A Clear and President Danger

We Are What He Eats

December 16, 2017

Many people are tremendously looking forward to our excellent annual predictions for the year that has yet to be. This year, more than any year in the history of years, there is no guarantee that the year ahead will ever see the light of day, let alone reach its own conclusion.

Though our track record for predictions has been incredibly terrific, we had a serious, albeit delightful hiccup, when the most unlikely political event since the Electoral College victory of Donald Chrump shocked the world earlier this week. That, of course, was the stunning victory of Doug Jones over the most disgraceful candidate for national office since Chrump – assumed pedophile Roy Moore.

Here is the prediction we are happier than Roy Moore at a junior high dance to be wrong about:

January 10, 2018

God’s Senator Takes a Stand

On the heels of Roy Moore’s big victory, Moore begins his time in the Senate by shooting Mitch McConnell in the back. As colleagues on both sides of the aisle looked on in horror, Moore tumbled off his horse, shot himself in the crotch, and declared himself the new Majority Leader of the Senate. No one argued at the time, but the ensuing Senate session was open-carry. There was a brief standoff, which came frighteningly close to a shoot-out. The good news is that no business was conducted as the entire session was little more than daily stand-offs. After McConnell’s untimely demise, neither side was taking anything for granted. Moore’s biggest, dimmest supporter took to Twitter to give his take:

 

We apologize for this unfortunate prognosticatory error, but clearly, less Moore is better. Back to the news of the present…

Chrump the Media Masturbator

Things have not gone as well for Donald Chrump as he expected. The winning he promised himself has not materialized outside of his rapidly liquefying brain. In his mind, everything is just the way he planned it. He is immune to reality. Unfortunately, reality is not immune to him and at this point it is fighting a rapidly spreading malignancy, and has just lost its healthcare. If you are still stubbornly tethered to reality, however tenuously, you may be experiencing some discomfort.

However great again Chrump imagines he has made America, some part of him knows all is not peaches and cream – despite his peachy complexion with the cream-colored eye areas. When Der Furor gets upset, he pleasures himself by getting Coked up and watching television, vast quantities of television. No one has watched this much television since Chauncey Gardener.

How great America?

A recent report documents how before taking office, Chrump instructed top aides to “think of each presidential day as an episode in a television show in which he vanquishes rivals.” I am relieved to see the strength of Der Furor’s grasp of reality television. However, I am not sure how to read his plan since there has yet to be one single day since January 20^th that anyone could possibly categorize as ‘presidential’. Nonetheless, many people are saying that there might be something wrong with Der Furor. There are also reports that he watches between four and eight hours of television a day, while binging on Diet Cokes – reportedly a dozen in a day. Where does he even find the time to watch all that television? Chrump recently pushed back at the fake news, telling a reporter, “I don’t get to watch much television. Primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents. A lot.” (actual lie…I mean quote) What with all the documents he imagines he is reading, all the giant signatures he has to make with his tiny little hands, the constant golf outings and making himself look so pretty, it’s a wonder he even has time to eat two McDonald’s Fish Filets and two Big Macs at a sitting. And all those Cokes. Clearly, Chrump’s body is less temple than trash heap.

It is fortunate that he has someone who brings his sugary drinks right to his face sphincter. Imagine if he had to stand up and get his own drinks. By the way Don, not sure what the Coke is doing, but the diet-thing – clearly not working for ya.

I. Mangrey reputing.