February 21, 2019
According to reports based on reliable sources, maybe not as
reliable as Putin (who Chrump trusts more than our nation’s intelligence
community), but reliable nonetheless, everyone around Der Furor is reaching the
end of their ropes. All except the only
two people he listens to – Ivanka and Jared.
They of course, have to be very careful if they want to stay in the
will. As if there will be anything left
after dear old dad finishes paying off all his legal expenses. And the Russians. And some as yet to be determined number of porn stars or other women who have credibly accused him of sexual assault or harassment.
Donald Chrump, rockin’ his Third
Rate “presidency”
Of course, most of Chrump’s best people have already
abandoned the New Titanic for one reason or another, one way or another. Some have been asked, told or tweeted to move
on. Not a single one has been fired by
Donald “You’re Fired” Chrump himself, since he does not have the balls to
confront anyone face-to-face. Some (not
very many) have moved on to other jobs (or at least tried to), some have moved
on to spend more time with their families, or to start them. Some have decided (with help from Mueller) to
spend time in jail, which one assumes is easily better than spending one more
second with Chrump.
A non-insignificant number of Chrump appointees, alright, a
stunningly large number – most likely a record number – left under varying
numbers of clouds and/or indictments. And
remember, these are the best people. And
Chrump clearly gathered many of them to his side. To be fair, Chrump could not have known so
many of them would get caught.
Our imaginary sources report that several unfortunate souls
who have not yet found a way out have submitted self-incriminating evidence to
Mueller’s office, hoping they can get some cozy jail time rather than stay on
in Chrump’s nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue.
One aide, still working on his exit strategy told Paying
Attention reporter T. Doff, “I just can’t take another minute working for this
lunatic. When he’s not away golfing or
here watching television or on the toilet tweeting, which thankfully is most of
the time, he wanders around screaming – sometimes at someone in particular, but
usually at thin air. If you think he’s a
weird color when he’s prepped, you should see him when he’s raving. I literally worry that he’s going to burst
into flames. He’s constantly comparing
hand size with everyone he sees and asking everyone how his “hair” looks. Is he fucking kidding? Even when that shit’s glued into place, it
looks like it’s been arranged with a Mixmaster.
I don’t care if I never work anywhere again. I’d rather be sentenced to two years of root
canal. The only good thing is, I somehow
managed to avoid signing a non-disclosure agreement – the rumor is even
Melania’s kid had to sign one. So you’ll
be hearing a lot more from me once I have procured my freedom. I truly hope that one day I’ll be able to
look at myself in the mirror without throwing up. I don’t know what the hell I was
thinking. This guy is a clown and a major
asshole…in case you haven’t noticed.”
I. Mangrey reporting.
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