Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Still trying to bag the elusive Would-Be-Monarch Butterfly

I’ll Believe The Future When I See It
Project Protect 2025

December 31, 2024

Anyone can put together a look back at the year that was. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But it takes true courage, a complete disregard for common sense and real spunk to pretend to know what will happen in the year to come.

So, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in 2025.

Donald Trump – the long COVID of presidents – still has us gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and praying that the Constitution will ultimately prevail despite the unrelenting and seditious efforts of its arch enemies – Donald Trump, his Fascist Party, and the Supremely Extreme Court. Hopefully, Trump’s legacy will attain a fate similar to so many of Trump’s other fraudulent, and ultimately failed ventures.

Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor

September 24, 2025

Trump suffers what for most would be a fatal heart attack. But since he is devoid of both heart and soul, the incident barely fazes him. He did stop yapping for several seconds and appeared to stop breathing, but quickly regained what passes for consciousness and continued his indecipherable drivel.

November 4, 2025

Trump makes another stunning(ly stupid) announcement.

“My people tell me that today is the first Tuesday in November, and that this is the traditional day for voting. Since this is an off year I thought it would be a good time to make this very special announcement. Everyone knows that I am this country’s favorite president of all time. I have asked many people to weigh in on this and every single one came up to me, tears in their eyes, barely able to speak, and I can tell you this had nothing to do with their arms being twisted almost off, and they said “Sir, please let me say to you that you are the best president ever. And so strong and handsome. And from what I can tell, the best golfer of all time.” Because of this, I am going to do all of you a big favor – you will never have to waste your time voting again. I have agreed to remain your favorite president for the rest of my life, and if Elon’s new cryogenic freezer thing works, the rest of yours as well. And you can feel good knowing that if anything happens to me, my very talented son Don, Jr. will take my place – assuming he hasn’t died of a cocaine overdose or goes out Fatal Attraction style by his psycho ex-fiancée who I made ambassador to Greece.”

Meanwhile, the Supreme Court, despite having no case before them, decides that there is nothing in the Constitution requiring a president to be a living person. While they did not declare that women were disqualified to serve as president (that being an unnecessary edict since it will never happen), they did make it possible for Trump to remain in office post-mortem if he merely declares his intent before his long-overdue demise.

December 13, 2025

Trump finally, via executive order, kills the Affordable Care Act.

“The terribly horrible Obamacare that I worked so hard and so tremendously to make great is so horrible that I alone can kill it. My very beautiful and highly genius concept of a plan is now ready. Everyone will now be able to get all the health they can afford with the great new TrumpCare Plan. For only 60% of your annual salary – that’s gross, not net – you will be able to see any doctor that I and the great RFK II approve, unless you’re a woman, since women have no need for medical. I have made medical great again. You can thank your favorite president now.”

December 25, 2024

Trump announces the release of his “brand new Bible”

“This will be the greatest Bible of all time. You may notice a slight change, which you will love very much. I have replaced Jesus with Trump. As I announced last week, I have legally changed my middle name to Jesus. And this will make it totally official. I am the new chosen one.”

December 31, 2024

This Will Have Been The Year That Will Have Been

We are predicting that the year 2025 will come to an end, at midnight or there abouts. We are simply not stupid enough to even consider predicting how. There is a non-zero percent chance that we will once again be relieved to wring out another year.

Do I smell smoke?

Out With (ano)The(r) Bad Year, In With The Completely Unpredictable (With The Exception Of Our Predictions) And Potentially Fatal New Year

In any event, hope for the best, expect the worst. Remain vigilant. Sleep with one eye open. The year 2025 is coming for you and is plotting to kill you if you’re not prepared.

Mel Brooks – Hope For The Best

And this is not a prediction, this is a guarantee: the word of the year will be

Either that or the ever-reliable gift from the Hopi language

Anyway, that’s it for Paying Attention™ in 2024 and now we all know what to expect in 2025 – or at least some of it. For now, just enjoy New Year’s Eve, think responsibly, and for now, forget the future ever happened.

Feel free to ignore all predictions except this one from the world’s foremost authority: “If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.” 

From Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King, and our research and legal teamS:

Hello 2025, come right in, we’ve been expecting you.

We know what you did next summer.

Don’t let the sun, the moon or any other

proximate celestial body catch you crying

Picture Of The Day - Book 'Em

Not A Thousand Words, But Worth It   

December 30, 2024

It seemed like a “good” idea at the time, and predated Orwell’s 1984 by over a decade. Neither man could have known, but both now seem painfully prescient. Maybe it’s time for a sequel to Sinclair Lewis’ classic look forward at fascism in America. Was he predicting or merely imagining how we would do it since during his time Nazis were crawling like cockroaches throughout every tier of American society.

With apologies to no one

This has been your Paying Attention™ Picture Of The Day. Say geez.

