Paying Attention EXCLUSIVE

Recently Discovered Poems by Alternative Ogden Nash

The Past
May 29, 2017

An American icon, Ogden Nash penned over 500 humorous poems starting in the 1930s until his passing in 1971. He was America’s best-known producer of humorous poetry due in no small part to his unconventional rhyming schemes, and was regarded with respect by the literary establishment. Nash also made guest appearances on comedy and radio shows and toured the United States and the United Kingdom, giving lectures at colleges and universities.

The Germ

A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.

Ogden Nash

What follows is the tip of the Nashian, or should I say alternative Nashian, iceberg of startlingly prophetic verse, which would be right at home in today’s alt-America. Carbon dating was unable to establish whether these were written before or after his passing. Either way it is with great pride that we bring you this exclusive discovery. Eat your heart out Breitbart…and we mean that literally. We would love for our Disaster-in-chief to see these verses, but unless they show up on Fux and Friends that is unlikely.

The Chrump, Part 1

A dangerous, loud, crazy spreader of hate,
Claiming to re-make America great,
He Chrumps and he grumps, all insults and lies.
His contempt for us all, he does barely disguise.
Yet the more we discover just what lies beneath,
The more there occurs a great Nashing of teeth. 

The Chrump, Part 2

The Chrump he is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Go ‘way, go ‘way, you orange putz,
You’re sick’ning every one of us. 

Tableau At Twilight

I sit in the dusk. I am all alone,
Enter a Nixon/Chrump idiot Roger Stone.

Americans are easily beguiled,
By nasty assholes running wild.

The friendly embers warmer gleam,
When they promise all that one might dream.

Stone and Manafort, Chrump and Pence,
All Russian dupes, with no defense.

By crook they defeated the Electoral College,
Their alternative facts all but suffocate knowledge.

Their Boss, The Chrump, an angry child,
Conspiracy theorist, running wild.

He’s here for a while, until he gives up,
Or blows up the world, or we make him stup.

The challenge ahead, much more than a tad,
A talentless conman as president. SAD.  

The Purist

I give you now alt-president Chrump,
A lunatic moron, perpetual grump
His minions swear, "He never bungles!"
He just keeps losing, all thumbs and fumbles.
Camped in our White House,
A few days each week.
But mostly he’s golfing,
A mental pipsqueak.
Alt-president Chrump, historic disgrace.
I wish, I wish he’d go aways. 

The Orange Gas Cloud

No discernable substance, nor position of merit,
No long-term vision of what we all will inherit.

In the great big round world, not a whit of a care,
With the glaring exception, of the stuff he calls hair.

Nothing solid, nor useful, nor healthy exists,
Just pretense, barely wealthy, with enemy lists.

His “mind” changes direction, like the wind in a twister,
He’s hot for his daughter, but not for his sister.

Each word from his mouth, either lie or insult,
Loose cannon, with Bannon, we might die by your fault.

Every move he’s made seems unconstitutional,
Each idea in his head is simply delusional.

It is Chrump needs to be repealed, replaced,
And each change he has made, oh so quickly erased.

Alternative facts create his intractable bias,
A filthy, frayed rug is what he’ll always lie as.

Please, pack up your gold-plated things and just leave,
And take every lie that you’ve got up your sleeve.

So I say, Mr. Chrump, with all due disrespeck,
Your brain it is damaged, your ideas all are dreck.

Spend the rest of your days alone with your ego,
Build a wall to keep you fore’er in Mar-a-Lego.

We are working on digging up other great works of alternative literature, so stay tuned.

Ed Venture
Editor-in-chief