Oilephants on Parade

Spill ‘Em if You’ve Got ‘Em

The Earth
November 18, 2017

Many people maintain a nostalgic affection for the place known as The Earth. This quaint preoccupation with an inanimate object that is not a computer or a smart phone continues to cause problems for corporations whose only goal is to destroy said Earth for their own financial gain. Why are these so-called planet huggers such haters? These poor little (huge actually) corporations are just trying to make a living while making a killing. So they cut a few (thousand) corners. So sue them. They dare you. They can claim eminent domain and drill for oil right in your face if they want to. These are good corporations/people, doing whatever they want, grabbing The Earth by the p***y, and making the world safe for billionaires.

Not everyone harbors this regrettable infatuation with The Earth. Important people like our current president and all of his men know better. All the president’s men know that The Earth is not a real thing, but merely a hoax created by scientists in order to rake in the big bucks. These scientists have been running this con for over a hundred years at the expense of very rich people who deserve our undying loyalty and huuuuge tax cut, cut, cuts.

Elephants Never Forget

While Chrump, in his never-ending quest to undo anything Obama did, was busy making the world a safer place for elephant murderers (like his sons), over 200,000 gallons (500 barrels) of what one can only assume is clean, harmless oil escaped from the captivity of the Keystone Pipeline in South Dakota. This is the largest spill in South Dakota. The section of pipe in question is purported to be fairly new, and boasts the latest in safety technology.

It doesn’t look so bad if you don’t look at it from a great distance

 

The EPA is monitoring the situation, so we can assume that first they will blame Obama, and then claim there was no damage to the surrounding area thanks to the quick thinking of Der Furor. He will demand credit, insist on a parade and call The Earth a pathetic little rock with no money. I say just throw a few elephant heads on it and call it art.

Trophy son with trophy tail


The pipeline has had smaller spills — a mere 400 barrels each — in the same region in 2011 and 2016. Surely South Dakota must be used to it by now.

Jared Margolis, senior attorney with the Center for Biological Diversity said, “This disastrous spill from the first Keystone Pipeline makes clear why Keystone XL should never be built. Trump’s issuance of a permit for Keystone XL is a farce that will only lead to more pollution for people and wildlife.”

Unfortunately, the Chrump administration cares neither for people or wildlife. Chrump wanted to relax Obama’s 2014 ban on importation of elephant “trophies”. These trophies are considered, by the elephants themselves and those who support them, to be heads, though they are considered trophies by the callous murderers who cannot use their own trophies in a civilized manner. This will all get a lot worse before it can ever get better. Elephants never forget, but I doubt their memories remain intact once they are murdered and have their heads removed. The Earth never forgets, but I doubt her memories of humans will be good ones.

Elephant “trophies” in their natural state

 

I. Mangrey reporting. Oil and elephants don’t mix.