Paying Attention™ Secret Word Of The Day

I Am Not People (Or Soylent Green)

February 15, 2024

This post was written three months ago, but it was waiting for a special occasion to show itself. If by special occasion we mean something that happens all too often here in America. This episode took place at the Super Bowl victory celebration in Kansas City, Missouri yesterday. One dead, at least 22 (including nine children) with gunshot wounds. And what, you may ask caused these casualties? This is America so take one fucking guess.

If today is a day ending in ‘y’ there has been (on average) at least one mass shooting in the land where the Second Amendment is king. I know, you probably thought Donald Trump was king, but not yet. We have at least 263 more mass shootings until that happens. This made me think about our sacred Amendment, and something new crossed my mind.

Here’s a new twist on a very old riddle. A Constitutional koan if you will.

A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

The Constitution opens with the three words “We the people…” It does not say ‘Me the people…’ or ‘I the people…’ or ‘Me the person.’ We the people – a phrase carefully chosen, as was every word in the document. to denote a social network designed to incorporate union, community and compromise, in support of a nation. Not one person. Every word in our Constitution was argued over in dank halls, pubs and houses by men in powdered wigs, with wooden teeth and a searing distaste for kings (and Black people), in search of a new form of government.

There’s no ‘I’ in people

The Second Amendment also opens with three words – “A well-regulated militia” – (okay, technically four words, but the hyphen binds two words into one). A little further along, the amendment also uses the word “people.” Not the word person or individual. And of course, me being a constitutional originalist and all, and hopefully something of a man of words myself – though lacking both wig and wooden teeth – (I many not have the best words, but I have some damned good ones, and more than enough to get by in our barely literate society), I cleverly noticed that, grammatically speaking, the word ‘people’ refers back to the opening phrase “a well-regulated militia.” And our founding motherfuckers…I mean fathers (which when you thing about it non-judgmentally, are synonymous…but I digress) were nothing if not very particular about their words, and grammatically correct.

Speaking of specific words, nowhere in the Second Amendment does it say anything about anyone – be it militia or individual – owning arms. It says “keep” and “bear.” Both of these acts are entirely possible without owning them outright. Members of our law enforcement and military are issued firearms for use in performing their duties. They do not get to take these tools of their trade home with them or bequeath them to their progeny. They may only keep and bear them while on the job. One could rightly argue that this is precisely what our exceptionally persnickety wordsmiths of yore meant.

Then it hit me. There is no such thing as a one-person militia. Any one-person militia is likely to be looked upon in a very bad light by the authorities, and end up on the wrong side of prison bars or a cemetery lawn.

The conclusion is not new, but now that grammar has been added to the debate, I think we can finally put this colicky baby to bed and get a good night’s sleep – not with the fishes, but in the comfort of our own beds. Unfortunately, it seems necessary for us to bury this colicky baby alive before some fucker grabs it from America’s cold, dead hands or shoots it to death for no fucking good reason.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Secret Word Of The Day.