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I, (Wish I Was) The Jury

January 27, 2024

Donald Trump behaves like a mob boss and many of his malignant minions are heavily armed, lightly brained and easily moved to violence – especially while constantly incited by their dear leader. The judge in the most recent (and not necessarily the last) E. Jean Carroll defamation ensured anonymity for the jurors for their own protection since anyone who dares cross Der Furor ends up being inundated with death threats, unexpected, unwarranted visits from SWAT teams, and who knows what else.

At the end of the trial, after a very brief deliberation resulting E. Jean Carroll being awarded a total of $83.3 million in damages, Judge Lewis Kaplan advised the jurors, “If you wish to speak after the verdict, I order you not to disclose the name of any other juror, and I advise you not to disclose your own name.” This is not standard operating procedure. Nothing is normal anymore, ever since that psychotic blob with the ill-fitting clothes, the burnt-umber-paint-job and the cartoon coif turned the American political landscape into a Superfund site, beyond anything we have seen in our now-horribly-tortured and scarred lifetimes.

Ex-president Tantrump only testified for under three minutes, and much of his whining was stricken from the record. His lead attorney, Alina Habba was repeatedly reprimanded and literally humiliated by Judge Kaplan, as was her idiot client. At one point, Habba was doing such a great job that the judge threatened her with lock-up. 

After the defendant gave his ill-advised and completely unhelpful testimony, repeatedly sniffed, snorted, moaned and at one point practically shouted, “This is not America.” Well, guess what all you MAGAts out there, this is America, and it’s not yours. And you can’t have it unless you pry it from the cold dead hands of people who outnumber you bigly. And you will not be able to shoot your way out of this. Lord knows, you are likely to try. Covfefe bitches!

No expense was spared in order to keep the jurors’ identities secret

Donald Tantrump ultimately stormed out of the courtroom as Carroll’s attorney began her closing argument. It is doubtful that anyone in that courtroom was sad to see him leave and take his now-well-documented stench with him. Did I mention Carroll was awarded $83.3 million?

After Tantrump ran away from the courtroom, sensing this could be his last chance, he immediately re-defamed E. Jean Carroll, claiming he was the victim (as usual), that he never met her, it was a witch hunt, a hoax and a threat to his entire cult. Who, by the way will once again be called upon to send money to this poor, persecuted (alleged) billionaire. These assholes deserve each other, but we do not deserve them.

It would be entirely legitimate for Carroll to sue Tantrump for defamation yet again since he keeps doing it. She would understandably have no interest in being within a thousand miles of the man who did to her exactly what he bragged about doing on that Access Hollywood bus on his way to winning the Ratpublican nomination and ultimately the Electoral College vote, having been bigly defeated by Hillary Clinton and the American electorate.

If only America could take Trump to civil court for defamation, treason, slander, libel and sexual assault and force him to leave us alone and shut the fuck up for good.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled litigation.