PAYING ATTENTION EXCLUSIVE: Talking (to a) Turkey

My Interview With You-Know-What, Part One

July 25, 2021

Fortunately for all involved, this is not as long as any of the current crop of tomes exposing more of the egregious exploits of the failed blogger who previously inhabited the White House after losing the popular vote to Hillary Clinton in 2016. Nonetheless, in order to spare your feelings and mental health the following interview will be meted out in two parts. So, take in Part One, collect yourself, maybe take a vacation, a brief coma or a lost weekend and gird your loins for Part Two.

“Michael Corleone did not hire as many criminals as Donald Turmp has.”
                Elie Mystal, on The Beat with Ari Melber, July 22, 2021

Donald Turmp is too narcissistic to resist running his lying mouth, even to reporters who have previously raked him over the truth coals, very publicly in the past, causing his fake orange hue to glow in the dark. Maybe he figured that since he got crushed by both Hillary Clinton and even more bigly by Joe Biden, that the day might not be too far off when no one will give a flying fuck what he has to say. No one that is, except the intractably ignorant millions who are immune to truth, intelligence and reality. And the soul-less, groveling Ratpublicans who stitched themselves to Turmp like a reverse-conjoined-twins procedure. And their decision to do so makes just as much sense as two worried (and obviously insane) parents placing a frantic call to Dr. Ben Carson (that alone should bring their mental fitness into question), at their half-wits’ end, insisting that their very healthy, normal twins need to be surgically joined.

On the precipice of my dangerous mission.

Unfortunately, you can still kind of make out his face

It is probably Turmp’s uncontrollable need to be seen and heard and to be damaging to everyone and everything that is not him, that caused him to do countless hours of interviews with the likes of Bob Woodward, Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker, and Michael Wolff – even though all of them had previously shared an abundance of, shall we say uncomplimentary and horrifying surprises after observing and interviewing the Bloated, Walking Cheese-Puff.

Turmp is so desperate for attention after being banned from Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and the White House that our managing editor, Ed Venture was able to wrangle a face-to-whatever-that-thing-on-his-neck-is with Don, Sr. However, this get was got only on the condition that we keep the questions to a minimum, and the words very simple. Ed is no dummy, and refused to do the interview himself, so I drew the short straw.

I. Mangrey Talks To The Wall

Mangrey: Mr. Turmp – I hope you don’t mind if I don’t address you as “Mr. President,” because there’s just no fucking way in hall that’s ever going to happen. Even addressing you with ‘Mr.’ makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, do you think you incited the riot-in-your-name that you obviously incited on January 6^th?

I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, Fred.

Turmp: Let me just say, very powerfully and very strongly, maybe not as strongly as Putin – who is very powerful and strong, I don’t know why I wouldn’t have…I mean, I don’t know why I would have…anyway they both mean the same thing. And I’ve never done anything wrong. You can’t name one thing I’ve ever done wrong. I’m one of the best, nicest people anyone has ever met. And the least racist person you’ve ever met. Just ask me.

Mangrey: First of all, you did so many horrible things that I’d probably die of old age before listing them all, but I’ll just name one obvious one – does the name Don, Jr. ring a bell? My question is, did you purposely try to kill 600,000 Americans with your Turmp virus, or were you simply too ignorant to know what the fuck you were doing? I mean, drinking disinfectant?

Tune in next time for the scintillating, nauseating, mind-boggling, soul-curdling response to this and other trenchant queries.

I. Mangrey revealing.