The Straights of The Union

2018 State of The Shithole

Capitol Hill
January 27, 2018



Once again, our intrepid team here at Paying Attention has gotten its many (and totally normal sized) hands on important news before it happens. One of the few customs Donald Chrump has deigned to uphold is the State of The Union address to the nation. We, through our double-secret anonymous source – Daniel Stormy, have obtained a partial transcript of Der Furor’s immanent State of The Union address slated for January 30^th. We thought you should have a chance to look it over in case you are unable and/or too wise to watch it as it happens.

Even merely reading his words is, as you would expect, painful, but it is undoubtedly better than watching him do it. Fortunately, thanks to his goldfish-like attention span and his excellent health, he cannot remain upright especially while acting presidential, so this should be relatively brief. Obviously, it can’t be brief enough. As this will be Chrump’s first and only State of The Union, it is sure to be an historic event…however exhausting and nauseating.

Artist’s prediction of Chrump delivering SOTU

 

“Thank you so much. I think that was the longest applause ever to start off a State of The Union address. It’s not that I don’t deserve it, but thanks anyway.

Mr. Speaker – I call him Tall Paul, Vice President Jesus Boy, members of Congress – but not the Democrat ones, my fellow white Americans, what an honor it is for you to be here while I tell everyone how great America is…again.

What a tremendously amazing crowd. I can see this is the largest crowd ever to attend a State of The Union. I know you are all excited to have the privilege of being in a room with Donald Chrump. Who could blame you?

What a great year it’s been. As everyone knows, I have been doing an incredible job. Truly amazing for someone who never did politics. It helps to be a very stable genius I guess. I’m sure you are tired of all the winning, but Donald J. Chrump will not stop until he has won everything there is to win. Everything. Believe me.

Many people are saying that I am the greatest president of all time. It’s not me saying this, it’s Fox and Friends, and many, many other people. Many people. All the time. I am glad to be giving you the privilege of having me as your president. And I’m not even charging you for it. I’m donating my salary to many charities, but I’m doing it anonymously so don’t bother snooping around for proof all you fake reporters out there.

I’m sure many of you remember the terrific day when I beat Hillary Clinton so very badly. Nobody thought an old white man could get elected president. It’s never happened before. I got more votes than all other presidents put together. Remember how red that map was? Everyone will be getting their very own copy very soon.

My doctor has assured you that I am the healthiest man alive, and will live to be 200 years old…at least. The fake and very crooked media refuses to believe how healthy I am. Too bad. My doctor Ronny Jackson – I call him Rockin’ Ronny – is the most trusted doctor anywhere and he knows almost as much about medical stuff as I do. He also said that I have probably the biggest hands of any president.

And one year ago today, who can forget my inspiring speech where I told everyone what a horrible, disgusting shithole America was before I came along. People are still talking about the largest crowds in history that came to see me get sworn in as the greatest president ever. The man who would make America so great again.
The fake news keeps talking about my lawyer paying some woman not to talk about an affair that the two of us agreed to say never happened. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Just because my thug/attorney Mike Cohen created a shell corporation, cut a check from that fake company a week later, and sent a check for a measly $130K to a fake name a month before my great, historic election. They say she was a porn star or something. I don’t even know what a porn star is, plus I’m a huge germophobe. Everybody knows this. I won’t even touch myself. I mean who the hell would cheat on a hot babe like Melania. And even if I did, I’m a celebrity; they let you do whatever you want. Plus, I’ve done this kind of thing all my life, that’s why everyone loves me. And Melania just had a kid, she wouldn’t have cared – and he’s a great little kid; no Ivanka, but he’s a nice kid. I love Bannon…I mean Barron very much. But I can tell you, I never had sexual relations with that woman. Just because I told this woman that she was smart and beautiful like my daughter Ivanka doesn’t mean I grabbed her by the pussy. I gave that up months ago. Just ask the Secret Service. And all the big Evangelicals have forgiven me, so long as I keep pretending to be anti-LGBT, anti-choice and religious. Also, it depends of what your definition of “paying a porn star $130K to keep quiet” is.”  

We are hoping to get hold of the rest of this history making, anxiety-generating, brain-breaking verbal assault. No need to thank us. Just doing our job.

Ed Venture
Managing (barely) Editor, Paying Attention