Q Speaks

Feeling Q(un)easy

November 28, 2020

Sitting in for Ted Koppel – Hunter S. Thompson

Hey, remember the Tea Party? They emerged, pretty much out of nowhere in 2009. They claimed to be opposed to big government, and federal deficits, and in favor of reducing the national debt – all things the Republican’t party claimed as their core philosophies. Funny thing, Republican’ts ballooned the federal government, deficit spending and the national debt almost routinely. Less funny thing, the Tea Party suddenly realized they had these beliefs right after America elected our first black president. What a coincidence.

The Tea Party took over much of the Republican’t Party, featuring such dim bulbs as Louis Gohmert, Steve King, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and many even lesser lights. They made a name for themselves by screaming bloody murder at town halls, freaking out about Obamacare (which was actually based on plans developed by Republican’ts). Apparently, the Tea Party became too mainstream for much of America, which has led to the emergence of a new group that makes the Tea Party look tame and sane by comparison. A group that our current IMPEACHED Fake Lame Duck president has taken a liking to, and that is currently insinuating itself into the mainstream of the Republican’t caucus.

The bizarre, insane and sociopathic conspiracy theory militia is known as QAnon. QAnon is the Tea Party on PCP, steroids, a double helping of meth and apparently the brown acid from Woodstock. These brain-damaged fruitbats pay fealty to the great, glorious, anonymous (and very possibly Russian creation designed to damage free societies by sowing irrevocable discord) Q. Their fearless (except for the fact of being unwilling to acknowledge neither his actual existence or identity) spews conspiracy theories of the “Deep State” who is hard at work undermining their lord and savior – Donald Chrump. Also, Q is responsible for spreading the insane conspiracy that Democrats are part of a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles running a global child sex-trafficking ring along with the likes of Tom Hanks. No one knows exactly who Q is, but he purported to be a highly placed government official.

What these fetid followers of the one they call Q do not know, is that Q is a race of extra-dimensional beings of unknown origin who possesses incalculable power over time, space, the laws of physics, and reality itself. The Q is capable of altering the very fabric of reality to their whim  and one among them spent a good deal of time sowing chaos across the galaxy, seeming to take particular delight in heckling the Federation flagship USS Enterprise, particularly while it was captained by the great Starfleet Captain Jean Luc Picard, though I too encountered the often dangerous hijinks of Q during my very brief stint filling in for Jean Luc 300 years from now (don’t overthink it; it’s the space-time continuum Jake).

I and Q aboard the USS Enterprise

Recently, Q paid me a visit, confiding, “I have it on good authority – me, that is – that Donald Chrump has been eating people suffering from the virus that bears his name – the Chrumpvirus – in order to inoculate himself from future infections. Many people don’t know this but my intergalactic sources make it clear that this is the only way a man of his horrid physical and mental condition could possibly avoid being re-infected time and again, especially given his countless attempts to expose himself and others to the virus at rallies, election loss parties, and weekly golf outings. Since he remains in the White House, he has been able to cause the in-house chefs to deep-fry these disease-ridden unfortunates – not all of whom were deceased prior to becoming a meal for Chrump – in order to make them more palatable to this fast-food addict.” It’s not me saying this, it’s just what I’m hearing from very good, very strong and very smart intergalactic beings.

You heard it here first folks.

I. Mangrey reverberating.