completely
worthless – except for whatever he secretly promised Russia.
Nilly: But you did in fact provide Iran with weapons at a
time when they were a mortal enemy. I’m
talking about Iran by the way, not the free press.
North: Again, I don’t recall doing any of that. All I know is that what really makes America
special is not the fake media, but the ability to shoot anyone, anytime. God gave us the right to bear arms and no
other country has nearly as many gun related death as we do. God bless America. And that’s why we cling to our God and our
Guns.
Nilly: Boy, you guys sure weren’t very happy when Obama
talked about that.
North: Well, there were good reasons for that. It’s kind of like the “N” word. It’s okay when Kenyans like Obama use it, but
us regular folks, who might wear tennis shoes or an occasional python boot,
aren’t allowed to say it…at least not in public. We don’t think people like Obama should be
talking about us at all, let alone knowing us better than we know ourselves.
We are excited about this Second First Amendment, which will
streamline things greatly. Here’s what
we like so far:
Congress shall make no law restricting the collecting,
hoarding, or wanton expression of their God-given freedom to shoot, or
prohibiting the ability to murder so-called innocent people for any reason,
often in large numbers; and the right to petition the Government at any hint of
restricting anything to do with guns; the right of the people to keep and bear
Arms shall not be infringed.
Since we are proposing significant changes to the old First
Amendment, we should probably do something about the Second; we can’t just skip
to the Third. No one even knows what
that one is anyway.
A well regulated, or even an out-of-control, Militia, being
necessary to the security of a free State, the fake news media and all fake
religions will be appropriately scrutinized by a specially appointed Central
Scrutinizer.
Nilly: Fascinating Mr.
North. I suppose that once Chrump
banishes the Congress, you’ll be able to shove this through easily. I guess no one could have expected the
Constitution to last forever, or this great experiment in democracy. You have done a tremendous service to morons,
fascists and mass murderers across this land.
Thank you again for taking time out of your soul-crushing schedule to
speak with me. Now I think I’ll go
waterboard myself.
_____________________________________
Well, that was all Willie could take. We managed to catch up with him before he
could begin his waterboarding and recommended an alternative plan. We expect him to recover in short order, once
his month of Rent-A-Coma runs its course.
He will be in our thoughts. No one
could have endured that much time with Oliver North unscathed. With any luck, Willie will be good as new
when he returns. We thank him for bravely taking on this very dangerous assignment.
Warren Zevon – Lawyers, Guns and Money
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