Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

Everybody knows this is Nowhere
December 26, 2017

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

The gang here at Paying Attention has been trying our hand at divining the year to come. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our beautifully dubious reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record so far has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2018.

In this case, it is the Year of Our Chrump 2020…I mean 2018 (this is the type of convenient memory modification that can be yours when you use Rent-A-Coma). Many people are saying that this will have been one of the worst years ever. And, that is after limping through 2016 and then 2017, which even more people are saying was the worst year ever. In the same way that thanks to global warming each successive year is the hottest year on record, 2017 will one day be known as the onset of Global Worsening – if we are lucky enough to be able to look back on it. It hardly seems possible that we are poised to have survived an entire year of a Chrump Moronarchy. We at Paying Attention are hoping that 2018 will not in fact be the Last Year, but are not holding our breath as The Orange Gas Cloud hits its stride. Right now it looks pretty unpromising.

For the past eight days we’ve been working the old Ouija Board, Tarot Cards, crystal balls aplenty and of course the venerable Magic 8 Ball, searching the ether for clues of what’s to come.

Many people are wondering what will become of the future as it labors frantically to become the present, and ultimately the past that can be conveniently and completely forgotten, rinsed and repeated.

January 1, 2018

Chrumpy New Year

Chrump takes to the airwaves, “Nobody could have predicted that 2018 would be happening right after 2017. I am calling this New Year’s Day. I think that’s a pretty good idea. Am I right? Too bad no one ever thought of this before. That’s why I’m in charge. I have a very good brain. I will be spending the rest of the winter at Mor-on-Lago and I’ll be back at my Summer Resort at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue when I’m good and ready. When you’re the president you can do whatever you want and they let you get away with it. You can talk about sexually assaulting women, then pretend to apologize for saying it, and then say you never said what absolutely everyone everywhere heard you say thanks to an Access Hollywood video/audio tape, not to mention eye witnesses. You can pretend to be presidential and con…I would say everyone, into thinking you’re not the loudmouthed, clueless, con-artist bigot you’ve been showing everyone you really are. And if all else fails, you can grab ‘em by the p*$$y. It always worked for me.”

So I grabbed it, so sue me. I never lose. Believe me. Believe me.



January 11, 2018

Moving on Chrump Like a Bitch

Don Chrump and Vlad Putin have been tabloid fodder for quite some time. The mutual admiration society they have shown the world since Chrump threw his “hair” into the ring for president has only grown over time. Many people are saying that though Don has repeatedly expressed his undying admiration for Vlad, Chrump’s idol, the feeling has been less than mutual. They are saying that though Chrump’s love is real, Putin is simply whispering sweet nothings in the hopes of getting the unsuspecting American to bend over and give him what he really wants. Finally, this one-way romance will be consummated – even it if is strictly business.

What do you say we blow this pop stand Don? I have beautiful limo right outside.

 

Don and Vlad suddenly disappeared from an impromptu press event at Mor-on Lago. Not even the Secret Service noticed that their charge, code-named “The Great and Powerful Mr. Chrump Sir”, had given them the slip. When they resurfaced some time later, the two leaders were wearing each other’s ties. Putin got his mark to sign off on several important concessions, including a promise to let Putin write some new laws just like all the other lobbyists do, kissed him goodnight and did not call the next morning. Baby Donald took to twitter…

February 25, 2018

Trophy Wife Womans Up

Hot on the heels of her hubby’s infidelity, Melania Chrump announces she is stepping down as First Lady. “This is not how I wanted to spend my late forties. Donald was not supposed to win. It was meant as a joke, just to get back at Barack Obama for refusing to admit being born in Kenya and because he is black. Donald just wanted some attention. I mean, grabbing women by the p*$$y is one thing, I can tolerate this. He tells me he is very rich…constantly. But, all of this politics business is too much for me. And he has no idea what he is doing. He is not very bright. I am relinquishing my crown and sash and letting Ivanka take over as First Lady for me. She’s not doing anything anyway and she enjoys prancing around pretending to be someone with something to offer. I am not wanting to leave Mr. Chrump…I mean Donald – my contract does not permit me to do that anyway. And I love him very much; this is very true. You have seen him in public and on Twitter. Imagine what he is like in private. Such a wonderful man. I will say that I love him until he finds his next wife. And then I am not permitted to say anything to anyone for 50 years.”

The happy couple

Go and get a stiff drink and gird your loins folks, we’re just getting started. I predict Part II is coming soon.

Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King bringing you the future before it’s too late.