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part II

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

December 29, 2024

Telling It Like It Will Have Been

It is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried, wonderfully wasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2024 melts away like the Arctic and if many people have their way, America’s democracy. If you had already started your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed, or at least blissfully unaware of any of the disastrous depredations that occurred while you were “out.” If you have already decided to just down your ENDITOL, we understand; you will be missed.

It was with great trepidation, constipation and crustacean – no, that can’t be right… that we even forced ourselves to look at the coming year. 2025 promises to be horrifying, angst-ridden, painful and exhausting. And that’s the best-case scenario. This election could have people running for the exits faster than the audience at the premier of Springtime For Hitler just before the lovely and talented Lorenzo St. DuBois took the stage and stole the show.

Lorenzo St. DuBois – best Hitler ever

As we watch 2024 dissolve into the American memory abyss, Donald Trump, or as JD Vantz described him not so long ago – “America’s Hitler,” is preparing his American Carnage II: REVENGE OF THE TURDS.

In any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it will be in 2024. With any luck the prediction gods will provide something to save the day, if not the year.  

February 25, 2025

Trump issues an executive order abolishing the Senate and House of Representatives. “Nobody needs a bunch of egomaniacs thinking they control our government just because it’s in the very old, very fake Constitution. These unnecessary busybodies want to know everything your favorite president is up to and it’s none of their damn business. I am fixing the Constitution and making it great again for the first time.”

April 22, 2025

Trump picks Earth Day to announce even more drilling, fracking and a number of controlled oil spills in Democratic sectors. After outlawing any Earth Day celebrations, Trump orders the removal of all windmills and creates the American Solar Systems Hauled Off Leading to Environmental Suicide, charged with crisscrossing the country to confiscate solar panels and electric vehicles from American citizens. I caught up with Der Furor for a quick mano-a-psycho, where else but the golf course. He had this to shout

“The scientists don’t know this, but with my very, very large uh-brain, which is bigger than any brain you have ever seen – have I told you that my uncle taught at Princeton – making me the smartest man who ever lived, I have determined that the environment is a hoax. There is no such thing. Never was. God, who is almost as smart and popular as Trump, created all of this from nothing, so obviously everything is nothing, so why worry about it. What do you think of that? Pretty amazing. Now we don’t have to worry about global wokeness. Drill, baby, drill. Burn, baby, burn. Now, watch this drive.”

May 1, 2025

Trump invites Putin to move into the White House.

“I think it would be good to have such a strong, powerful and honest person moving into Melania’s room. She is hardly ever here, though she loves me very much. She just doesn’t want to distract me from being president, dancing to YMCA, playing golf and wandering aimlessly around the West Wing talking to the late great Hannibal Lecter.”

West Wing movie night

July 4, 2025

Trump orders January 6 to be a federal holiday as a replacement for July 4^th.

“This is a new very strong and powerful holiday. This will now be the real Independence Day – the Day we almost became independent of the annoying Constitution and all the fake voting that happens when I don’t win. Today we say good-bye to the old, outdated Independence Day. From now on, starting next January 6^th we will be celebrating Trump Day. Now, watch me dance to the new National Anthem – YMCA after I bang this flag like it was my daughter.”

July 21, 2025

Trump unveils his new line of spiked catheters.

Nap Time

Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon. 

We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and a surprising number of “Signs point to WTF”. These are not fake predictions.  

Making predictions takes intense preparation and concentration

in order to get oneself in touch with the spirits

Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.

Broken News – Missing Person Edition

Gone, And Mostly Forgotten

December 28, 2024

Contrary to popular opinion, irresponsible rumor and rampant hope, JD Vance is alive and well.

The long-invisible Trump VP was recently spotted at the annual Army-Navy game alongside his convicted felon/ex-president/president-elect boss, and NY subway vigilante Daniel Pennies, the Marine veteran recently acquitted of criminally negligent homicide for murdering Jordan Neely, a homeless black man. As far as Vance and Trump are concerned, anyone who kills a black man is okay by them, especially when they get away with it and don’t require a Trump pardon.

Soon after this proof-of-life public appearance, Vance once again disappeared into the void. A new search is being mounted for some inexplicable reason.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled binge watching.

Schmuck Of The Day – You'll Never Guess

Mountains Of Stupidity

December 27, 2024

Douche Trump has spent most of his time since being elected by a coalition of the wanking threatening everyone and anyone who followed the law, the truth, the Constitution and reality in ways that a convicted felon who follows none of those found unacceptable. Members of Congress, members of the press, prosecutors, generals, Canada, Mexico (of course), and now Denali.

