The Plot Sickens
December 23, 2020
This past Monday was the Winter Solstice. The day with the
least amount of daylight each year. Unfortunately, we have yet to reach the
day with the least amount of horrifyingly insane, fascist attacks on our
democracy, our sanity and our physical health, courtesy of Donald Chrump. There
is not as yet any absolute guarantee that we will ever see that day, though
there is a good chance of that day arriving on January 20, 2021.
For the time being, Chrump is becoming increasingly
despot...I mean desperate. He has been self-sequestered in his favorite
bathroom (except when he is off golfing) since shortly after being
unceremoniously crushed by the American electorate who decided to show Chrump
the door. Many hope that door is constructed out of good old U.S. steel bars. By
most accounts he is busying himself making pardon lists, plotting revenge,
marinating in the counsel of other psychotic, autocratic morons, and trying to
fuck the country up as much as possible in the off chance he decides to leave
the White House when the clock strikes noon on January 20, 2021. But mostly,
according to one Chrump advisor, “He's throwing a fucking temper tantrum”
(actual quote). So what else is new?
Chrump recently wandered out of hiding to hold a press
tantrum. He looked dazed and apparently forgot to get dressed, or perhaps he
can no longer be bothered. Or maybe he thought he was still in his bathroom. In
his current fugue state, he neglected to notify the press, so he ended up
ranting into the void…for the most part. Our intrepid reporter Ann T. Soshal,
who has been staking out the White House for signs of intelligent life, caught
the act and transcribed every word, for better or worse. Ann subsequently
tested positive for Severe, Horrendous Imbecile Trauma (SHIT), has been pulled
from the field and is resting comfortably thanks to our stock of RENT-A-COMA.
No one should have had to see that.
Chrump Speaks
“I’m still the president, even though I never get thanked
enough for being the best president ever. No way will Sleepy Joe be president.
He can pretend all he wants. Biden says he will have the most diverse cabinet
in history. First of all, he lost the election. By a lot. I will soon have so
much proof you won’t believe it. That I can tell you. I have the best proof.
You will be amazed when you see it. And if I decide it’s not worth showing you,
I’ll just make my military guard the White House so no one can get in. And then
I will build a big, beautiful wall to protect me from all those fake voters. I
will be sure to tell you when I’ve decided to stop being president. That’s how
it works. Read the Constitution morans.”
“Sleepy Joe is not sending us his best people – like I did. They’re
bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume are
good people. Not really, I’m just saying that because I’m so presidential.”
At this point, it seemed that despite his eyes and mouth
remaining open, Chrump had completely lost consciousness for several minutes.
Eventually he snapped out of it and picked up, one imagines, where he left off.
“Speaking of presidential, I don't even think Sleepy Joe has
a Twitter account. He will never be up at 3:00 am tweeting on the toilet. What
kind of president would that be? He doesn't have the energy. I don’t think he
plays golf every week either.”
“His so-called fake cabinet is just a bunch of fake losers
with too much experience. None of my amazing cabinet people had any experience
and look how great they did. Who needs it? I had the best people. So many of
them. I had more cabinet people than any other president. The most. And they
were always ready to tell me how
great I was.”
“I know some of you think I will be leaving the White House
on January 21st. Don’t count on it. Only a loser would leave after
one term where they didn’t even win the popular vote, even with help from
Russia.”
“The great, disgraced General Mike Flynn, who was personally pardoned by your favorite president Donald Chrump after being convicted of lying to the FBI, says I can declare martial law in the states that said I lost. My great general says I should re-run the election in those states – it happens all the time – and I have the absolute right to do it. And, I know a lot about reruns. I had a tremendous show that should have won many Emmys, but the voting was, as always when Chrump is concerned, fixed and rigged against me. This is no way to treat the greatest, most successful president of all time.”
It seems Chrump’s recent demeanor and actions are setting
off alarms in the West Wing. Really? His recent demeanor and actions?
Ed Venture
Managing Editor
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