Missing In Agita

We’re Not All Here…But You Probably Knew That

September 17, 2019

We are sorry for missing out on so many amazing stories lately.  We are a bit short-handed here at Paying Attention.

Veteran reporter T. Doff is off in the Himalayas trying to find himself.  Associate Editor Allyson Wunderland is traversing the Australian Outback trying to lose herself.  Shay King has checked herself into a facility with nice soft rooms whose walls are perfect for banging one’s head against.  With any luck one or more of them will return in time to handle what is guaranteed to be a frenzy of mind-crushing activity from the Orange Gas Cloud as the impeachment process, the impending economic collapse and the electoral walls close in around him like small size spandex on a bloated golfer who claims to weigh 239 pounds, but is closer to 329.  He never was very good with numbers…or anything else.

Here are just a few of the literally hundreds of the Tales From the Crook’d:

Yes, we skipped the long overdue departure of Chrump’s third National Security Advisor John “Just Blow ‘em The Fuck Up” Bolton.  Bolton says he quit, Chrump says he wa fired.  Since Chrump lies about everything all the time, we are forced to believe Bolton.  Many pundits admit that Bolton, who has never been shy about speaking his sick mind, is, whatever else he might be, intelligent.  If only he could use his intelligence for goodness instead of stupidity.

  You’re fired.               You can’t fire me, I already quit.

We let slip the Conman-in-chief “suggesting” that our military stay at one of his shit-hole resorts, where their stipends were not sufficient to cover their food and drinks at Chrump’s over-priced roach motel – the money of course, ends up in the qresident’s pockets.  Some people think this is illegal; let us at least agree that it is despicable.

We missed Ivanka proudly proclaiming that she inherited her father’s moron moral compass.  “My father taught my siblings and me the importance of positive values and a strong ethical compass.”  Seems as though daddy’s little girl also inherited her father’s very, very large uh-brain and his pathological relationship with the truth.  They deserve each other, and I mean that in the worst way imaginable.

Oh daddy, are you looking at my moral compasses again?

We were unable to report on yet another fucking major news outlet, this time ABC News, neglecting to count climate crisis among the topics worthy of discussion at yet another Democratic primary debate.

We were unable to respond to Chrump’s claim that the reason he looks orange, “and so do you” is a result of the non-incandescent light bulbs.  All we can say is that the orange ogre told his audience, “People said what's with the light bulb? I said here’s the story, and I looked at it: The bulb that we're being forced to use — number one, to me, most importantly, the light's no good. I always look orange…and so do you.” 

First of all, no we do not, it’s just you pumpkin-colored putz.  Second of all, you nacho-ma-cheese-mo mutant, if you had even a hint of functional brain tissue inside the rotting pumpkin on your shoulders, you would not admit that the most important aspect of the issue is how you look.

Third of all, with all due disrespect, you are a lying, deranged sociopath.

Chrump thinks the artificial light from the Sun
makes him look orange, not his tanning spray

Despite the expected immanent return of our team, we know we will never be able to keep up with the myriad misadventures of our mango-esque miscreant.  Nevertheless, we will persist.  Ed Venture is thankfully still at his desk cleaning up my messes so the posts are not foul of typos.

I. Mangrey treading water.