The mountain formerly known as McKinley, first formerly known as Denali – the High One

Semi-sentient shithead Trump, fresh off his threats to reclaim the Panama Canal, now says he intends to steal from Native Americans once again by returning the wholly undeserved white man’s name to Denali. McKinley never visited the peak before being assassinated and had no connection whatsoever.

The soulless schmuck-soon-to-be-president told his zombies, “They took his name off Mount McKinley. He was a great president.” Trump added that his administration will “bring back the name of Mount McKinley because I think he deserves it.” Deserves it why exactly? I prefer presidents that weren’t assassinated. With one glaring exception.

At the behest of Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski (and her father before her) and Native Alaskans – after a four-decades-long battle – President Barack Obama was finally persuaded to revoke the name of a white man and restore the original name of North America’s tallest mountain – Denali, the local Athabascan name, meaning “the High One,” which was officially designated as the peak's name by the state of Alaska in 1975.

The only surprise is that Il Douche wants to change the name back to McKinley, and not Mt. Trump. He’s probably planning to use eventually end up there as soon as he uses our tax dollars to fabricate gold letters large enough to be seen from space.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. 

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

December 26, 2024

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

Well, here we are once again. One year dies a painful and horrific death, another poised to take its place. The year 2024 will perhaps be best known for two things. The first being the spun-as-heroic-albeit-much-too-late exit of Joe Biden from the presidential race, leaving the nomination to Kamala Harris. Harris insisted on being a woman of color throughout the campaign, which all but assured her defeat, though she fought a smart valiant fight.

The second thing that has made 2024 so special is that Trump, running on a platform of rich-getting-richer-poor-getting-poorer, fascists getting fascier and shit getting shitter, squeaked out a popular vote victory along with winning the unpopular/Electoral College vote. As it now stands, American democracy has been knocked to the canvas, without the refs noticing the low blow that achieved this end.

One wafer-thin mutiny

Sure the Climate Crisis catastrophes accelerated in number and degree across the globe as oil companies and assholes like Donald “Drill, Baby, Drill” Trump continued to sabotage all attempts to reduce human impacts on global conditions.

If this was the America that Donald Trump is looking to make, he would have either been locked up pending trials or found himself briefly looking up at the 15^th-story window from which he had only moments earlier been looking down.

Oopsie, damned Russian-made windows

Save America From Americans

Still, thanks to Ratpublicans insisting on eliminating elections, democracy and reality in general, the stupidity – now with more fascism – is so overwhelming and so widespread that our entire system of political and social norms, such as they are, risk collapsing into economic depression, environmental devastation, fascism and chaos. It is not hyperbole to imagine long-term irreparable damage to civilization itself if these medieval Machiavellian morons have their way. This is not one of our predictions (Or is it?), but just something think and gnash your teeth about.

Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an exact science. Truth be told, science is not always an exact science. A large swath of America does not even think science is real. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our non-existent reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2025

Now, Before It’s Too Late, Back To The Future

So, 2024, finally goes the way of all years, good, bad or ugly. At this point, it is all but guaranteed that we will be here to see it end.

In any event, here is what we predict you will see over the next 12 months…

January 6, 2025

Let Them Eat Fake

Trump sees January 6 as a good time to bring the nation together and goes on Fux News to speak to a divided nation.

“On the anniversary of what almost became the greatest day in American history, I have a very special announcement to make. Many of you pathetic losers, I mean patriotic heroes, voted for me because of all the promises I made. Of course, politicians – which I am not – always make promises to get your votes. How could I have known that even though I am not a politician you would treat me like one and believe all the crap I said to get elected. But today, because I am so honest – probably the most honest person in all history – I will tell you that the only promises I will keep are the ones that help the richest people. The rest of you are on your own. And though this might make some of you sad, you should really be glad…for me. I’m going to make out like a bandit, or if you prefer, like a conman.”

January 11, 2025

Shove It Up Your Ass

Trump unveils his new line of Trump brand hemorrhoid creams in a variety of flavors.

January 20, 2025

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

America officially shoots itself in the face, inaugurating Donald Trump as the 47^th and possibly last duly elected president. After running on a platform of authoritarian rule by white male Christians, based on the total dismantling of the federal government, the end of tolerance, women’s rights, voting rights, an aggressive assault on the environment, the rule of law and the Constitution, and a complete disregard for reality, Trump smacks the Bible out of a cackling Samuel Alito’s hands. Trump pushes Alito out of the way and instead of taking the usual oath of office, turns to the camera and tells America

“I just want to thank all the poorly educated who made this moment possible. I am looking forward to being able to do whatever the fuck I want, since the Supreme Court gave me all the power I should have had last time. Then we never would have had to bother with Sleepy Joe Biden who wasted four years fixing the great economy I alone created, ramping up infrastructure instead of just talking about it all the time and getting the rest of the stupid world to start respecting America again. I will fix all this and return the presidency to the self-serving cash cow it was when I was in charge before. Now, this is my country, and we will soon be officially changing the name to AmeriTrump, or maybe even something better. We'll just have to wait and see. And it will be great again. So great you won’t believe it. And so, I solemnly swear to protect and defend Donald Trump for all enemies, mostly domestic, until no one even thinks about being disloyal or criticizing me in any way, until death do they depart. Now leave me the fuck alone and buy my stuff.”

