The Second First Amendment, Part One

Liars, Guns and Money

August 13, 2018

I. Mangrey is taking a well-deserved Rent-A-Coma break.  He did not leave a return date, but hopefully he will be back among the purposely conscious before too long.  In his absence, we sent our ace intern to do an exclusive interview.

A Shot in The Dork

The NRA and its Republican't underlings are hatching an assault on the Bill of Rights.  They are calling their plan Operation Shoot the Messenger.  NRA president and convicted felon (later cleared on a technicality) Oliver North, sat down with Paying Attentions's Willie Nilly for an exclusive two-part, very, very terrific – I would say, the best ever – blockbuster interview.  To quote Donald Chrump, “I think you’re going to find it very informative and very, very interesting.”  He of course, was bragging about his collusion with Russia.  He was teasing a major speech about “all the things that have taken place with the Clinton,” a speech that never happened.  We are talking about an actual fake interview.

Ed Venture

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Willie Nilly: I understand the NRA is getting into politics now.  Just kidding, everyone knows you have owned the Republican’t Party and an all-too-significant portion of the Democratic party, for several decades.  But seriously, word is out that you have a new project in the works to fuck with the Bill of Rights.

   Oliver North, lying then      Fewer marbles, and lying now

 

Ollie North: That’s right.  We leaked the news ourselves to keep things neat and tidy.  We felt it was time to make a long-needed adjustment to the first two amendments.  The old First Amendment is no longer pertinent in modern America.  The Founders, great as they were, could not have predicted the severe modernization of the way people get information and news.  There are so many alternatives: social media, anti-social media, fake news, alternative facts. 

Nilly: How does that change anything?  Don’t we still need to ensure that the government allows for free an open public debate?

North: That’s not even an issue.  We do need to protect certain religious freedoms.  That’s why AG Sessions is initiating a Religious Liberty Task Force.  Certain religions are being discriminated against in this country.  What we need is more religious freedom to make people who aren’t religious enough, or don’t follow the right religion, get with the program.

Nilly: What program is that?

North: You know, the real religion this country was founded on.  Everyone knows our Founding Fathers meant this to be a Christian nation.  America has lost her way over the years, but Jeff Sessions and Mr. Chrump are getting us back on track.  We’ll deal with that stuff later. 

Nilly: Oh, right.  I don’t know what I was thinking.

North: Obviously, the most important part of the old First Amendment is the ability “to petition the Government for a redress of grievances,” which is the last phase.  We’ll be looking to beef up that part since everyone knows the last part is always the most important, just like the good old Second.

Nilly: Yeah, that one’s working out pretty well… especially for mass shooters.  But, again, what about freedom of the press and the freedom to peaceably assemble?

North: The fake media is clear proof that so-called freedom of the press has been nothing but trouble.  And, the peaceably assemble language is very misunderstood if you ask me.  Many of these protesters, especially those crazy left-wingers are a danger to our democracy.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore our Founding Fathers, and in most cases we agree with the original intent and every word of the Constitution – with the exception of the first two thirds of the old Second Amendment, obviously a mistake of the times.  The quaint old First Amendment was written for people who wrote with quills and used primitive printing presses.

Nilly: How is that any different from the change from muskets to assault rifles?  And, what about militias?  And the whole “well regulated” issue?

Thanks Willie.  Very interesting...but stupid.  You will not want to miss North’s answer to this and many more of the best questions ever asked.  Believe me.

Ed Venture
Managing Editor, Paying Attention