Crappy Anniversary America

For He’s a Jolly Good Felon

October 8, 2017

It was one year ago today – as hurricane Matthew was poised to beat the crap out of Florida – that Donald Chrump’s presidential campaign mercifully went up flames after an 11 year old Access Hollywood recording of Chrump describing one of his favorite sexual assault tactics surfaced. Chrump’s assault comprised popping some Tic-Tacs and kissing unsuspecting, non-consenting women in the hopes of grabbing them “by the p***y.” Chrump insisted this was merely “locker room talk”, but locker rooms everywhere immediately disavowed any association with the Orange Gas Cloud and his disgraceful, predatory comments.

I am sorry, I might have part of that story wrong. I am being told that everything about the sexual assault part is correct, but that the creature responsible for it did not see his campaign dissolve into a toxic mist. He is apparently president of the Electoral College, or some such thing and is still kissing women against their will, including reporter Katy Tur. The ACLU has filed a Freedom of Information Act request for Secret Service records to determine if Old P***y Grabber has been keeping his tiny little hands busy as well.

To celebrate the anniversary, the women’s advocacy group Ultra-Violet held a “Grab Back” rally on the National Mall. The rally included playing the 2005 Access Hollywood recording where Der Furor sickened most (but not enough) of the American public with his crude boasting of sexual predation. Ultra-Violet ran the video on a loop from 9 a.m. ET to 9 p.m. on a large screen near the White House. Reports vary as to how long Chrump stood by watching himself, laughing and applauding.

Grabbing Chrump by his filthy mouth. Bad dog, bad dog!

 

Like some perverse, cosmic (hopefully, soon-to-be-cancelled) shit-com, one zany escapade after another hit the airwaves. The Access Hollywood revelation, as it turned out, eclipsed the serious breaking news, from just an hour earlier, that the Russian government was interfering with our presidential election. Then, a half-hour after the Access Hollywood tape surfaced, Wikileaks released the hacked Clinton camp emails that Chrump had asked the Russians to release. Chrump of course learned of the existence of these emails after Don, Jr., Mr. Ivanka, and Paul Manafort met with Russian agents who promised “dirt on Hillary”. This dirt, which was described as, “part of Russia and its government’s support” for the Chrump campaign, was an excellent addition to the help Jared was giving Russia to maximize their targeting of specific groups on Facebook, Twitter, etc. in order to swing the election in Chrump’s favor. For you fans of the whodunit game Clue, it was Kushner, in the Chatroom, with a Russian hacker.

I. Mangrey reporting. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm. Could be the calm, the calm before the storm. 

TMI

Here is our reporting from one year ago today…

Does He Kiss His Daughter With That Mouth?

Excess Hollywood
October 8, 2016

A Real Handful

I just can’t figure this thing out. To flee or not to flee that is the question. Many people are saying that I have been a bit obsessed with this Chrump thing. I don’t know why people would say something like this, but I read all the internets and I think I saw it somewhere, or someone told me, so I assume it must be true. It is painful to watch and painful to write about and I apologize for dragging you into this with me. That being said, as I had almost finished the report below, the One-Man Insane Clown Posse has outdone himself. As Category 5 storm Matthew prepared to batter the southeast coast of the United States, a Category Chrump Shit Storm blanketed the news. Though less devastating to life and property, this latest disclosure might put a permanent dent in the Candidate From Hell. Let me give you this excerpt straight from the horse’s ass’s mouth:

“I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I am automatically attracted to beautiful women – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star you can do anything, they let you do it…grab them by the p****. I can do any of that.”

Yes ladies and gentlemen there you have it, vintage Don Chrump circa 2005, talking about how he sexually assaults women, just a few months after marrying his third soon-to-be-ex-wife Melania. I assume she has already signed a non-disclosure agreement.

Daughter Ivanka, who daddy Don has verbally groped on television and who he groped on stage at the RNC said this past May, “He's not a groper. He has total respect for women.” I hope she has a really good therapist.

Daddy dearest

It’s Official Now

Those Russian hackers mentioned below were officially accused by the Obama administration of carrying out an extensive hacking operation in an effort to interfere with the 2016 elections. Many people are saying that Obama is just angry because Putin likes Chrump more than him. According to Chrump, “Obama will never get away with this. He is grandstanding and trying to scare the American people with Russian hackers. I was the one who said the election would be rigged if I don’t win, so he’s just trying to say it will be rigged if I do win. What a loser. Why does Obama pick on the Russians? They never bothered anyone. Is he just jealous that they have a stronger leader? Many people are saying that. Many people. We’ll see. Mark my words, it was not the Russians. It could be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, okay? Believe me.”

I. Mangrey reporting. It’s not my fault.