Reuters reports that Chrump is more likely to read national
security briefing materials if his name is mentioned in as many paragraphs as
possible. It was also reported that he still prefers one-page memos and visual
aids.
According to Talking Points Memo, [o]ne unnamed source told Reuters that since
Trump “keeps reading if he’s mentioned” in briefing materials, officials
on the National Security Council have learned to insert the
President’s name into “as many paragraphs as we can.”
Alternative sources inform us that the “president” prefers
small words and as many pictures as possible. It is common knowledge in the
West Wing that Chrump gets more from the pictures than the words.
Paying Attention has obtained an exclusive leak of Chrump’s most
recent daily…actually, in this case, bi-weekly intelligence brief. Our
informant, Cheap Gloat, has promised periodic updates on the inner workings of
The Orange Gas Cloud and what is left of the White House; apparently Chrump has
been throwing dishes, smashing sculptures and ripping priceless portraits off
the walls and ramming his head through them when he gets angry, which we are
told comprises 90 percent of his waking hours, when he is not watching
television or signing his name on any uncluttered surface…the rest of his time
of course is spent tweeting.
“Dear Mr. President Chrump sir. Please be advised that this
briefing for Donald Chrump is simply to advise Mr. Chrump that the North
Koreans, who do not like Mr. Chrump, are planning to launch a big missile.
This missile could very well have negative impact on Mr.
Chrump and possibly other people, including Ivanka and Jared. Mr. Chrump’s
country, which is America, and loves him very much, might also have bad things
happen. Russia could also get hurt. We feel that these bad things would make
Mr. Chrump very sad.
Thank you Mr. President Chrump sir for taking time out of
your very busy day. We know that being president is very difficult Mr. Chrump –
though not as difficult for you as it would be for other people who are not
Donald Chrump because you are very strong and very, very smart – and we are
grateful that you would spare a few minutes to read these messages. We know
that you, Donald Chrump, do not really need to read any of this because you are
so very smart and presidential.
We just wanted you to have this so that maybe you would tell
us what we should do with this information. If you have any questions we would
be happy to answer them, even though you know so much more about these things
than we do. Thank you again Mr. President Chrump sir. Please let us know if
there are any particular nice things you would like us to say about you Mr.
President Chrump sir. We know very well how much you hate any kind of
intelligence. Boy, do we know. Nothing in the history of humankind has ever
been more obvious. We will try not to bother you again with these silly
briefings unless it is absolutely necessary Mr. President Chrump sir.”
Sorry you had to see that, but we felt the public had a right to know. We will of course keep you updated as conditions
deteriorate.
I. Mangrey reporting.
No comments:
Post a Comment