Turn Your Head and Resign

It's a Turd, It's a Stain, It's a Whatever

The Bowels of the White House
January 12, 2018

Donald Chrump, under threat of medical subpoena, begrudgingly underwent his first physical exam as so-called president. There were few surprises, though very little that resembled a humanoid body. One independent medical expert who reviewed the findings described Chrump as “very much like a cadaver with a pulse…a very faint pulse, but probably a pulse.”

 

Chrump was examined by Rear Admiral Ronny L. Jackson, who has been a White House physician since 2006. Chrump was unsurprisingly hesitant to let Jackson get close enough to perform the exam when he learned that Jackson had previously examined Barack Obama. “As you know, I’m a huge germophobe and an even huger Obama-phobe. I had no idea that this doctor had his hands on Obama who was born in some shithole country. Did he wash his hands after? How can anyone know for sure? I was hoping to have my old doctor do my exam, but he apparently has locked himself in his own house. And by the way, I am very proud that thanks to me everyone has the privilege of saying ‘shithole’ on television. So much political correctness, so sad. Now Americans can say shithole all they want on TV. And the ratings will be very good. That I can tell you. Very good.”

Leaked reports of Dear Loser’s findings revealed that there was no sign of most of the usual internal organs, leading most medical professionals to conclude that Mr. Chrump is actually more like a very large, poorly camouflaged tapeworm.

Many experts are now questioning whether a giant tapeworm can actually be president. However, according to one, “The Constitution actually says nothing about the species of the Executive, or even members of Congress for that matter. We could very well one day find ourselves under the leadership of a series of ticks, adorable bunnies, YouTube kittens or even a spruce tree. Probably not bears, since they hibernate in winter, or deciduous plants that die back in the winter as well. There could be a problem with the age requirements for some of previously mentioned candidates, but that is clearly not the issue here.”

Admiral Jackson briefly addressed the press, “We determined that there was a very large mouth, leading to a tube filled with remnants of fast food and sugary liquids, ending in what can only be described as a hellish shithole. We observed what appeared to be tiny little hands and a tiny little whatever. I have been a doctor for over 25 years, admittedly mostly for mammals, but I’m ashamed to admit that I was unable to complete the exam after becoming physically ill. At this time I am announcing my retirement, not only as White House physician, but as a medical doctor altogether. I never want to risk seeing anything like that again.”

Although Chrump claimed he was willing to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, saying, “I have no hesitation to let them evaluate my amazing psyche. As you know, I am very stable, probably the most stable person, I would say, ever. As I have said many, many times – many times – I have a very good brain...I would say, probably, the best brain of all time. Everybody knows this. It thinks good thoughts, very stable thoughts, and helps me say very smart things in a very stable way. Also, I know more about the brain than any doctor. But, I will let them test me all they want, I just hope they can find someone who is not a fake doctor and is smart enough to take my brain pressure properly.” Unfortunately, no doctor could be found who was willing to take on such a dangerous mission.

I. Mangrey repulsed.