Hope-y New Year

Postparty Depression

January 1, 2018

Hope you celebrated the death of 2017 and the birth of a hope-filled 2018. Sorry to remind you of the fray so soon in the new year, but we dare not rest on remnant of our last laurel, or take our eye off the Orange Blob for very long. With 2017 in its last throes, Dear Leader insisted, “I have absolute right to do what I want to do with the Justice Department. But for purposes of hopefully thinking I’m going to be treated fairly, I’ve stayed uninvolved with this particular matter.” Sure, it was poorly said, mostly untrue and completely unhinged, but we expect all that.

This place is a mess. 2017 was a bit challenging. Fortunately, as an American, I am able to forget completely anything that happened more than two news cycles – or in the common tongue, four hours – ago. Without this great gift our Forefathers brought forth on this continent, it would be impossible for this nation to survive. While assembling our predictions for the new year one got lost in the shuffle. You are probably thinking to yourself – surely there cannot have been anything that was left out…please. But, one did fall through the wisecracks, and here it is:

November 6, 2018

Vote, Vote, It Ain't Illegal Yet

People talk about gerrymandering, a dizzying assortment of voter suppression strategies, etc. Every patriotic American must be honest about the fact that Republican’ts cheat. Big league. Both parties likely are guilty of some amount of hanky panky ballot fudging. But, the Republican’ts are pros. And they are more aggressive when it comes to blaming their opponent for doing precisely what they themselves are doing in spades. Shutting down polling places in minority districts, reducing early voting options, refusing to allow a paper trail, purging hundreds of thousands of eligible (mostly minority) voters from the rolls, taking voting machines home with them, they do it all. Then they cry voter fraud over and over and over. They will stumble across a herd of unicorns before they ever uncover even slight voter fraud.

Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, Democrats take back the Senate and flip a stunning 200 seats in the House. Donald Chrump nonetheless claims victory. It is clearer than ever that he has no idea how our government works, what party he is in, how soon he will be out of office, or how long he will eventually spend behind bars.

We showed you Chrump's presidential portrait a while back:

 

Anyway, just thought you might want to see this final prediction for 2018. We will soon return you to your regularly scheduled fretting about was has happened as you await what will.

I. Mangrey reproving. RESIST!