The Straights of The Union, Cont'd

2018 State of The Shithole, Part 2

Capitol Hill
January 29, 2018

They said it couldn’t be done. They said even louder, it shouldn’t be done. But, the boys we got downtown are working hard and doing swell, so we did it anyway. With only 24 hours to spare, we finally managed to get our hands on the rest of Chrump’s State of The Union address. Sorry, but it had to be done. 

“Despite the excellent job I’m doing, the ongoing American carnage continues. There are still people in this country who did not vote for Chrump and these are very bad people. Most of them are either here illegally or dead. And even though millions of dead people voted – and they all voted for Crooked Hillary – I won the election. With no collusion. No collusion. Not any collusion. Not like Hillary and all those dead people.

We still have to deal with Little Rocket Man. He is very unstable and no genius. No genius. Believe me. Take it from a very stable genius that Little Rocket Man is just a baby and not a serious leader like Donald Chrump. I could kick his ass. I am 6’3” even though my lying driver’s license says I’m 6’2”. All those Big Macs and Diet Cokes make me taller…and thinner. That’s why I’m in such good shape. The best shape.

I inherited a shithole of a country from Barack Obama. He ruined everything. He had it so easy when he took office. And he wasn’t even born in America. My approval rating is a huge 39 percent. This is the best approval rating ever, by a mile. No one can believe that I am the most popular president, probably the most popular person of all time. I’m starting to think that I will be re-elected very soon. Very soon. It’s incredible people. My ratings are huge, the media needs me to survive and I am the only one who can make America great again. George W. Bush had a 34 percent approval rating around the world. Obama’s was even worse at 48 percent. I’m proud to say that mine is all the way down to 30 percent – and that’s just in one year. I got booed in Davos last week by people from all over the world. This is proof that my America first idea, which I came up with by the way, very impressively, is really working.

Ninety percent of Americans believe DACA should be left alone, that these dangerous people should be allowed to stay in America. SAD. All I know, and I know everything I need to know, is that just because they were born in America doesn’t make them American. I know more about immigration than anyone. The problem is, and everyone knows this, DACA was Obama’s idea and since now I’m the president, his things are over and I get to do all my ideas now. Just imagine all the winning still to come.

 

Finally, I need to talk to you about the two-ton Russian in the room. All this talk about Russia is the fakest news ever. Worse than the global warming hoax. Worse than Obama’s fake birth certificate. I talk to myself about this all the time and I’m convinced that Mueller is a Chinese spy. Just look at the guy. Totally Chinese. I never even heard of Russia before I got elected. The fake FBI is full of horrible people, almost as bad as the horrible, fake media. They are not protecting my good name at all. And I have the best name. I very wisely ordered my lawyer to fire Mueller, but he threatened to walk, so for his sake, I backed off. I would never fire anyone personally because I’m so incredibly brave. And very tough. Believe me.

There are many other things going on that I am doing the most tremendous work on. So many things, let me tell you. You don’t need to know about all this very complicated stuff. I alone can fix it. Just go out and enjoy your Chrump tax cut, especially since most of you will end up paying more in taxes next year.

Drain the swamp, build the wall, Mexico will pay for the wall; I beat Crooked Hillary and her very bad emails, and the FBI is out to get me because Benghazi. No Russia, no collusion, no obstruction. So much fake news. So much winning.

Remember, anything I like is the greatest, the best, most tremendous ever. Anything I don’t like is fake, weak and pathetic, unless I decide I actually like it; then it’s the best ever. Now get out there and make America great again. If any of you losers here with me tonight are thinking about saying anything mean about me, please see my attorney and I assure you he will give you $130K to keep your mouth shut. You’re welcome.”

“Bing bing, bong bong, bing bing.”

Sorry you had to see that.

We have heard that many people will be playing drinking games as is often the case – like taking a drink every time Chrump says, “Believe me”, or “tremendous” or “fake news”. The most popular version we have heard about, is taking a drink every time he says a word.

Ed Venture
Managing (barely) Editor, Paying Attention