Chrumpergate

It’s Just Lock’imup Talk

Washingup, DC
December 2, 2017

For the record, I thought Watergate was great. Great, I tell you. I was in my late-stage teens and was what one would call a Nixon fan. So watching Sam Ervin and company expose the dark, unshaven underbelly of Nixon’s criminal madness. And when it comes to dark underbellies, vengeful sociopathy, toxic fear and runaway loathing (self and otherwise), no one is more Nixonesque than Donald J. Chrump. It is in this spirit that I can say, for the first time in a long time that, America looks like it might really be great again.

One of Chrump’s closest advisors during pre-inauguration phase, and then his National Security Advisor at the outset of the post-inauguration phase of the Chrump campaign – Michael Flynn – just gave up the ghost and pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI. Now why, one might ask, would someone who surely must have known much better, lie to the FBI? Someone who spent time as Director of the Defense Intelligence Agency during the Obama years? Why indeed. Flynn, as you may recall, was relieved of his post after only two years because he was pissing everyone off with his “leadership” style, and scaring the crap out of them with his endless insane conspiracy theories.

Flynn joined Team Chrump early on, and never left. Well, never, that is, until it became impossible to ignore the fact that he had a few too many Russians in his closet. At that point, he became the shortest-serving NSA ever. Flynn has now turned state’s evidence, and made a deal with The Mueller. This surely means that he is giving up someone higher up the fool chain. Chrump’s lawyer, Ty Cobb downplayed Flynn’s presence in Chrump World, telling reporters that Flynn was only, “at the White House for 25 days during the Trump Administration.”

Since Der Furor has been afraid to face the press for months, and has been in hiding since Flynn flipped (I’m sure he is just having trouble getting his “hair” sorted out), we decided it was necessary to provide you with the transcript of the press conference he will never give:

Reporter #1: Mr. Chrump, what do you have to say about Mike Flynn pleading guilty to lying, and now cooperating fully with Bob Mueller’s investigation?

Chrump: Mike who? I don’t’ think I ever met the guy.

Reporter #1: Flynn, General Michael Flynn, the guy who was your National Security Advisor – you know, one of the most important positions in the cabinet. Right next to the Oval Office, where you spend several days a month when you’re not golfing. Mike Flynn. You said he was terrific and that you loved him.

Chrump: Nope not ringing any bells. And I have one of the great memories of all time. Believe me. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone who Mike Flynn is or isn’t. My NSA is some guy named Disaster or McMaster I think. Jeff, or Rodney, or Sam; I don’t think his name is Mike though. You fake news guys are just making things up to stop Donald Chrump from playing golf…I mean being president, which by the way I am doing bigly.

Reporter #1: Yes sir. I think you mean H.R. McMaster. He’s the guy who took over for Flynn after you threw him under the bus.

Chrump: You are fake news. Fake news. Fake. News. Sticks and stones can break my legs but your fake words can never hurt Chrump. No more questions for you. Next!

Reporter #2: Did you mean it in July 2016 when you said, “I’ll tell you who was really impressive recently in my opinion, Gen. Flynn. I watched him, I’ve been a fan of his for a long time. So smart, so sharp and all of those things. Just a terrific guy…”?

Chrump: I say that about everyone, except for fake people like you. I already said I don’t really know the guy. Stop with the fake questions already. I’m the president. I don’t care about anything anymore.

Reporter #2: But you said to James Comey, “I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.” And then you fired Comey because he would not let it go, which you admitted to live on national television. Does any of this sound familiar?

Chrump: I am getting so sick of you fake news people. You just won’t quit will you? All of this fake news. It is so fake, and let me tell you also, it is really, really fake. Believe me. I don’t answer fake questions. Next!

Reporter #3: Why did you insist on bringing Flynn into your cabinet after President Obama warned you he was a serious problem and not to hire him? And then Sally Yates told you he was believed to be compromised by the Russian government, vulnerable to blackmail and dishonest in an ongoing way about his covert communications with a foreign government. What were you thinking?

Chrump: This fake Flynn guy you keep talking about was never part of my administration. I never knew him. We might have slept together a few times but that was it. He never worked in my White House. I’m not even there most of the time. If he did work there, it was only for like 24 days, max. That I can tell you.

Reporter #3: But he joined your campaign one month after you came down that escalator and called all Mexicans rapists. You are the only one who was part of your campaign longer than Mike Flynn. Even Melania was holding out longer than Flynn.

Chrump: Can’t hear you. Can’t hear you. Fake news. Fake, fake, fake. I won by the biggest landslide of all time. Best president ever. When you’re president you can do whatever you want and they let you get away with it. Mission accomplished.

He knows nothing…nothing.

I. Mangrey reporting. And…loving it.