History Re-tweets Itself

A Man, A Map and A Hot Mess

Beyond the Electoral Map

May 5, 2017

Last time, we touched on Chrump’s unbelievable grasp of American history. Chrump’s latest reality-adjacent adventure takes us to the Middle East, about which he said, “maybe not as difficult as people have thought over the years.” He thinks fixing the Middle East will be easy. Easier than healthcare reform? Easier than dealing with North Korea? Easier than being president? Many people heard Chrump say, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. There’s already a considerable wall going on there. I don’t even know why everyone’s so angry. This should have been settled a long time ago. Other leaders are just too stupid. It’s not like this Middle East thing has been going on for decades or anything. I’m sure I can make a great deal over there. I always do, right? I wrote the art of the deal, by the way. You’ll see. Something very big is going to happen very soon. Very. That I can tell you. If Andrew Jackson was around he would put a quick stop to the civil war over there. So it’s up to me. I am going to make the Middle East great again. I alone can fix it. I am going to put my best Jews on the job. Believe me. Now check out my terrific new electoral map collection. I won, you know.”

Do these hands make my brain look small?

The Greatest Greatness of All Time

Washington Post White House Bureau Chief Philip Rucker said that during a recent interview Trump pulled out a copy of this winning electoral map and requested it be included on the front page alongside the interview discussing his first 100 days as dictator wannabe. According to Rucker, “He brought out the map, he said, ‘Aren’t you impressed by this map?’”

When Chrump is not still blathering on about his amazing election day, he can now drone on about his stupendous first 100 days. The list of amazing accomplishments is both endless and imaginary. The only president who possibly achieved less in his first 100 days than Hair Chrump was William Henry Harrison, who contracted pneumonia at his inauguration and died one month into his term. Despite fighting pneumonia in 1841 – with no Obamacare to save him – the ninth president likely spent more time actually working than the 45^th.

When asked to grade his performance to day during an interview, Chrump gave himself a grade of ‘A’ for all he has accomplished thus far, saying, “I can’t tell you how proud I am of what I have accomplished – and not just on the, I mean my golf courses. I have read several pages of the biography of Andrew Jackson, maybe the greatest American president up until today. And one of the best slave owners ever. He could have prevented the Civil War if he had not died 16 years before it started. He could have prevented the Trail of Tears as well, but why should he? He had to protect America from all those illegal Indians. Anyway, I prefer presidents who didn’t die. I thought my amazingly incredible victory on November 8^th was amazing. A lot of people don’t realize that I was elected president. How many of you knew that? But now I can see that my time as president, though it is not nearly as easy as I thought it would be, is going very smoothly.” Paying Attention has obtained Chrump’s 100-day exam, or as he calls it “All I Really Need To Know About How I Became The Greatest President of All Time.”

How great would you say America is right now thanks to Donald Chrump?

a) Just great enough
b) Too great to even believe
c) The most greatest of all time
d) Simply cannot stand how great it is
e) Depends on what your definition of “is” is

Chrump once again waxed disturbing over Kim Jong-un, "At a very young age, he was able to assume power. A lot of people, I'm sure, tried to take that power away, whether it was his uncle or anybody else. And he was able to do it. So obviously, he's a pretty smart cookie." Said the very dumb cracker.

WARNING/APOLOGY: the video you are about to either see or ignore contains very disturbing footage of someone you would presumably prefer to forget. Though you will undoubtedly recognize this man and feel sick to your stomach, you will also come to realize that Donald Chrump is not as uniquely incapable of self-awareness as it seemed. Chrump is not alone in his incredible ability to deflect reality and facts as though they were flies lumbering through their final minutes of life.

Speaking of Deflecting Reality…

Talk to the tiny little hand

President Donald Trump abruptly ended a recent interview because John Dickerson asked the reality-starved reality star to defend the completely debunked accusation that President Barack Obama had personally wiretapped him during the campaign, an accusation Chrump refuses to retract.

“You stand by that claim about him?” John Dickerson asked Chrump on “CBS This Morning.”

President Cheez Whiz shot back, “I don’t stand by anything. I just, you can take it the way you want. I think our side’s been proven very strongly and everybody’s talking about it.”

Dickerson: “You’re the President of the United States. You said he was sick and bad.”

Chrump: “You can take it any way you want. You don’t have to ask me. You don’t have to ask me.”

Dickerson: “Why not?”

Chrump: “Because I have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions.”

Dickerson: “But I want to know your opinions. You’re the President of the United States.”

Chrump: “OK, that’s enough. Thank you.”

Chrump then turned and walked away, sat down at his desk and pretended to look at some papers. America is now suffering from a pre-existing condition.

I. Mangrey reporting. Here’s to the first president to win a Darwin Award.