King of the Hole (Guess Which One)

When Donny Met Vladdy

Hamburg, Germany

July 10, 2017

Too much winning. We are not worthy…well, maybe a little.

The super-secret genius plan to defeat ISIS. Better, cheaper “insurance for everybody”, to repeal and replace – simultaneously no less – Obamacare, on day one. Chrump knows more than all the generals, the intelligence community, the doctors, lawyers, politicians – everyone except Vladimir Putin, who seems to be the only man on Earth Chrump has not insulted or tried to bully. After his first in-person meeting – though Chrump claimed to have met him previously, though Chrump also claimed that they had never actually met. It is as though the Tasmanian Devil is whirling around inside his empty “hair” holder throwing off random words and thoughts, any one of which, at any moment, happens to emerge from either his face sphincter or his tiny little Twitter thumbs.

Chrump has been enamored of Putin since oozing into the presidential race, if not before. Chrump’s man-crush may date back to when American banks refused to loan money to the egomaniacal con man and self-described “king of bankruptcy”, causing Chrump to put himself in debt up to his surgically installed “hairline” with – among who-knows-who-else – the Russians. And when you deal with most Russians, you are dealing with Putin. I assume Chrump does not want to slight the hand that owns him. The only time you see Hair Chrump smile, other than when he is at his continuing campaign rallies, is when he is in the presence of Russians.

That is one of the smallest hands I’ve ever seen. Do you even have a penis?

 

After their two-and-a-half-hour meeting the hairspray addled Chrump decided to accept Putin’s denial of escalating cyber warfare during the 2016 election, once and for all. Who cares that the US intelligence community unanimously insists that Putin, and Putin alone, was responsible for the cyber shenanigans leading to Chrump’s victory? That is the same kind of crap as believing 97 percent of all the world’s climate scientists (and Stephen Hawking, who worries that Chrump might crank global climate change up to 11), who are certain that man’s contribution to the rapidly warming Earth. Chrump would never fall for a stunt like that. At least Chrump did not say he looked into Putin's eyes and saw his soul, like George W did, but Chrump probably has no idea what a soul is.

And since Der Furor was satisfied that his idol was clean, he came up with another brilliant, beautiful, best idea ever (which he immediately disavowed after everyone except Putin ridiculed him). Chrump decided (or maybe Putin made him think he decided) that teaming up with our most dangerous nemesis on the planet to increase cyber security would be amazing. Who better to protect America’s interests than Vladimir Putin? Couldn’t be any worse than Chrump. I’m sure Chrump knows more about computers and the cyber than anyone, so not only will he make sure Putin does not try anything funny, but he will give us something terrific, very quickly, and at half the cost.

This really happened. Really.

 

As damning evidence of cooperation between the Chrump campaign and Russia piles up* week after week, day after day, hour by hour, the head of the Chrump Crime Family continues to deny that there was any collusion, that the sky is blue or that his “hair” is Crayola orange. He says, “It is time to move forward in working constructively with Russia.” It seems exceedingly likely that the Chrump Crime Family has been working constructively with Russia for quite some time. After all, he is president and you’re not.

At least Chrump is not working with ISIS (of whom Chrump said “good fighters, good fighters, ISIS – smart, good”)…although, could that explain why he still has not disclosed his beautiful plan to defeat ISIS very quickly? In May 2015, the soon-to-be most disgraceful presidential candidate in U.S. history insisted, "I do know what to do, and I would know how to bring ISIS to the table or, beyond that, defeat ISIS very quickly. And I’m not gonna tell you what it is tonight." Chrump added, "All I can tell you is it is a foolproof way of winning." The only foolproof way of winning anything that we have seen so far has been conspiring with the Russians to defeat Hillary Clinton.

_________________
*As you may already know, Don, Jr. is at this moment on the hottest seat. I will have to let this latest (as of July 11, 2017, 5:00 PM EST) bombshell settle in for now. I just cannot keep up with all the excitement. With any luck, the entire Chrump Crime Family and their fellow travelers will be in jail before I get around to giving this the old Paying Attention treatment you all have come to know and love and/or ignore.

In Other News of Remote Controlled Insects…

Researchers report the first successful tests of a cyborg dragonfly that could be used for spying operations. A small solar-powered backpack can be used to control the creature remotely. There are now some number of genetically engineered dragonflies, with an added gene that allows humans to control their nervous system with pulses of light. Previous attempts to control insects resulted in clumsy, artificial movements. This new approach is able to use the insect's natural, efficient movements.

A bug in the system

According to researchers, these insects could be used for surveillance missions in areas that traditional drones couldn't reach and could even let humans guide pollination of plants. You know, because humans care so much about plants. My money is on the spying applications. Maybe this is how the Russians are controlling the entire Chrump Crime Family and their fellow travelers who cannot remember their countless meetings with Russian operatives. Dosvedanya Donny.

I. Mangrey reporting. Winning, head spinning, just beginning, brain thinning.