Taking Debate

Hollywood Squares/Zoom Debate

September 24, 2020

“Democracy is not a state, it’s an act.”
Excerpted from John Lewis’ final words

Seeing as we already have a second-rate TV reality show personality in the White House, it should not surprise anyone that the 2020 presidential debates would include a game-show-themed debate. In truth, it was not so much a decision as a requirement since the reigning champion Donald Chrump literally threatened to hold his breath until Joe Biden’s team agreed to his demands. Personally, I think it would have been much easier and better to call Chrump’s bluff.

Chrump would not be able to hold his breath very long because that would require him to shut the fuck up, and he cannot go more than 30 seconds without hearing the sound of his own voice, which to most sentient humans makes fingernails screeching across a chalkboard seem like Brahms’ Lullaby.

 In case you need a calming interlude before proceeding

The man who can barely make it through a whole – albeit barely intelligible – sentence without sniffing like a coke addict, would be gasping for air after about five seconds and end up writhing around on the floor like a hooked blowfish on a boat deck. In any event, it would be well worth a try. If Chrump took his threat all the way, November 3^rd would be much simpler.

Maybe a plastic bag would help

Originally, Chrump floated the idea of an Apprentice-themed debate where Chrump proposed going “head-to-head with not only Joe Biden, but Kanye West, Meatloaf, Charlie Sheen, and Frederick Douglass. It would get the best ratings of all time and we could do it outside to protect from the China Virus hoax, maybe do it at Yo Semite or the Grand Bunyan.”

Given the continuing death march of the Chrump virus, it was determined that there would be no live audience. The only people who will be in the studio will be the two participants and one moderator. Everyone else will be available via Zoom. In keeping with the Zoom format, the debate will be held – per Chrump’s demands – in the style of Hollywood Squares. The winner of the debate will be the one who wins the best two-out-of-three Tic-Tac-Toe marathons.

Somehow, my name came up to moderate this shitshow and though I would gladly have paid to get in on this circus, it turned out they were offering me a hefty paycheck, and given the prolonged disappearance of funds thanks to Donald Chrump’s Super Stupid Pandemic Extravaganza, I thought it best to take the money and run. Not to mention the chance to rub elbows with some greats from the news and comedy world, and be within spitting distance of a few asshats I’ve been wanting to spit on for quite some time – and what better time to try out my aim on something smaller than my television. Perhaps a nice cream pie placed just so. Or who knows, maybe I’m positive and asymptomatic, possibly killing two birds with one loogie.

Leaked photos from an early rehearsal

Chrump claims he wants more debates than previously agreed. Who would have guessed that Chrump would want to flaunt agreed-upon rules? I’m guessing almost everyone. Der Furor is feeling good about himself after repeatedly bringing up the minimal mental competency test he thinks he aced almost two years ago. Chrump has convinced himself that he is more cognitively intact than Joe Biden, though thousands of mental health experts warn that Chrump has the mental acumen of a sea slug, or perhaps a bucket of gravel.

The current incumbent, hot on the heels of a tsunami of tell-all books, including his niece Mary Trump’s Too Much and Never Enough, where she describes her uncle as racist and delusional – and those are his better traits. We also have Bob Woodward’s latest – Rage – the product of interview with countless insiders and no less than 18 unsolicited phone calls from Der Furor himself to Woodward, where Chrump happily admits to knowing how bad the coronavirus was going to be while simultaneously telling the public it was a hoax designed to denigrate his tremendous – some say best ever – presidency. In closing his book, Woodward did something he has never done, opine on his subject. Woodward’s final words in Rage: “Trump is the wrong man for the job.”

Paying Attention editor Ed Venture is currently hard at work on his own Chrump tome Profiles in Discourage: Donald Chrump’s Mission to Rip Apart America By Starting Civil War II and Issuing Executive Orders Banning Future Elections Paving the Way For A President-For-Life Who Will Appoint White People to Congress and Will Himself Replace the Supreme Court with Ivanka, Sean Hannity and the My Pillow Guy…

I recently spoke with Ed through a heavily locked door and in between impossibly loud typing noises, his gut-wrenching moans and deafening screams to see how his project was coming along. “Get the fuck away from me before I burn this whole place to the ground. I’m only half way through the title and a case of Absolut and my feet and my tongue are asleep. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. At this point I’m just hoping to survive long enough to vote and if I can keep typing until November 3^rd, I might actually make it.” I decided not to press the issue, wished him well and got out of there as fast as I could.

Only time will tell if America wishes to carry on its Great Experiment with democracy, or has decided enough is enough and throws caution and intelligence to the wind by keeping the mentally and socially defective Donald Jezebel Chrump permanently in the White House.

I. Mangrey reporting. Only 39 more cheating days until the election. Be sure to bring your attorney with you when you vote.