Looks Like Six More Weeks of Chrump

Chrump Blows Jobs

February 2, 2018

Groundhog Day – When our furry friend emerges from his
winter home, sees Chrump’s balding pate, and is paid $130K
to keep quiet about what he saw

Chrump, addressing both houses of Congress last week, blithely took credit for the tremendous economy he inherited from Barack Obama. Just as he told us that he started out in business with nothing – and by nothing, he meant millions of dollars his father gave him – Chrump now would have us believe that when he took office, the Dow Jones was at zero, and the economy was in the toilet. He appears to believe that thanks to all of his hard work and great deal making, and absolutely no golfing or collusion, no collusion, believe him, he saved the day.

Chrump also took credit for having the largest audience in history for a first SOTU even though Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton had more viewers. Chump was however, the first president to join in the applause for himself. At one point Chrump is seen beckoning Democrats to give him a standing ovation at one point.

Der Furor, heads back to Mor-on-Lago, wiped out after
acting presidential for 80 minutes at the SOTU

 

“I create jobs. And I always say, I will be the best jobs president God ever created.” God could not be reached for comment, but a close friend speaking on condition of anonymity and omnipotence said that God has been busy trying to bring back the dinosaurs in order to bring about a fresh start. “She – I know most people still foolishly think God is a guy – was originally hoping that Bernie Sanders was going to turn things around. Then after Hillary “won” the primary, she got pretty excited that the U.S. would finally have a woman president. I believe Her exact words were, “It’s about fucking time those yahoos had a woman running things.” After November 8, 2016 I almost never see God anymore. She rarely returns calls or answers prayers. Between you and me, I think She’s been hitting the sauce pretty heavily since that pussy-grabbing bigot took over. God actually asked me to just keep a list, but that was back in December 2016. I tried to keep it going, but I got overwhelmed and finally told Her I had other things to do. I thought She would be really pissed off, but I was surprised when She said, “Oh, to hell with it. I’ll get to it when I get to it. What are they gonna do, fire me? They don’t even have the slightest fucking clue who I am.” I told Her I would always be there for Her, but I just couldn’t devote all my time to the current project. We’re good though.”

Chrump has brought back some of those coveted coal jobs, while at the same time seeming to be overseeing the end of coal mining. You may remember that Der Furor claimed credit for the total absence of American airline fatalities in 2017. Some people – everyone else in the entire world not named Donald J. Chrump – find it ludicrous to attribute this statistic to any single person, let alone someone who weighs 400 pounds sitting on his bed, up to his neck in cheeseburgers, in the White House. In any event, there have been 15 coalmine fatalities since The Orange Gas Cloud took office. There were eight such deaths in all of 2016. We have yet to hear Der Furor take credit for this great accomplishment. At this rate we may simply run out of coal miners.

Mining advocates insist Chrump is partly responsible.  Chrump’s support for mine owners includes relaxed safety enforcement, scores of inexperienced new miners and inconsistent commitment to training programs and courses. Republicans in the House unsurprisingly want to cut mine safety budgets further, because isn’t mine safety just a communist plot after all? Chrump, who says he supports coal miners, has been silent on a Senate bill that would shore up miners' pensions.

Single, White Male Seeks Exit

Chrump seems to have had a tiny little hand in creating a few more great jobs. A record 30-plus Republican’ts (almost all old white men), including nine committee chairs, are leaving the House of Representatives in the run-up to the 2018 midterm elections. Three Republican’t senators have also decided to spend more time with families, pets, mistresses, attorneys, etc. rather than seek re-election.

Statistics are not yet conclusive as to which occupation – coal miner or member of Congress – presents greater health risks. The fact that many of these soon-to-be-ex-members of Congress are planning to work in coalmines has not been verified, but thanks to the newly obliterated regulations, no experience is necessary. Just be sure to update your wills fellas.

I. Mangrey retooling. Is it still a job if you do it for nothing?