Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Final Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Up the river with half a paddle
December 30, 2017

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

Well, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in 2018. With any luck, this will not be the last year we get to see. There’s no way to know for sure. Chrump will keep us guessing, gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and fighting with all we have to keep America from being Chrump again.

Ed Venture
Editor-in-chief

August 31, 2018

“Hair” Of The Dog

August 2018 goes down as the hottest month on record. Across the country, roads melt partially swallowing cars, trucks and buses. Trains are forced to travel at speeds not to exceed 25 miles per hour because moving faster than this will heat the rails past their ability to retain a useable shape. Two dozen planes simply burst into flames in mid-air, causing thousands of flights to be cancelled and airfares to double. Thousands of people extracting money from ATM machines saw much of their paper money vaporize before they could get the bills into their pockets. The Wall Street Bull was reduced to a sprawling blob of bronze lava. There was much rejoicing by a quickly convened Occupy Wall Street reunion to mark the occasion.

Donald Chrump’s “hair”, like most plastics, lost its structural integrity and signature “shape”. Reports (and a single photo) surfaced that he sustained several severe burns from the melting substance. Chrump was not seen in public (not even on one of his very beautiful golf courses) for over a month, presumably until a team of mechanical engineers, sculptors and cosmeticians were able to reconstruct his “hair” sufficiently to fool the public into thinking things were back to “normal”, at least as far as the Royal Coif’s appearance.

Many people insisted this was a much better look

September 24, 2018

I, The People

I. Mangrey, concerned citizen and patriotic blogger once again “testifies” before a joint session of Congress. Again, he was not subpoenaed. His input was not sought in any way. In fact, authorities have no idea how he got past security and mysteriously appeared at the microphone. Mr. Mangrey timed his appearance with one of the few working days agreed to by the once-august body. Donning the customary attire in a vain attempt to blend in, Mr. Mangrey was unsurprisingly unable to maintain the faux air of dignity and ennui typical of the legislators he hoped to sway. Even sporting his only tie, borrowed suit and best eyebrows, it was not long before his valiant attempts at civility devolved into language that would have reddened Dick Cheney, punishing volume and hysterical laughter. Mangrey closed with:

“I am here today to help bring forth on our continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Fuck you idiots and your Moronarchy. We The People are mad as hell and we’re not going to take this anymore. Take your Obamacare-killing tax cuts, your white nationalist nutjobs, your tea-baggers, your Chrump and your Koch brothers and find another place to despoil. We’re back baby. And we are not going away. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether this nation, or any nation so mired in money, misanthropy and manure, can long endure. We will endure. You will demur. And then you will be gone. Like slavery. Like the Polar ice cap. Like Sarah Palin. Like Harvey Weinstein. Don’t let our foot hit you on the way out. You don’t frighten us Republican’t pig-dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you so-called majority leader Mitch McConnell and all you silly sons-of-bitches. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-animal-food-trough-wipers. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a turtle and your father smelled of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. We are the majority.”

After that, he was again frog-marched out of the building and experts are still scratching their heads over the fact that he was not remanded over to authorities. Was it simply because he is white? Was it a coup? Perspiring minds want to know.

Some are saying that the marshals were too busy high-fiving Mangrey
and lining up for autographs and selfies.

And photobombing…

I doesn’t get out much

November 8, 2018

Make America Go Apeshit

On the second anniversary of losing the popular vote to Hillary Clinton (getting schlonged, as he would say), Chrump finally pivots. They kept saying he would do it. Many people said he would grow into the job and one day act like an adult, or at the very least like a mammal, rather than the rabid reptile he ran (and lived every moment of his life) as. No one could have anticipated that he would end up making the job grow into him.

What all of those very serious people could not have predicted, was the nature and severity of this eventual pivot. Many people could tell all along that the emperor’s clothes were, in reality, a straightjacket. That is why his necktie was so long; it was meant to go all the way past his tiny little pecker to be secured in the back. And the sleeves had yet to be properly secured. Until now.

Finally, something that fits properly.
Does it come in orange?

 

For anyone who thought they had already seen the extent of Der Furor’s stark raving insanity, they found that they had been sadly mistaken. Chrump releases a new line of hats – Make America Go Apeshit

One of the things that raised the level of concern to flaming red, was Chrump’s decision to annex Mexico.

Artist’s rendition of the ultimate Chrump pivot

December 25, 2018

Best Christmas Ever

Donald J. Chrump leaves office less than two years after his inauguration to a position he never really wanted, an office that most Americans voted to avoid letting him have. It only lasted 23 months, but it seemed like eons.

His legacy will haunt this nation for generations to come. We may never recover our global reputation – at least not the good parts. Our federal court system will be rife with unqualified, moronic fanatics with no sense of justice, no understanding of our Constitution, and no empathy for anyone not white, rich or a corporate entity.

The planet, which we have been abusing perpetually, but which many of us finally realized was suffering near-fatal illness as a result of our childish obsession with technology, might have been the most traumatized victim of the president-who-believed-the-whole-world-should-be-a-golf-course, except for all the coal mines he wanted opened and named after him.

Chrump, visibly shaken by his ultimate fall from disgrace, denies he ever was president:

The only thing more fake than the
Electoral College was Chrump University

Many people are saying that Chrump left in more disgrace than he entered with. He will not be missed. Many people also asked, "Can we go back to despising George W. Bush now?" We agree; the fact that Chrump was so much worse does not make Bush better.

December 31, 2018

Trumped Up Charges

After decades of scientists across the globe trying to get to the bottom of climate change, something quite unexpected emerged from all of the research. It did not matter what the focus of the study was. Whether looking at rising oceans, escalating storm intensity, increasingly hotter temperatures year after year, every study had one thing in common. The one thread that ran through every study was a surprise to all involved. The finding itself was not a surprise. The surprise was that this particular piece of data emerged from all of these studies that were seemingly unrelated to what was revealed. The science – real science, not the alternative science of climate change deniers, flat-Earthers and other Republican’ts – is now absolutely conclusive: Donald J. Chrump was a hoax. It could have been the Russians or the Chinese or some guy who weighs 400 pounds sitting on his bed in New Jersey, or simply the capricious act of a vengeful and bored-out-of-her-skull God, but a hoax nonetheless.

It turns out the “hair” was the most substantive
aspect of the Chrump phenomenon

The most appropriate response remains uncertain at this point since the discovery is so new. Though it is not difficult to believe, no one could have anticipated that such incontrovertible evidence would have emerged at this time. Though this discovery was in many ways assumed by many, we know of no one who has even begun to construct a strategy to mitigate this horrifyingly inconvenient truth.

And now, a little something to help you sleep at night…

This is what is known in the business as a good start.

Well, that’s it for Paying Attention in 2017 (unless something super crazy happens in the next 24 hours), and all we know about what to expect in 2018. For now, sit back and pour yourself a beverage; a nice hot cup of tea, a martini, maybe a hemlock smoothee. But remember, We are the Majority. Keep your Votegra dry for November 6^th when we wrest the Congress from the greedy, grubby, grotesque hands of the Republican’ts. They made Chrump. They love Chrump. They are Chrump. We have one more chance to make a government of the People, by the People and FOR the People again(?). Perhaps we shall not perish from the earth after all.

Ibraham Lincoln

In any event, make sure you have your Rent-a-Coma on hand. It’s flying off the shelves. And, now that you know what’s going to happen for the next 12 months, why put up with it when you can go into hibernation until the time is right?

From everyone here at Paying Attention:
Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King 

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