Broken News

It’s Over Donny

November 14, 2022

First, disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president Donald Trump, before he became a disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president broke with all conventions of politics and democracy – not to mention intelligence, decency, morals, and competence (though he still might have to duke it out with George WTF Bush on that score). Then, Trump managed to lose the presidency, the House and the Senate as his reelection bid melted like his orange pancake makeup in a Mor-on Lago steam bath.

Now, it seems that the numerous humiliating, devastating losses in the 2022 midterms – midterms, which according to history and the endless claims from the Ratpublican propaganda machine should have been a Red Wave, or a Red Tsunami – have finally taken their toll on the only love affair more torrid and nauseating than the one between Trump and Kim Jong Un – the on-again-on-again-again slobber-fest between Trump and the Ratpublican Party.

The following released was released,

Inside, it reads:

Dear Don,

We in the Ratpublican Party finally think it’s time to break it off with you sir. No regrets. We stood by you through the bad times and the worse times. Through the “Mexicans are rapists.” Through the “grab ‘em by the pussy.” Through the “good people on both sides.” Through the brief, embarrassing tryst with Kim.” Through two impeachments. And through the disastrous 2020 and now 2022 election cycles.

If only all your unqualified, belligerent, absurd, anti-democratic candidates had prevailed, we would still love you. But alas, buffoons like Doug Mastriano, Kari Lake (is her given name Karen?), and Dr. Oz (Melania’s fault, we know), among others, made our party – your party – look like stupid losers. And so, we must end this glorious affair…unless of course, you win the 2024 primary.

We hung in there through it all, and now, just saying all those things at once makes us – to quote James Comey when asked how he felt thinking he might have (might have, yeah, right) helped you win in 2016 – “mildly nauseous.”* We feel we need some space – like intergalactic amounts of space – and we think it’s time for us to start seeing other idiots.

So, sir, no hard feelings, well maybe a few, maybe quite a few. And we're so lonely we’re willing to take our chances with almost anyone else, even that classless clod Ron DuhSantis.

Even Ann Coulter says you should “Shut the fuck up, forever.”

And think of poor old Lindsey Graham; you’ve meant so much to him. But good luck sir, with your new Truth Social Party, and may the best fascists win.

We’ll aways remember the good time…surely, there must have been one.

So long, and thanks for all the religious zealots in the Supreme Court.

Now go home. You’re very special. We love you,

The Ratpublican Party

We’ll have to wait and see how long this holds up. They’ve broken up before, but the needy, loathsome Ratpublicans always come slithering back.

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* Mildly nauseous? Most of America was puking and coughing up blood for five years.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts.