SCOTUS, STFU

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up*

July 9, 2020

Keep America Great Again? What the fuck does that even mean?
Chrump and Republican’ts are not racist?
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” (Inigo Montoya)
Blacks For Chrump: Oxymorons or major morons?

Professional pathological liar Donald Chrump has no chance to remember all the stupid, false and downright psychotic statements he has made over the course of his stupid, false and downright psychotic lifetime. Having spent the past four months denigrating the use of masks as part of the strategy recommended by just about every health expert in the entire world, with the exception of some number of internet whackos, Chrump is attempting to lie his way back from conspiracy-theory-world to a pretense of accepting reality.

Chrump recently lied to a Fox Business reporter, “I'm all for masks. I think masks are good.” No, he is not, and no he does not. He’s all against masks, and he thinks masks are for losers. Chrump continued lying, “People have seen me wearing one.” Yeah, three people saw him wearing one, once, hiding in a back room and someone, who is probably now on Chrump’s very long list of people he is planning to shoot on Fifth Avenue, took a picture. And he ended his pathetic, petty, prevarication with a bang, “I had a mask on. I sort of liked the way I looked. OK. I thought it was OK. It was a dark black mask, and I thought it looked OK. It looked like the Lone Ranger.” Yes, it was a “dark black mask.” As opposed to a light black mask? And it looked like the Lone Ranger? Really? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? My money is on everything.

Chrump shows off his very stable genius approach to masks;
looks just like the Lone Ranger. Now, if someone could
just sew that hole under his nose shut.

Maybe he won’t wear a mask unless it makes him look like the Lone Ranger
because he can’t breathe like a normal person anymore

*Well, Maybe Sometimes

Our imaginary sources have uncovered a hidden talent in our raging, psychotic 45^th president. Until this serendipitous discovery, it was widely assumed, if not patently obvious that Chrump possessed absolutely zero talent of any value – hidden or otherwise. It seems that during his almost endless spare time, when he is not lying about masks, or trying to start a violent race war, or comparing his fight to defeat the enemy that exists in his spacious head, the “radical left” with America’s fight against the Nazis in WWII, King Donald reimagined one of our country’s beloved patriotic tunes, “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee.” Though it is possible he thinks these are the actual words. After all, he does not know the words to the National Anthem. Either way, this is what we found scrawled in giant, dark black Sharpie on an Electoral College map from 2016:

My country, ‘tis of me,
sweet land of liver tea,
Of me I sing,
Land where my father lied,
I’ll make this country die,
And ev’ry mountain slide,
Let me be king.

My native country, thee,
Should all belong to me,
My name I love;
I love my orange “hair”,
My empty-headed stare;
So smart is ev’ry thing I do,
Russia loves me too.

I drink with just one hand,
There’s no one else who can,
I’m a big boy;
A stable genius guy,
Won in a landslide I,
And I didn’t even try,
Now we’re great again.

That’s all we were able to find so far. If any more verses turn up, we promise to keep them to ourselves out of respect for what remains of humanity.

I. Mangrey reporting. Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights. Don’t give up the fight.