And so begins the Paying Attention™ panoply of predictions for 2025. As always, Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King attempt to bring you the future before it’s too late.

Go and get an appropriate attitude adjustment, take a nap, flash yourself with that flashy thing the Men in Black use, and break out the popcorn folks, we’re just getting started. It is predicted that Part II will be appearing very soon.

You won’t want to miss a moment of 2025…or will you

Thought For The Day – Oh, Christ

On This Day In The Year 0

December 25, 2024

“Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations?”
Melania Trump, years before hawking crappy ornaments in 2024

To all my Christian friends, Romans and countrymen, let me issue a preemptive apology: something just occurred to me that might at first blush, perhaps second blush, and maybe even countless subsequent blushes seem rude, heartless and/or fightin’ words. The inspiration for this epiphany was none other than Donald Jesus Trump.

Unfortunately, once a thought happens I am required by law and journalistic “ethics” to make it public.

Here it is.                                                                                                              

The next thing you will see is my thought.

It is my thought and no one else’s.

So, here it is.

A thought by I. Mangrey:

Apparently, Jesus was only the Messiah because he was killed. I like messiahs who weren’t killed.

And let us say, Oh, man.

In any event, Happy Birthday to the Jewish kid from Bethlehem who made it big. And unto him we wish a Happy Hanukkah. As he surely would have wanted. 

If he ever actually existed.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For Christmas Day.

The Kinks - Father Christmas

Broken News – Pick Of The Shitter

December 23, 2024

Many Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

If Donald Trump is nothing else, and he is, he is the best judge of the worst people for the most important jobs in our country. Is he just fond of freaks, fuck-ups and sickos? Rapists, druggies, dumb-ass dipshits? Greedy, fascist, sociopathic religious fanatics? And these are his new, improved best people. Who else could make the utter lack of qualification a main qualification?

For example, Trump has tapped two bilious billionaires – Elon Murk and Vivek Ramasmarmy – to head up a fake department with the acronym DOGE (coincidentally the name of Murk’s cryptocurrency), which I believe stands for Department Of Gutting Everything, to eliminate any government spending that does not directly, relentlessly and excessively help needy greedy millionaires and billionaires at the expense of all the rest of us. DOGE is charged with killing Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, etc. Maybe DOGE was a typo and it was meant to be DODGE – Department Of Deploying Gargantuan Excrements.

Stephen Miller, Jared The Son-in-law, RFingK, Jr., Elon Murk, DJT, Kristi Noem,

Trash Patel, Meh Oz, Pete Hegseth, Vivek Ramasmarmy. Oh my.

None of these schmucks has a speck of qualification for the post they have been nominated for. Or any post that might impact democracy, security, health or humanity. Zero.  

But wait, there’s more…

Despite the utter insanity described above, it can and likely will get worse before it gets much worse before there’s a chance in hell it gets better. For example, the super genius Rand Paul (and several members of Fascist/Trump Party) thinks it would be a good idea if Elon Murk was Speaker of the House. You’re probably saying to yourself, come on climate crisis, please end this madness for us. Where's that damn asteroid I ordered from Uber Eats? Or maybe you’re saying, but Elon is just a rich asshole who entered this country under false pretenses (Can you say illegal immigrant?), made the ugliest, dumbest vehicle in history and now owns a president, but knows nothing about governing his own behavior let alone that of the most powerful nation on the planet; plus he’s not a member of Congress. Well, guess what Dear Prudence, nowhere in the Constitution does it say that the Speaker must be a House member.

I’ll be watching so you don’t have to

So buckle up friends, lest you be hurled through the windshield when this clown-car-country crashes…though hurling toward oblivion might be pretty appealing at that point since another moment of a Trump presidency could well be what is referred to as a fate worse than death. Unfortunately, there’s only one (theoretical) way to find out.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled holiday prep.

Schmucks Of The Day – Two Schmucks For The Price Of One*

Jumping For Ploy

December 19, 2024

“Take over Elon, just take over.”
D.J. Trump to crowd in Butler, PA just before 2024 election.
Also, possibly the theme of his coming administration**

Very stable genius and very stable billionaire

What could possibly go wrong?

_____________________________________________
*And there be a price. A big price.
**This is already happening, but Trump will not be happy if or when he realizes he is working for Musk. Looking forward to the fallout/falling-out.

This  has been your Paying Attention™ Schmucks Of The Day. Fuck yeah.