Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part III

     Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

Up the river with half a paddle
December 30, 2018

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

Well, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in 2019.  With any luck, this will not be the last year we get to see.  There’s no way to know for sure. Chrump will keep us guessing, gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and fighting with all we have to keep America from being Chrump again.

Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor 

July 21, 2019

Executive Disorder

Der Furor, hoping to get in his last licks before being carted off to prison, cranks out a slew of maniacal and idiotic executive orders, many of which he clearly wrote all by himself* – he is such a big, smart boy after all – demonstrated his monumental ignorance of…well everything…but, in this case how laws are written and interpreted.  In what some are considering an accident Chrump inadvertently deports his latest wife, Melania. 

Chrump passes out after making his very large signature
on a bill banning all foreign-born Americans from remaining
in the United States; all his ex-cabinet members stood by like idiots

In another clumsily executed order, Chrump accidentally impeaches himself.  New, acting White House counsel Lindsey Graham (Chrump’s only remaining supporter other than Mike Pence) quickly dispatches a telegram in an attempt to explain the inexplicable.

* The “You Can’t Impeach the Greatest President of All Time”, “Re-naming the White House, Chrump Castle”, “Build Wall or Congress Goes to Jail”, “Fake News is No News, Going After Great Presidents is Illegal” Acts, to name a few.

September 24, 2019 – Happy Impeachment Day

Democrats tried very hard to avoid bringing charges of impeachment against un-prezident Donald J. Chrump.  They worked hard to finally get universal health care over the hump.  They fought tooth and nail to get funding for infrastructure and voting security.  Ultimately, the continuing crime wave coming out of the White House made it necessary for Congress to launch several hundred investigations into the Chrump Crime Family, Chrump’s extensive, hostage-like relationship with Russia, repeated episodes of obstruction of justice, endless displays of mental illness, and a variety of miscellaneous infractions and felonies.  They subsequently had no choice but to bring two dozen articles of impeachment against the most criminal person ever to hold the office of President of the United States.  Predictably, Chrump bragged.

The impeachment process is not a quick one.  Vegas odds had Chrump, as usual, caving to the pressure and leaving in the middle of the night before the process can get off the ground.  It turns out the odds-makers had it right.  Soon after the stench of impeachment became overwhelming, the Gingerhead Man disappeared.  All he left behind was the skeletal remains of the United States and another stupid tweet.

 

A passerby caught this photo with his infrared camera:

It will be interesting to see if the Secret Service protects now ex-prezident Chrump.  Ex-presidents enjoy Secret Service protection for 10 years after leaving office.  But, not necessarily if they are impeached or resign.  While Chrump was able to avoid actual impeachment by sneaking away, he will still face criminal charges for almost a dozen felonies.   

September 24, 2019

Caught In a Trap

Chrump is eventually found hiding in a specially designed sand trap at Mor-on Lago – not unlike the “spider hole” in which Saddam Hussein hid from American forces who eventually apprehended him.

“I wasn’t hiding, I was looking for crooked Hillary’s emails.”

Chrump’s few remaining loyalists were spotted not far from Chrump’s cherished Florida resort planning to get Chrump re-elected in 2020 or 2024.

 

October 31, 2019

Lady’s Choice

Ex-two-time-Speaker of the House, and now-President Nancy Pelosi
tries not to laugh so hard she pees herself as she assumes her new position

 

Interim President Nancy Pelosi, refuses to pardon either Donald Chrump or Mike Pence for crimes against the Constitution and the American people.  “Gerald Ford claimed he wanted to help the nation heal by pardoning Richard Nixon.  This horrible mistake did nothing of the sort.  While it is in my power, as third in line for the presidency after the removal from office of both Donald Chrump and is unrelenting, unrepentant enabler Mike Pence, and having now assumed the office of President, to pardon whomever I so choose, I will not pardon these two.  This I promise to the American people.  I have much more important and better things to do with my limited time in office, especially since I will not seek a full term of my own.  I am satisfied with seeing these two criminals safely tucked away in our nation’s history – a history they tried diligently to put to rest.  Our nation needs a fresh start, a giant enema, and a serious smack upside the head, as we attempt to recover from the disastrous Chrump years, few though they were.”

The People’s Prison

November 13, 2019

Fare(un)well

Chrump, apparently having forgotten that he is only still in the White House awaiting sentencing, sinks into a deep depression thinking he has lost re-election and refuses to leave the bathroom for several weeks.  Despite repeated attempts to draw the un-prezident out, Chrump simply screams profanities every time anyone on the outside tries to communicate with him.  Fortunately, he is unaware that his Twitter account has been suspended and he spends his time moving his bowels and rage tweeting.  Ultimately, his hunger gets the better of him and he is finally convinced that the election is not until next year.  Upon exiting his refuge, he is handcuffed and frog-marched into a padded vehicle to face a judge and the music.  His farewell address is shown in its entirety below:

“My hands are so large that I can fit my head through this opening.” 

 

November 30, 2019

Bucket Lust

Chrump, having slept through Thanksgiving, awakens from his slumber and pardons several buckets of chicken.  As soon as the cameras depart, Chrump inhales all three buckets.  “This sure beats the hell out of swallowing those live turkeys from last year.  The feathers were pretty annoying, but I definitely should have ripped their beaks off first.  That won’t happen again, this I can tell you.  I should have pardoned four buckets.  Go get me some Big Macs, I’m still hungry.  And brig me a bunch of diet Cokes; these buckets are making me thirsty.”

I hereby pardon these buckets of chicken, but not
anyone who lays a non-prezidential finger on them

December 25, 2019

Proceed at Your Own Risk

Pedestrian crossing signals throughout the country simultaneously ignored all those little old ladies (who are much more like me than I care to admit), parents with small children, and everyone else trying not to lose life and/or limb while negotiating an intersection.  The usually reliable, if not always timely walk/don’t walk signals all suddenly started flashing what can only be interpreted as a hearty salute the current White House occupant. 

Upon further investigation, even more rigorous than the entire hour they spent looking into Brent Kavanaugh, the FBI found no evidence of untoward interference of any kind, and simply chalked it up to one of the very rare signs from God that she still gives a flying fig about humankind.  The incident was officially classified as a Christmas miracle.  There is no truth to the rumor that George Hayduke was spotted near computers in the Federal Traffic Center.

______________________

You might have noticed that we did not predict Chrump on the brink of declaring war on South Korea, Canada and Mexico, threatening to kiss Putin’s ass (Chrump later claimed he obviously meant ‘kick’), the Great Depression-like crash of the Stock Market, the tanking of the economy, and Chrump’s big beautiful marshmallow border wall.  We felt it unnecessary to tackle the low-hanging fruit.  Everyone (except Chrump) knows these things are coming, since the Republicants have been doing everything they can to ensure these long-overdue events.

Well, that’s it for Paying Attention in 2018 (unless something super crazy happens in the next 24 hours), and all we know about what to expect in 2018. For now, sit back and pour yourself a beverage; a nice hot cup of tea, a martini, maybe a hemlock smoothie.  However you roll, make sure you have your Rent-a-Coma on hand. It’s flying off the shelves. And, now that you know what’s going to happen for the next 12 months, why put up with it when you can go into hibernation until the time is right?

From Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff, Shay King, and everyone here at Paying Attention:

SPECIAL – MEMBERS ONLY BONUS VIDEO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJJAd5wDpDY
Mose Allison