April 31, 2017: Thus Begins The Next 100 Days

May Day Is For Workers and Other Losers

Chrump’s America
May 1, 2017

In honor of May Day, the long-standing traditional day honoring workers around the world, Hair Chrump, in an effort to display his undying solidarity with workers…I mean dictators the world over. Here is his statement:

 “Beginning right now and from this day forward I, Donald J. Chrump – the greatest president in American history, by presidential decree, declare that there will no longer be a May 1st. That date has been contaminated by fake political nonsense. So-called May Day is a disaster. An absolute and a total disaster. Workers can celebrate if they want to, but it must be in private, and on their own time from now on. No more of this prancing around trying to get attention. Or better pay, or working conditions or less harassment from their bosses. How greedy can you get? Workers are making too much money and raping rich people everywhere. I say enough already. I decree that today will now be known as April 31st. I only wish April originally had 31 days, then I would have been able to make April the only month with 32 days. That would have been great. Also, if I had been around during the Civil War maybe I would have figured out why it happened. I alone could have fixed it. It’s what I do. I fix things. believe me.” Chrump added,* “There's no reason for this. People don't realize, ya know, the Civil War — if you think about it, why? People don't ask that question, but why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”

Yeah, what the hell was all that Civil War stuff about anyway? No one really knows for sure. Can we have a do-over? I heard it had something to do with snakes’ rights or something like that. But really, why didn’t the great Andrew Johnson and the other founding fathers take care of that Civil War nonsense. Maybe next time they will get it right.

Here’s hoping.

More Man-of-the-People Stuff

According to Chief of Butt-Sniffing Reince Priebus, the Chrump administration has "looked at" the possibility of changing libel laws to allow them to sue The New York Times. The most dishonest president Carl Bernstein has ever witnessed would have us believe it is the media that is dishonest, presumably because they frequently refuse to swallow the incessant lies perpetrated by The Orange Gas Cloud. Though it is entirely possible that he is unaware that he is lying, that does not make what he says any less false, insane or dangerous. Worse than that, in his febrile mind, is his perception that they are mean to him, when they should be liking him so very, very much – because he won the biggest election ever, by the largest margin ever, making him the most likeable person ever. Chrump’s answer to this problem seems to be – get rid of the First Amendment. Der Furor will likely be soliciting advice from murder-happy Philippine dictator/president Rodrigo Duterte and Turkey’s newly-fraudulently-ensconced dictator Recep Tayyip Erdogan, who got a congratulatory phone call from Hair Chrump after prevailing in a rigged election, on how to rid our nation of the scourge of the First Amendment when they visit alt-president Chrump.

Alternative sources report that Chrump was recently overheard to say, “We have too many First Amendments in this company…I mean country. We’d be better off having another Second Amendment instead. I think it’s about time we had an investigation into just who it was that put that First Amendment in there. I don’t think Americans did that. Do you? I’m pretty sure you agree with me on this. Am I right? I think it was probably some liberal commies who did that. Because we don’t need anything like that. That’s why Americans have guns, to make sure their voices are heard. And respected. That I can tell you.” The source insisted that there was no one else in the room when Chrump was overheard making this statement.

I. Mangrey reporting. Mayday, mayday.

*non-alternative quote