I Ain't Drunk, I'm Just Drinkin'

What I Learned From COVID-19

September 20, 2020

You wouldn’t know it by watching the fake news, but something great has come out of all this phony coronavirus nonsense. And you’ll never guess where I found the only good thing that has happened in 2020 so far.

Breakfast of non-Chrumpians

Many people go to the gym to maintain the level of physical fitness they desire. Since November 2016, I have found that the best place for me to maintain the level of physical and mental fitness I desire is a place that serves alcohol. Both of these lifestyle options became off limits once Chrump decided it would Be Best for America to go into a tailspin with the coronavirus he knew full well would kill hundreds of thousands of us, especially once he decided to not only keep us in the dark, but to ensure as many Americans as possible would die as a result of him telling people to do the exact opposite of what all the experts were advising.

Nonetheless, I found a little place that followed Chrump’s advice and ignored all safety measures, including staying open when everyone else was closed. I was desperate, what can I say. But I learned something new the other day during my morning constitutional.

Even though my local drinking and virus acquisition establishments were supposed to be closed, the owner of a little place called Whitey’s is a proud MAGAt who refused to have his precious rights to kill and be killed curtailed and continued to let people in the back door all day, every day. In fact, since everyone else has been obeying the law, he’s been open more during COVID Days than he was before. I had never gone in before due to the neon likeness of Chrump scowling out from the otherwise filthy façade. It was there that I saw something I could hardly believe, though it really was no surprise.

There’s a new drink that Whitey told me was taking parts of America by storm. He said it’s called the “MAGAtini.” There’s nothing like it out there and it is surely a drink whose time has come. The MAGAtini is one part Clorox bleach (don’t settle for the cheap stuff), one part Lysol, one part hydroxychloroquine, two parts Chrump Kool Aid and just a pinch of Oleandrin. Deeelish. It’s the perfect drink for anyone who thinks the COVID pandemic is a hoax, or anyone who believes anything that oozes out of Chrump’s face sphincter.

Too bad bars are closed on Election Day

Depending on the time of day, toss in an olive, a cocktail onion, a chicken wing, or better yet, the choking hazard of your choice. Many people are saying it not only cures COVID-19, but it also will make you a stable genius. Just as I noticed my glass was empty, three obvious maskless Chrumpers ambled in and ordered up a round of MAGAtinis, which was my cue to get the hell out of there. I can’t stand the sight of stupid.

I. Mangrey researching. Only 43 more cheating days left until the election.

Albert Collins - I Ain't Drunk