WTFFville
January 22, 2017
January 22, 2017
Spotted, then deleted from Chrump’s Twitter account.
Get out the spelling salts. What a maroon.
Get out the spelling salts. What a maroon.
Chrump sure knows how to give a screech. At smaller venues
he now brings a live applause track with him – an unknown number of lackeys who
cheer, laugh and applaud at pre-arranged times. Once a reality show douche,
always a reality show douche. For his inauguration, Chrump’s artificial
coloring was as close to human as ever; his “hair” was glued into the best and
squarest arrangement we have seen to date. After swearing to “preserve, protect
and defend the Constitution of the United States.” He has no idea what any of
those words mean, and cares even less. He is only hoping that another Chrump
supporter continues to be born every minute. After all the swearing in, at and
off, Chrump briefly addressed a tiny crowd (a crowd that would be dwarfed the
following day by women and the people who support them protesting the onset of
the Chrump presIDency) and a fearful nation and world. He was, as expected, angry, depressingly
dark and unhinged. Der Furor thanked “the world” for his election “victory”. Does
he think that the whole world gets to vote for the president of the United
States? Does he also think that they all voted for him? It is more likely that he thinks he is now king of the world.
Spongedon Square Hair hates on America at his in-aggravation screech
Orwell That Ends Well
If there is anyone who is slimier and more factually
challenged than Chrump himself it is Kellyanne Conway. I have to disinfect
myself every time I see her on the television. The day after the Worst
Inauguration Ever, Chrump’s press secretary Sean Spicer, dressed like a
homeless person and struggling to read his own statement, opened his first
press briefing with an asinine assault on the media. The subject could not have
been more critical to the future of our once-great-and-waiting-desperately-to-be-great-again
nation. Spicer was apoplectic over the perceived misreporting of the crowd size
at Chrump’s inauguration. What is it with these Chrumpers and size? Spicer excreted
a spate of lies including, “This was the largest audience ever to witness an
inauguration, period.” It was not. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. Kellyanne Conway, after
categorizing Chrump’s hysterical American
Carnage speech as “beautiful and elegant," defended Spicer by saying
he was simply presenting "alternative
facts" (emphasis mine – fortunately you cannot see just how loud my
emphasis is). And so it begins. Alt-reality begets alternative facts, begets
the death of a nation. For the record, the 2017 inauguration was 18% smaller
than Obama’s 2009 swearing in. George Orwell never dreamed of freaks like these
people.
No. They are not. Why do you ask? Are you on
drugs?
Fun Fact: 18% is the same percentage by which Chrump’s hands
(and his whatever) are smaller than those of a normal person. Sad!
Everything You Never Wanted
to Know About Chrump’s Speeches During His Time in Awful Office But Were
Too Smart to Ask
You know what they say about death and taxes. At this moment
in history I would unreservedly welcome death and/or taxes, but for the time
being another more pressing inevitability will be the inescapable necessity of
hearing presIDent Chrump speak publicly
about important issues. B.N. Formd uncovered a super secret actual document. Not
one of those thousand blank pages Hair Chrump paraded briefly before
classifying as critical for national security – like his tax returns, which are
being eternally “audited”. For those of you who wisely prefer to avoid such
unpleasantness, we present:
Chrump’s Speech
Template
I am great. I will share my greatness with America. I will
save America. Me. Make America great again. …the best. Lie about something
meaningful. Lie about something meaningless. Whine. Lie. Something that doesn’t
make much sense. (think about “hair”) Meaningless statement on policy issue.
Repeat meaningless statement on policy issue. Childish slogan. Repeat childish
slogan (if people cheer). Misuse common word. Me. Insult Hillary Clinton. Insult
majority of Americans. Me. America is a disaster area. Platitude. Make America
great again. Repeat platitude. (think about “hair”) Attack reporter. Continue
attacking reporter and media in general. Lie. Whine. (think about “hair”) Lie. Misuse
common term. Nobody wants to see my tax returns, which as you know are under
audit. Different lie. Me. Whine. Pathetic slogan. Repeat pathetic slogan. Re-repeat
pathetic slogan. Me. Inane phrase. Repeat inane phrase. Meaningless statement
on policy issue. Repeat random words. Lie. Me. Lie.
You should also know…
Every president carries with him at all times something
known as “The Biscuit.” The Biscuit is a card bearing the verification codes
that launch nuclear weapons. You can probably guess who has it now. I hope the Idiot
Bastard presIDent can
distinguish The Biscuit from The Twitter. Neither history nor Chrump is on our
side.
I. Mangrey reporting. Duck and cover.
Mad in USA
Cheney tries to suffocate George W. Bush with a poncho
that looks like it might finish the job the pretzel could not.
Here
it is, your moment of W…
that looks like it might finish the job the pretzel could not.
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