Paying Attention: Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

Everybody knows this is Nowhere
December 26, 2018

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

The gang here at Paying Attention has been trying our hand at divining the year to come. With Chrump still on the throne, it is barely possible to discern the present. Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an exact science. A large swath of America does not think science is an exact science. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our dubious reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record so far has been as good as anyone’s, since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2019

In this case, it is the Year of Our Chrump 2020…I mean 2018 (this is the type of convenient memory modification that can be yours when you use Rent-A-Coma). Many people are saying that this will have been one of the worst years ever. And, that is after staggering through 2016 and then crawling through 2017, which even more people are saying was the worst year ever. In the same way that thanks to global climate change each successive year is the hottest year on record with worsening environmental disasters, 2017 will one day be known as the onset of Global Worsening – that is, assuming we are fortunate enough to be able to look back on it. It hardly seems possible that we are poised to have survived two crushingly insane years of the Chrump Moronarchy. We at Paying Attention are hoping that 2019 will not in fact be the Last Year, but are not holding our breath as The Orange Gas Cloud hits its stride. Right now, it looks pretty unpromising.

For the past two weeks most of the staff have been working the old Ouija Board, Tarot Cards, roadside fortune tellers, and of course the venerable Magic 8 Ball, searching the ether for clues of what’s to come.

Our colleague Shay King throws a mean Tarot

Many people are wondering what will become of the future as it labors frantically to become the present and ultimately, the past that can be conveniently and completely forgotten, rinsed and repeated.

Before we begin divulging the gory details of 2019, one thing must be made clear. The Secret Service, in solidarity with Chrump-shutdown-furloughed government workers, have walked out on the job, thus leaving the exceedingly unpopular un-prezident unprotected. This will in no way increase the likelihood that anyone here at Paying Attention will attempt to do anything other than journalistic harm to said un-prezident. You have our word on this.

Ed Venture
Mismanaging Editor

January 11, 2019

How Blue Can He Get?

The 2018 midterm Blue Wave was so massive and the complete and utter absence of hot Wall action paired with Chrump's proud government shutdown caused Chrump to threaten to hold his breath until it was all over. As always, he was unable to live up to his word, which is as good having porcupine quills covering your face after being sprayed by an angry skunk. What ended up happening though, was the Orange One ended up turning blue himself. Unfortunately, the drastic color change scared him so much that he decided he should start breathing again.

Chrump doubles down on chins and intransigence

January 21, 2019

One-Way Ticket to Nowhere

The latest Killer Zombie Caravan of refugees that Chrump used as a political prop to instill more fear and loathing in his baseless base in the run up to the 2016 midterm election, finally arrived at America’s southern border. The thousands of troops Chrump rushed in to defend America from the millions of frightened, starving and exhausted asylum seekers were mostly asleep when all ten million arrived at the same moment. Fortunately for the abused troops, when the caravan arrived, the refugees realized that Donald Chrump was still prezident, said “Fuck this”, and turned around, deciding they would rather take their chances elsewhere. A spokesman for the caravan said, “We thought America, the country we all revered would have gotten rid of this Chrump by now. It is clear that we are much better off living under threat of arrest, torture and death at the hands of drug lords and brutal dictators than trying to enter an America that is still unwilling to rid their White House of such a hateful lunatic. By the way, I am not a criminal and I’ve never raped anyone, or even grabbed anyone by the pussy.”

America and Bust: Thousands of Americans
trying to get out before it’s too late

In a related story, hundreds undocumented workers quit at all of Donald Chrump’s American resorts. A spokesperson for the workers told Paying Attention, “We are desperate for work, but not that desperate. We can’t in good conscience work for this vicious man. We are proud to shut these resorts down. We won’t blame Mr. Chrump for the shut-down. We will own it. Seriously. We are not weak losers like him, and we won’t be bullied into caving by the likes of Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter.”

February 25, 2019

Et Tu, Butthead?

Twenty-five Republican’t Senators, wishing to avoid an unpleasant impeachment process, finally see the writing that has been on the wall for over two years now and switch parties en masse. We decided to jump ship in the hope that Mr. Chrump would see the writing on the wall and step aside of his own free will. A spokesman for the group told Paying Attention, “We did not count on the fact that, while he very well might have seen the writing on the wall, he was unable to interpret the symbols. I guess we should have used more pictures and fewer words. How could we have known this guy was such a danger? We thought he was just being hyperbolic when he said all Mexicans were criminals and rapists, we assumed he was kidding when he said he liked heroes that weren’t captured. We thought he was just having a little seizure when he was mocking a handicapped reporter. No one thought his humorous locker-room talk about grabbin’ by the pussy was a big deal. Now it seems clear that maybe we should not support him anymore. We just hope people will forget all the damage we caused so we can still get re-elected.”