Mor-on-Lago
April 16, 2017
April 16, 2017
“Hello my fallow Americans. North Korean president Kim Kardashian launched a pathetic
little missile that almost landed in his lap. Sad. Nobody knows more about
pathetic missiles landing in his lap than Donald Chrump, that I can tell you. I
guess Kim had to do something to show his strength after my generals bombed the
shit out of ISIS with the motherfucker of all bombs. I think that’s what they
called it. I don’t bother keeping up with that stuff, especially when I’m
preparing for the most important day in Christianness – Easter – the day when
baby Jesus ate his first egg, which he found hidden in a pile of green straw. And
as you all know, while he was eating his egg, he was visited by an
angel-rabbit. In honor of this very special day, I will be golfing with God. My
military will do what needs to be done. They are the best chocolate cake you
have ever seen.
Chrump hard at work searching
for his balls
Also, that huge bomb killed all 36 members of ISIS, so like I
said during the campaign – which I won very impressively – defeating ISIS was
very easy. And I was the one who was golfing or tweeting or watching FUX and
Friends – I’m not sure what time they did it – when ISIS was finally defeated
once and for all. Donald Chrump has made MISSION ACCOMPLISHED great again.
Those horrible criminals who were protesting to see my tax
returns should be crucified if you ask me. I will be directing my chief racist,
Jeff Sessions to investigate and jail all of these fake Americans who think
they run this country. They are not president, I am. And there will be no more
of this socialist protesting against me. I won, I am winning and I will not put
up with losers who think American citizens have any say in what the government
is doing. Not on my watch.
As soon as I finish golfing I will have my people prepare
for the Easter Eggroll. The best eggrolls ever are made at Mor-on-Lago with
only the freshest bacteria, which are kept in the best antique refrigerators
anywhere. I’m looking forward to having many, many Easter Eggrolls. I love
mixing the mustard with the dog sauce. Most important, I want to say that I will
be going to church on this sacred day to thank God for creating the Electoral
College, which I once said was a total disaster, but now I am happy that it
made me president. So, Happy Easter to all my supporters. Notice I didn’t say ‘Happy
Holiday’. That’s for losers. God bless the United States and God bless Donald
Chrump.”
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