The Odds of Chrump (Surviving COVID-19)

Murk And The Knee

Ides of March, 2020

Who among us is not at least somewhat familiar with the greatest playwright of all time, William Shakespeare?  His works are timeless, often being reimagined and repurposed to reflect the nuances of different eras.  

William Shakespeare reimagined

The team at Paying Attention has decided not to leave the office for the foreseeable future, after stocking up on chocolate, pizza and toilet paper.  With so much time on our hands (hands which we assure you are being washed, bathed in alcohol and boiled several times an hour) we could not resist reconfiguring for our time Marc Anthony’s famous speech before the Roman Senate on the Ides of March – though we may have lapsed into Hamlet at some point. 

Though Julius Caesar had been murdered leading up to this oration, the subject of today’s adaptation remains – despite posing a severe and present danger to humanity – among the living.  We will refrain from opining on that particular subject since it is bad form to wish anyone ill, particularly in written form.  After all, we come to lampoon our Caesar, not to bury him.  

Friends, Americans, countrypeople, lend me your eyes;

I come to batter Chrump, not to praise him.

The evil this man does stains us all;

He is no good right down to his bones;

So it has been with Chrump. The noble (not really) Cohen (remember him?)

Hath told you Chrump was mendacious:

As if we did not know, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath Chrump continued it.

Here, under threat of Cohen and the rest,

(For Cohen was in no way an honourable man;

So many of them, such dishonorable men)

Come I to speak in advance of Chrump’s political funeral…

He is not my friend, he has no friends. Faithful and just? Not even close:

But Cohen says he was mendacious;

And Cohen too was a dishonorable man.

He hadst paid many a porn star for their silence

Whose words could have made much trouble

Did this in Chrump seem mendacious? 

New, improved Marc Anthony 

When the poor have cried, Chrump hath snickered

Mendacity should be made of lesser stuff:

Yet he is all the good people of America have

To the purpose of leading a not yet great again nation

With the best words, the best people,

As we all await the vengeance of COVID-19

Or the coming Third of this November

To perchance rid our land

Of such a nefarious nitwit

My heart is in its coffin, though Chrump is not in his

And I must pause till it come back to me.

Our repose rests upon needles and pins,

Disrupting our every waking moment.

And torturing our fitful sleeps

With his endless, mindless tweeting

Aye, there’s the covfefe.

Enjoy the day.  Avoid the company of others, especially senators.  Wash the hands.  Touch not the face.  Guard thy toilet paper very strongly and powerfully.  Listen not to the orange frosted moron, spreader of disease and disinformation.

I. Des-of-March and the Paying Attention team reformatting.  Waiting to bury Caesar.