Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part II

     Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

Here, There and Everywhere
December 28.5, 2018

Where We Will Have Gone From Here

Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried, tenuously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2018 melts away like the planet’s last remaining vital Arctic ice.  If you had already started your Rent-A-Coma program and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed.  In any event, welcome to Part II of our thee-part series on the way it will be in 2019.  Buckle up. 

Eenie meenie chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak

 

March 1, 2019

Happy Mueller’s Day

A new American holiday is on the books.  Today is the day that Robert Mueller finally gave up on digging up more dirt on the Chrump Crime Family and associates.  According to Mueller, “I know there is much more filth and slime under an as yet undetermined number of rocks, but my team and I just cannot take it anymore.  I have more than enough on the Chrumps to – how do they say it – lock them up, I believe is the phrase.  I can put these maggots away for so long, they might still be in jail when America starts dealing with global climate change and racism.  It does not matter to me that Mr. Chrump impeached himself; that just gets him out of office.  I want to make sure he is off the streets permanently.  I have never seen such blatant disregard for social norms, the law, the Constitution and basic human decency in all my life.  And I have spent several decades living and working in Washington, DC.  Hopefully, our long national nightmare is over.  I know mine is.”

While Mueller made it clear that Chrump and his family were nothing but a bunch of large-scale-petty criminals/felons who deserve jail time, they were nowhere near smart enough to scam a presidential election on their own.  It turns out there was another slime-ball involved in securing Russian and Saudi assistance.  It seems odd that this individual, who claimed it was God’s will that he become president, would feel the need to take out an insurance policy in case God changed her mind.  In a stunning turn of events, the Mueller investigation report makes it clear that the mastermind behind getting Chrump elected was none other than Mike Pence.  It turns out that Pence had compromising information on Paul Manafort, and put pressure on Chrump’s then-campaign manager to convince the small-handed, tiny-brained Republican’t nominee to choose the soon-to-be-ex-governor of Indiana as his running mate.  Ergo, both Chrump and Pence will be celebrating next Mueller’s Day in a different government housing venue. 

March 10, 2019

Picture This

Weekly movie night with Sean Hannity and Vladimir Putin has become a mainstay in the West Wing over the past year.  Hannity of course, basically lives in the White House (spending most of his time up Chrumps accommodating ass), while Putin remains constrained to joining via Skype most weeks.  Though many people assume Putin’s infrequent on-site film festivities are a result of security issues, it turns out that Putin is simply repulsed by Chrump’s eating habits, his reprehensible personal hygiene, and his insistence on not only wearing his unwashed robe, but doing so with nothing underneath, and all the inconvenient, intolerable exposures that inevitably result.

Oh to be a sightless fly on the wall…

April 22, 2019

Earthless Day

Chrump blames climate change on the media and science.  The Orange Gas Cloud notably blamed the devastating wild fires in California last November on forest management practices – the lack of raking leaves, to be specific.  While there may be some blame to be assigned to management (other than Chrump’s raking bullshit), it is interesting that, while the fires were still burning and destroying homes and lives, this was not considered too soon to talk about forest management.  Yet, when the daily mass shooting occurs, the Second Amendment fetishists scream bloody murder (Ironic, no?) that it is too soon to talk about stricter gun laws. Chrump tweeted,

Momentarily bored with Twitter, Chrump attempts his first and only Instagram post:

“I am the Earth. The Earth is me.  Shut up and eat some cake.”

May 1, 2019

Glorious RBG

Ruth Bader Ginsburg breaks several ribs – some of them hers, in a brutal, long overdue thrashing of Donald Chrump after Petulant Chrump lashed out at RBG on Twitter:

You couldn’t’ take Pelosi, you think you can take me?

 

Ginsburg later apologized, “I should probably not have clobbered such a defenseless, mentally disabled individual.  I have stood up for the rights of the less fortunate my whole life.  I should have been more sensitive in realizing that Mr. Chrump is not in control of his faculties.  I don’t’ even think he has any faculties.  Perhaps I should have smashed his phone and broken a few fingers, instead of knocking him out.  I promise to do better next time.  As for me, I’ve broken ribs before – it’s no big deal, unless the shape you’re in is that of giant puss-wart.”

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Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac.  There is a good chance Part III is coming soon.  Get ready for the end of 2019.  We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and celebrated a surprising number of “Signs point to yes”.   These are not fake predictions.  

Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.