The Best Words (And Pictures…Mostly Pictures)

The Turmp Lie-brary

August 22, 2022

Ever the devoted patriots, Paying Attention™ has come up with a plan to Make America Better Again. What this country needs, once Donald Turmp leaves office, which he has still refused to do, even though by all accounts he is completely out of it, is the Donald Turmp Memorial Alternative Presidential Lie-brary. Since his official version will be nothing more than a giant-sized version of his pathetic coffee table tome of pictures and childish epithets*, the alternative lie-brary will be filled with memories of all the alternative facts, lies (30,573 false or misleading claims in his four excruciatingly long years in office, according to the Washington Post), incessant whining, faux pas, psychotic tweets, impeachment testimonies and covfefe one building can hold.

Why am I doing this to myself?

The Turmp Lie-brary will boast very few books. It was decided that only books which were at least in part read by #45 would be acceptable. Most of the bound volumes will be those “written by” Trump. It could not be more obvious that he never even so much as gazed upon the Constitution, other than reading a tweet containing the Second Amendment. It could not be clearer that he had exactly zero familiarity with the Bible, though he often claimed it was his second favorite book – the first of course being his own The Art of The Deal ** – despite his inability to name even one single verse as his favorite, preferring instead to reply with the Sarah-Palin-esque “all of them” when asked to recite his favorite.

The alternative lie-brary will naturally include full transcripts and videos of both impeachments. The public hearings of the January 6 Select Committee will be played on a loop on a giant screen. 

The walls of all the bathrooms will be inundated with endless, inane tweets and all the toilet paper will be printed with copies of the myriad documents, “declassified” and otherwise, that #45 stole from the American people. The bowl of each toilet will be festooned with reproductions of actual documents that Turmp routinely flushed. No wonder he was obsessed with flushing and had to flush 10, 30 and sometimes 80 times. 

I am sure you are wondering, what homage to the 45^th and Worst Ever president would be complete without an unlocked room in the basement featuring facsimiles of all the boxes and boxes of documents Turmp stole from the White House, intending to sell out the country he pretended to lead for four horrifying, nauseating, and soul-crushing years (not counting the frightening year of campaigning leading up to the 2016 debacle and the – as of this writing – nearly two extra years of Trump’s ongoing insurrection).

For the record, the 11 sets of classified documents, according to Trump and/or his “lawyers” and sundry enablers were:

- long ago handed over to authorities, and/or
          - planted by the FBI, and/or
          - just some cool souvenirs, stuff no one wanted anyway, and/or
          - work that was taken home to read in bed, and/or
          - documents no one else could have been trusted to keep, and/or
          - magically declassified by Turmp with a special look, and/or
          - mostly protected under attorney/client privilege, and/or
          - nobody’s damn business, and/or
          - something everyone does, and/or
          - no problem because if the president does it, then it is not illegal**, and/or
          - too bulky to flush, and/or
          - not my fault, Eric did it

There was a greater number and bizarre variety of (often mutually exclusive) attempts at excuses for the fully announced, completely legal warrant being served at Mor-on-Lardo than there were for WMD by George WTF Bush and Dick Cheney, et al. It was also quite amusing to see the speed with which one pathetic excuse landed with a cartoonish thud and was replaced by another, sometimes by one that had already been jettisoned.

Turmp’s advisors tried to persuade the man who knows it all that he should return the dozens of boxes of documents he stole from the White House and the American people. His unsurprising – though no less stunning in its authoritarianism, childishness and criminal nature – response was, “IT'S NOT THEIRS, IT'S MINE!” (actual reported quote)

I just can’t resist quantum physics humor

Unlike most presidential libraries, which charge an entry fee, the Tmurp will pay people to spend their precious time reliving the horrifying legacy of America’s worst, most-impeached, most criminal, grifting, racist and fascist president. A part he played even worse than his Celebrity Apprentice role. Suckers patrons will be paid by the minute for their ability to withstand either reliving – or experiencing for the first time – the abject terror and nauseating stupidity perpetrated by the 45^th president in his quest for attention and money. And power. And nothing else.

Nothing I hadn’t seen before, but it’s still sickening

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*Yes, I have admittedly hurled my share of childish epithets as well, but as you may recall, I am not nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, the fucking president of the United States.
**Tony Schwartz, the man who wrote The Art of The Deal said this, “I don’t know if Mr. Trump read every word of The Art of The Deal, but I do know that I wrote every word of it.” As usual, Trump merely slapped his name and face on the façade and pretended he actually had something to do with it – the poster child for “you didn’t build that.”
***This was plagiarized from disgraced, almost-impeached, quitter Richard Nixon.

I. Mangrey reporting.  Read on Macduff.