Predictions,
Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
December 29, 2020
Where We Will Have Gone From Here
It is time to pick up where we laughed
off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried, tenuously
toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2020 melts away like Greenland’s ice
sheet. If you had
already started your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing
this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling
refreshed. In any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the
way it will be in 2021. Buckle up, good chance of turbulence ahead.
Eenie meenie chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak
January 19, 2021
Take Your Carnage And Shove It
After seeing the breadth and scope of the sabotage inflicted on America by outgoing 45th president, whose name escapes me at the moment, Joe Biden holds a hastily convened press conference. Looking more ashen than usual, the president-elect read a brief statement.
“My fellow Americans,
it is with a heavy heart that I stand before you today. Well, sort of. As everyone knows, I
won the presidency by one of the largest percentages in our great nation’s
history. I was proud of the campaign I ran and extremely grateful to the more
than 80,000,000 Americans who put their faith in my ability to bring America
back from the disastrous reign of my predecessor.
I was very much looking forward to taking on this all-but-impossible task because I love this country. However, as I looked over not just the damage the last guy did in the first three years and ten months of his time in office, but what he’s done since I crushed him at the ballot box and the Electoral College, I had to make a big decision. Just when we all thought, or at least hoped it couldn’t get any worse, Donald and his people attempted to destroy what little he had not already ruined in an effort to leave me with almost nothing to work with – something no administration could hope to recover from. It is with this in mind that I relinquish my presidency back to Donald Chrump. Mr. Chrump, I leave it to you to clean up the previously unimaginable shitstorm you created.”
“And I thought actually being president was going to be fun. This could be even better.”
“I look forward to watching Chrump dig his way out of this hell-hole. And, my fellow Americans, make no mistake, I’m not doing this because the ignorant motherfucker I was elected overwhelmingly to replace says I have to prove all of my votes were legitimate – pardon my French. And that's no malarkey. I’m doing this for the sheer entertainment of watching him try to figure out how to undo the shitscape he created in order to fuck with me. Again, French, sorry. Finally, I would say – Donald, go fuck yourself.” Biden had to be assisted off the podium, as it appeared he might collapse from laughing so hysterically.
The Dropout
Chrump recreates the wedding scene from The Graduate at his
“Alternative Rally” where he launches his 2024 re-presidenting campaign.
Screaming from the assembled crowd at the top of his lungs as Joe Biden takes
the oath of office. Rather than screaming ‘Elaine’, he can be heard bellowing “I
won! I won! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Everyone knows I’m still the
president!” After being ordered to leave the area, and seeming to be unable to
drag his bulky mass to safety, Chrump is ultimately escorted kicking and
screaming from the National Mall once and for all. As he is being hauled away,
he is heard croaking, “Chrump 2024! Four more years! Maybe even eight or
twelve! Chrump 2024!”
One Minute past Noon, January 20, 2021
Flee-Bitten
Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance, Jr., who had been
busy for several months interviewing numerous players in Donald Chrump’s world
of crooked business in order to build a case against the life-long criminal,
announces indictments for Donald Chrump and all of his non-Tiffany adult
children. Chrump and progeny are detained at the airport as they attempt to
flee the country. All are found to be in possession of one-way tickets to
Ukraine. No word yet from NY State Attorney General Letitia James, who has been
waiting less than patiently to get her subpoenas on the Chrump Crime Family.
Oh, and the District of Columbia has some issues with Donald, et al.
That guy who used to be president has some splainin' to do
Go and have a nap or a concussion,
maybe some Prozac or a quick round of Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance
Part III is coming soon. Get ready for the end of 2020. We’ve got the
Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless hazy
replies, and celebrated a surprising number of “Signs point to yes”. These
are not fake predictions.
Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.
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