Speaking
For Those Who Should Not Speak
October 24, 2023
Rep. Jim Jordan, the
flesh-eating-bacterium of Congress, finally conceded defeat after losing vote
after vote after vote, each defeat more humiliating than the last. Given the
recent demise of Jordan and likely any hope of the Fascist Party finding a
suitable, or even worthless (as is their wont) replacement for the hapless
Kevin McQarthy, it is clear that some new blood is called for as the next
Speaker of the House.
Speaking of blood,
the heated fracas almost came to fisticuffs as Ratpublicans met privately to
put the final nail in Jim Jordan’s speakership coffin. They are now at their
half-wit’s end as they scrape the bottom of the barrel of monkeys in search of
their next soon-to-be-ex-speaker. The barrel is filled nearly to the brim with
idiots and assholes who went on the record on January 6, 2021 objecting to the
certification of the completely legitimate results of the landslide bashing of
Donald “World’s Most Offensive Defendant” Trump by Joe Biden.
While Democrat Hakim
Jeffries would likely be an exemplary speaker, there is no chance that the
MAGAts will tolerate any kind of compromise, bipartisanship or aptitude of any
kind.
As If We Needed More
Proof…
The reliably dimwitted
fascist EmptyG admitted that her caucus is broken. Unsurprisingly, her
reasoning was as disgraceful as it was pathetic. The reason Marge gave for the
sorry state of her party was “because Republicans (her word, not mine) worked
with Democrats.” And there you have it in a nutjob…I mean nutshell. The problem
with the Chaos Caucus is that some of them done went and acted like adults
interested in doing democracy stuff.
Not one of the past
dozen or so Ratpublican speakers, nor all of them combined, could deign to
shine Nancy Pelosi’s pumps. They know it, but they have no idea what to do
about it. It is entirely possible that they don’t even care. As it now stands,
a dozen or so back-benchers are throwing their hats (soon to be towels) into
the ring in a desperate move to stop looking like complete incompetents. It’s
not going to work.
So, while Team Trump scurries back to the drooling board to come up with a warm body, it's time to think outside the idiot box. To this end, it is time for a completely neutral, consistently unopinionated citizen to enter the fray. Someone who knows a legitimate fucking election when they see one. Someone who is neither racist, fascist or mentally crippled. Someone who can unify Congress and the nation-at-large. As you probably know, there is no requirement that a Speaker of the House be a member of the House, or even in government.
And so, it is with a
heavy hand that I announce my candidacy for Speaker of the House. Please be
sure to threaten your member of Congress, their families and random people on
the street where you live in order to drag me across the finish line so we can
keep our government harming…I mean, humming.
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
sturm und drang.
BONUS TRACK (one of our favorite bands you never heard of)
The Bears – Save Me
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