Interplanetary Indiscretion

My Least Favorite Martian

July 16, 2020  

Hint: It’s not this guy…


Or this guy…


Or this guy…


Or this guy…


Or even this wannabe Martian…

There is another insipid, intergalactic interloper, intently interfering in global affairs. It becomes clearer with each kidney-stone-passing-like moment that this thing calling itself Donald Chrump cannot be of this planet. He barely speaks the language,

 

 

His “hair” looks like science fiction gone terribly wrong,

He constantly points to his “head” as if to say, “Look what I found”,  

Shaking his hand seems more like a prelude to being eaten,


He is constantly sniffing as though he has cheese burgers stuck up his nose,


He does not stand like humans,
 

Steps frighten him and it often appears that he is just learning to walk,
 

He is mystified by puddles,
  

He is cohabiting, and reportedly spawned a child with an
android, that is either color blind or a possible psycho killer
based on its choice of White House Christmas decorating,


Chrump throwing a ball as he was taught on his planet,


Even in his favorite sport, he swings a club like a brain injured gorilla,

It takes tremendous concentration and effort for Chrump to imbibe liquids using just one of his tiny hands, after which, rather than placing the drinking receptacle back in its place like a human, he simply tosses the potentially injurious object aside.

 

Likely, after weeks of intense practice (you can see the strain and confusion on his “face” as he attempts the confounding feat), Chump impresses a mentally challenged, deranged, fawning audience by accomplishing two very small sips of what appears to be water. But clearly, like Saudi “pilots” who learned how to fly but not land planes, Chrump was not instructed what to do with the glass after his incredible triumph. According to reports, Chrump had planned to have a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner hoisted to celebrate, but was dissuaded by advisors who distracted him with a bucket of chicken, causing him to lose his train of thought...permanently.

To be fair, no one is certain if this creature is actually from Mars. It could be some otherwise undiscovered world, but it damn sure is not from here. Someone should help him phone home and help him get the fuck out of here.

I. Mangrey researching.