Further Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and
Piffle
Here, There and Everywhere
December 28.5, 2017
December 28.5, 2017
Where We Will Have
Gone From Here
Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried,
tremendously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2017 melts away
like an M&M without its candy coating. If you have already started your
Rent-A-Coma program and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back –
I hope you are feeling refreshed. In any event, welcome to Part II of our
thee-part series on the way it will be in 2018. Buckle up.
March 15, 2018
Steve Bannon: The
Next Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin is caught in a men’s bathroom at the Wasilla
YMCA. The video of Palin genuflecting in front of Steve Bannon was bad enough, but
when it goes viral, things get even weirder for the Palin household. Sarah was
fortunate to have nothing to step down from and dizzily went about her
“business” after the humiliating event. Todd Palin is not so lucky. He is so
distraught, he hires a small plane to get his message out…
Todd Palin comes out of the toolshed
In the same way John McCain caused the word-borne intellectual
infection known as Sarah Palin, Don Chrump exposed the world beyond Breitbart
subscribers to a previously unknown – part troll, part virus, part decomposing sea
sponge – called Steve Bannon. Palin caused considerable brain damage across the
nation, ultimately resulting in a significant across-the-board reduction in the
national IQ, as evidenced by the ensuing Tea Party infection and subsequent
Electoral College victory of The Orange Gas Cloud. It took quite a few years
for the Palin to wear off, but now it is little more than an occasional rectal
burning and some moderate cerebral swelling from time to time, when Palin
manages to force her way into media coverage. For now, Bannon is all Chrumped
up and spreading his political herpes hither and yon. He is feeling his oats,
or maggots or whatever it is that fills his gullet. It sure ain’t Wheaties.
Bannon was unable to choose between the Palins, who
unsurprisingly refused to share. Despondent over the loss of both Palins, and
unable to propel his white nationalist minions to world domination, or even
annexing Alabama, Bannon crawled back under his heavily funded rock and, after
threatening to run for president, reverted back to licking himself to sleep and
shunning daylight.
April 1, 2018
Chrump and Fux
Chrump joins Fux and Friends, “Let me tell you, I am
draining the swamp like you would not believe. I’m also making the First
Amendment great again by joining Fux News. I will make it the firstest
amendment of all time. Mostly I’ll be phoning it in, like I always do, but you
just never know when I might pop into the studio to give you the real fake news
you really want. Who knows better than Donald J. Chrump what really goes on in
the White House? Who you gonna believe, me or those slimy, crooked, fake
reporters that hate me – and all of you out there – and keep swamping up
everything with their stupid facts. I will still be tweeting like a blithering
idiot, or a f*$&ing moron as General Kelly called me, but now you can also
see me right here. Or, at least a picture of me, every morning. And probably
for a few hours later in the day, before my very brilliant advisor, very
brilliant, who knows many, many things and talks to me all the time, Sean
Hannity is on. And also I will finally win that Emmy I always deserved and no
one can stop me this time.”
Chrump needs to be on a couch, but not this one
Actual tweet
May 1, 2018
Chrump Loves Putts
Chrump invites Putin to stay at the White House with Melania
while he shores up his golf game. “I love presidenting. I’ve been the best
president in history so far. No one can deny that. Believe me. But I own the
greatest golf courses in the world. I am doing so much amazing work it’s not
even funny. But now that I have all this time to golf, I don’t think I’ll ever
see the White House again, and not just because it’s such dump. I don’t think I
could bring myself to go back in there when I own so many of the world’s best
golf courses. I just want to stay on the golf course and work my ass off making
great tee shots, or at least making it look that way on my scorecard. I really
just want to spend time working on my putts.” Someone with intimate knowledge
of Chrump’s habits, who spoke to us allegedly, confirmed what we already knew,
“The only thing Chrump cares more about than his “hair” is his putts.”
June 25, 2018
Alternative Fake News
Comedy Central’s totally excellent, incredibly ultra-realistic
The President Show airs a 24 hour
marathon, which somehow is aired simultaneously all day on Fux News. Most
Chrump supporters cannot tell the difference between Comedy Central’s real
Chrump and the very fake one they managed to get into the White House as our
first part-time president. Chrump’s approval rating spikes above 25 percent for
the first time in months. His disapproval rating remains at 99 percent. It is
assumed that many Chrump supporters are not only illiterate, but too stupid to
answer a simple polling question.
The very real fake president takes the helm.
July 4, 2018
Look Before You Eat
Fast food junkie and piñata president Donald Chrump mistakes his own brain for a
chicken nugget and pops the shriveled sweetbread into his gaping maw. It ends
in disaster, as he survives the episode little worse for the wear. What he
later describes as “the greatest hiccup marathon in history.”
Chrump develops near fatal case
of hiccups after swallowing his own brain
The best thing that comes out of this incident is some of
the most cogent tweeting ever from president #45.
*****
Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac. There
is a good chance Part III is coming soon – we’ve got the 8 Ball in overdrive
and you will not want to miss what’s left of the future.
Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King continue
bringing you the future before it gets away.
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