May 12, 2019
Der Furor is in full cornered rat mode. His tongue is flailing, desperate to escape his foul mouth. His thumbs are angrily stumbling across his
phone’s keyboard, longing
for the onset of paralysis. His lies are
proliferating faster than a horny horde of rabbits. Fortunately, not all of his utterances make
it to the evening news. Unfortunately, the
Paying Attention team is more than willing to expose any bullshit that might
otherwise remain hidden. Proceed with
caution, and booze.
“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you will lock up all
these terrible people trying to coup Donald Chrump. And if you want Chrump to win the Electoral
College again, please start meddling right now.
I don’t think you should shoot them, but I’m not taking anything off the
table…unless it’s from Burder King…that goes right in my mouth. I’ve done everything you asked so far, so you
owe me bigly. And maybe you can find
more of Crooked Hillary’s emails, you know, the ones that talk about how she
paid for the very fake Mueller investigation on the Russia hoax.”
“As you know, the horrible Mueller report, written by one
thousand angry Democrats, led by James Comey’s best friend “Bullshit” Bob
Mueller, totally exonerated Donald Chrump.
That is why I’m claiming executive privilege over the report. I just don’t want to rub it in everyone’s
face. I was so exonerated you can’t even
believe it. The most exoneration in
history. If anyone actually saw how
exonerated I was the stock markets would crash and America would be over. Even worse would be if Mueller testified on
television. Anyway, it’s my television
and I will decide who gets on it and who doesn’t. It would be stupid for Mueller to exonerate
me all over again. America gets it
already. Everyone agrees with me. Did you see my incredible inauguration? Everybody was there. Now they all agree – NO COLLUSION, NO
OBSTRUCTION, just Chrump being Chrump.
Never did anything illegal, never lost hundreds of millions of
dollars. I only pretended to lose money
to avoid paying taxes. That makes me
smart, and anyone who pays taxes, a loser.
I’m so rich, I lost more money than you’ll ever have. I am making America as great as I am. Believe me.”
“Now hundreds of angry Democrats, out to get me, want to
subpoena my wonderful son Don, Jr. My
guy Richard Burr, who stands by me all the time, he even tipped me off about
what vicious, dishonest Democrat Bob Mueller – who totally exonerated me, by
the way – was up to, wants to dredge up my poor, totally innocent and
completely exonerated boy. And what for?
Mueller already reported that my son was too stupid to break the
law. Case closed people. Nobody even knows what subpoenas are. Are they even legal? I don’t think so. I will not let anyone I ever told to break
the law talk to these angry Dems. They are
not the president. Besides, my
administration is under audit, so I can’t let anyone see what I’m doing. As soon as the audit is over, we can talk
about other reasons why I must keep everything I do secret. Anyway, no one is more honest, hard-working
and brilliant than Don, Jr. – except his father. He may not have won the biggest election of
all time, but one day he will, thanks to me.
Or, I might just make him president by leaving him the White House in my
will – either him or Ivanka. Ivanka, my
beautiful daughter. Have I mentioned
that if she wasn’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be grabbing her by the pussy?”
To paraphrase the late, great Molly Ivins,
“It probably sounded better in the original Russian.”
“It probably sounded better in the original Russian.”
In other news of toxic stupidity…
I. Mangrey reporting.
It’s been a hard day’s night.
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