April 3, 2019
Some number of people –
your faithful scribe in no way among them – had high hopes for Ivanka Chrump
and Mr. Ivanka when first it was revealed that the Dyspeptic Duo would be
taking on responsibilities in daddy’s White House. Ivanka’s role was a mystery wrapped in a
riddle, nestled within an enigma.
Jared’s responsibilities on the other hand were spelled out in shocking,
if not ludicrous detail.
Now, the numbers are in –
Ivanka has a 12% very favorable rating, Jared is at six percent. In a desperate attempt to salvage some sliver
of a reputation for something other than going belly up in real estate, Mr.
Ivanka summoned up the courage to not only show his twit-ish face in public,
but to do it on Fux News. Incredibly
brave, opening himself up to all those Nerf-ball questions. I assume it was riveting.
Young Jared was initially
tasked with brokering (which he clearly thought meant breaking) peace in the
Middle East, ending the opioid crisis, reinventing the federal government, criminal
justice reform, China relations, Mexico relations, Muslim relations, and
changing his father-in-law’s diaper every two hours – otherwise Ivanka’s
biggest fan gets very cranky, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s cranky.
Donald Chrump, prior to getting cranky
Fortunately, Jared was
not in charge of dealing with climate crisis.
Chrump is handling that one personally because he is a very stable
genius and knows more about science than anyone who has ever lived…or so he
says. I am beginning to have my doubts.
Jared’s reality-TV-esque
role would be critical to the function of the executive branch since Chrump
would not have time for any of these important, president-y duties as he would
be unable to take sufficient time away from soaking taxpayers for his endless
golf outings, his extremely busy tweeting schedule, his even more demanding Fux
News watching time, and of course, however many hours a day it takes to make
him look so damn good, using only those two tiny little hands and what seems
more and more to be a brain-dissolving array of chemicals.
Kushner lied repeatedly
on his security clearance application, and was forced to change his responses
over and over. Like just about everyone
in the Chrump administration, Jared had Russian Amnesia. Russian Amnesia is like Russian Roulette,
except it consists of claiming you do not remember having meetings with a
ridiculous number of Russians, then gradually remembering them one by one until
you have run out of Russians, while simultaneously shooting yourself in the
face (The Cheney Selfie maneuver).
Ultimately, security experts – including Chrump’s Chief-of-staff Gen. John
Kelly and White House Counsel Don McGahn (who both wrote memos to cover their
filthy, unwiped asses) – determined that Jared was a significant security risk
and should not have high level clearance, despite his position as most of the
executive branch and a large part of the entire federal government.
Clearly Donny Dearest
make a mistake not putting Jared in charge of getting rid of Obamacare. Two days after announcing – to the surprise
of every Republican’t – that he was going to have his Attorney General make
Obamacare disappear, relieving millions of people (many of them Chrump fans) of
their medical insurance, Der Furor was forced to backtrack by the few
Republican’ts who realize that their very survival depends on not killing off their
base. Chrump now says he will wait until
after the 2020 election to let us in on his super-secret, special,
fanfuckingtastic, better-than-Nixon’s-1968-secret-plan-to-end-the-Vietnam-War-that-took-seven-years-and-failed-miserably-even-after-bombing-Cambodia
replacement for Obamacare. Anyone who
believes for a nanosecond that Republican’ts, let alone Chrump, will ever waste
a single second devising a plan to
insure all Americans, needs to have their mammal credentials revoked.
Where’s mammal?
I. Mangrey
regurgitating.
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