The Hundredth Day
April 29, 2017
April 29, 2017
During a Reuters interview on day 98 Der Furor whined, “I
loved my previous life. I had so many things going. This is more work than in
my previous life. I thought it would be easier.” ‘Thought’ is such an overused
term. While discussing Chinese President Xi Jinping, The Orange Gas Cloud
paused to hand out Electoral maps of the United States with areas he won marked
in red saying, “Here, you can take that, that's the final map of the numbers.
It’s pretty good, right? The red is obviously us.” And by “us”, of course, he
means him. The only significant thing Chrump did during his first 100 days was
get elected…and that happened 2½ months before the 100 days began. You know it
is the only thing he is proud of because he still talks about it everywhere he
goes.
Not only did Chrump blather on endlessly during the
campaign-he-keeps-reminding-everybody-that-he-won about how America-great-again-making
his first 100 days in office would be, he put it in writing on his website – a
100 day action plan/Contract With America. Remember America? It does sound
vaguely familiar. I’ll have to get back to you on that. At any rate, like so
many of Chrump’s contracts, this one is not worth the electrons it was written
on.
Don’t bother reading the words,
they are just there for show.
Chrump has amassed 34 “Day One” promises that he broke after
being sworn into office. He did manage to pass some critically important
legislation. Almost immediately after taking office he made sure that mentally
ill people like himself would never be denied access to firearms. He just became the first president since Reagan
to address the NRA's annual meeting. Chrump also
made it possible for mentally ill people and other assorted assholes (like his
sons) to shoot pregnant, hibernating bears. I cannot think of one country – friend and foe
alike – with the possible exception of Russia and the Philippines, who is not
scared, ill at ease, and/or angered by the Chrump regime. I sincerely hope this is as great
as America gets. For now, let us review some of Hair Chrump’s other stellar
accomplishments in his first 100 days…
Flynn Stoned, Bull
Sessions and Neiling Down
Chrump fired for lying, after only 24 days, one of the
highest ranking appointments – one immune from Senate interference
confirmation – the National Security Advisor, conspiracy theory merchant and
Cro-Magnon man, Michael Flynn, who is now under intense scrutiny for treasonish
behavior involving palling around with Russians...for money and
who-knows-what-else. Chrump naturally blames Obama because Chrump either did not
bother vetting, or did not care, or was perhaps thrilled that Flynn was also
working for the Russians and Turkey. Obama fired Flynn years ago essentially for
being impossible to work with and perhaps just a tad insane.
He appointed throwback bigot Jefferson Beauregard Sessions,
who lied during his confirmation hearing to become Attorney General. Of the
United States. Of America. Now. Sessions’ Turn Ons: white people, white
supremacy, the Confederacy, guns. Turn Offs: African Americans, African
Americans voting, non-white immigrants, cogent thought.
Chrump nominated, and the Senate blew up the rules to
confirm, the wonderful
Antonin Gorsuch – or whatever his name is, to fill the stolen seat for which Merrick Garland was nominated and then summarily stonewalled
by Senate Republican'ts. Gorsuch heard his first case and
cast his first deciding vote. The decision ended up allowing the execution of a
very possibly innocent man by the state of Arkansas. The ACLU was pushing for a
DNA test shortly before Arkansas’ rush to murder (they managed to kill three
more in rapid succession) before the drugs they came by illegally, which have
rapidly approaching use-by dates and are set to expire. This would presumably
nix the illegal state-sponsored killings. I suppose it is bad etiquette to
execute someone with expired drugs. Maybe someone in Arkansas has some guns
they could use to penalize somebody to death.
WTFF
The Best Deals in
Town
Chrump started a trade war with a dangerous nemesis –
Canada. Though he did also do a patented Chrump U-turn on killing NAFTA. Chrump
in October, 2016: “By the way, NAFTA is the worst trade deal ever made in the history,
not of this country, but of the world.” Chrump a few days ago: “I was going to
terminate NAFTA as of two or three days from now…* but then someone very smart [the
President of Mexico and Canada’s Prime Minister] told me what NAFTA is and now
I will reconsider. It’s kind of like what happened with that NATO thing a few
weeks ago. I said it was obsolete and a terrible, terrible disaster and then
someone [NATO Secretary General] told me what it actually was and it
sounded kind of okay. We might raise their rent there in New York – I own a lot
of real estate in New York by the way – so we’ll see. Plus, Jared said we
should keep it and so did Ivanka. So there you go. I won the Electoral College,
which everyone said it couldn’t be done. Probably the popular vote too. I guess
we’ll never know for sure.” WARNING: actual quote coming… “…the first time I
was ever asked about NATO, because I wasn’t in government. People don’t go
around asking about NATO if I’m building a building in Manhattan, right? So
they asked me…about NATO, and I said…NATO’s obsolete – not knowing much about
NATO…” or clearly anything else.
Would You Believe…?
The Maxwell Smart of presidents is at it again. Candidate
Chrump told everyone that on day one, “I will direct my Secretary of the
Treasury to label China a currency manipulator. China is a currency
manipulator.” Would you believe…After meeting with China’s President Xi, Chrump
once again changed his tune faster than a juke box; “They’re not currency
manipulators,” he said. I guess he did not know much about China. Who knew?
In a rare occurrence, Chrump convened all 100 Senators – one
for each of Chrump’s first 100 days – drive in a bus to an un-secure location in
the White House to hear what was sold as classified, highly sensitive information
regarding North Korea. But mostly just to show who is in charge and because
Chrump needed something to pad his very, very terrible 100-day resume. At least
one Senator described the briefing as nothing he had not heard on CNN. The room
had to be fitted with a cover to ensure that no unauthorized video emerged -
like the cone of silence - only dumber.
Just days later, and still under the 100-day wire, Chrump, in
an unpresidented move, told Reuters, “There is a chance that we could end up
having a major, major conflict with North Korea. Absolutely. We’d love to solve
things diplomatically but it’s very difficult.” Clearly, anything beyond
applying spray-tan and hairspray is above Don’s pay grade and qualifies as very
difficult. What the heck, starting an illegal, unnecessary war got George W a
second term, it must be worth a shot. I am certain that Chrump will be very disappointed
that his war with North Korea could not start during his first 100 days. He will keep trying even if he cannot get it going until day 101.
Chrump's work on the environment during his first 100 days has
been beyond description. He just signed an executive order opening up previously protected areas to fossil
fuel exploration/extraction. He is poised to sign another that directs the
fox in the Interior Department hen house Ryan Zinke to “review” the status of all
public lands designated as national monuments after 1996, and put them on the
chopping block for drilling, mining and logging. Chrump will be the first
president to threaten to retract any national monument designation under the
Antiquities Act. Think ISIS destroying ancient statues and artifacts…on
steroids.
Chrump’s impact on the Earth
will never be forgotten.
Never have (slightly altered) words uttered by George W.
Bush been more apt – “The question is: Is our children presidents
learning?”
100 days ago
Something you kind of assumed without realizing it: Chrump
has a red button on his desk that he pushes to have a butler bring him a Coke. Not
kidding. It’s good to be the king.
I. Mangrey reporting. Is America great or what?
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