Vice Presidents Behaving Badly
Seventeen years ago on this day, then vice-president, torture enthusiast and traitor Dick "Elmer Fudd" Cheney shot his hunting partner during a drunken "hunting" expedition. Cheney ultimately got an apology from his victim, so it could not have gone better for Cheney. We present the story in its original font.
Cheney Bags Birds And Blasts Buckshot Into Buddy's Brain
Corpus Christi, TX
February 13, 2006
Two days ago Dick Cheney was enjoying his favorite pastime - hunting defenseless, essentially caged birds. It should come as no surprise that the man who pushed for pro-torture legislation takes pleasure in this type of leisure pursuit. It is, after all, much more enjoyable than shooting fish in a barrel for a man like Cheney who loves to hobble around with his rifle in one hand and his cane in the other, determined to enjoy life to the fullest (in this case by murdering harmless and defenseless little creatures for the fun of it) before his semi-bionic heart explodes into a million pieces. At least this activity provides the illusion that the birds are actually live, wild animals (sort of like Cheney himself). No matter that these poor birds are starved for several weeks with fishing weights strapped to their legs, have just the right percentage of their feathers coated with crude oil rendering them all-but-flightless and are basically raised as captives in a fenced in area on the ranch of a prominent neo-conservative.
Unfortunately, on this particular occasion, Cheney did not have Antonin Scalia accompanying him. This is believed to be because there were no active court cases involving Cheney on which Scalia might be presiding. Instead, Cheney was “hunting” with Harry Whittington, an Austin lawyer and Bush appointee who presumably was helping Cheney with his legal defense in the Valerie Plame case. Testimony from Lewis I “Scooter” Libby that Cheney told him to out Plame was made public just days before this “hunting” trip. Valerie Plame was an undercover CIA expert on Middle East WMDs whose identity was made public as retaliation against her husband and life-long Republican, Joseph Wilson who had the nerve to speak out against certain actions (lies actually) by the administration.
It is also possible that Whittington was helping Cheney with other issues since he serves on the Texas state Funeral Services Commission. It is not actually known in which capacity Whittington was invited to join Cheney in his sporting foray. It is suspected that the unfortunate Whittington may have given the Veep some unacceptable advice at just the wrong moment, causing the ever-unstable Cheney to clutch at his chest while forgetting momentarily that he was wielding a shotgun, which unfortunately discharged into the face and upper body of the unwitting Whittington.
It is also possible that Cheney just likes shooting people in the face.
As one would expect, the Vice-president not only blamed his victim for the alleged mishap, but Cheney neglected to report the incident to authorities until well into the day after the shooting. It is believed that Cheney needed this time to consult with lawyers on whether it would be best to simply dispose of the body or if there was some way to spin the whole event to make it look benign or perhaps even a positive situation to prove what a manly, take-charge kind of guy Cheney really is. It also seems likely that Cheney wanted to sober up before speaking to authorities.
Once it was determined that Whittington should be allowed to live, Cheney decided to have his personal medical team bring Whittington back to consciousness and a level of awareness and physical ability wherein he could sign a series of waivers absolving Cheney of any responsibility in the alleged incident. In fact, the incident remained a secret until Katharine Armstrong, the owner of the ranch told a local paper of the occurrence. Fortunately, Mr. Cheney was unarmed when he heard that Armstrong “spilled the beans to those M*&%$# F*$#@%&s in the F*&^%$ing media.”
Although it is certainly tragic that a relatively innocent person has been shot, we all knew it was only a matter of time before Cheney started shooting people personally. He was perhaps the single most determined, vocal and dishonest supporter of the illegal invasion of Iraq and has been very jealous of all those lucky soldiers in Iraq who get to shoot, torture and generally kick ass every single day as they make their way through the merry minefield that is Iraq.
It is well known that Cheney now regrets having gotten those five deferments (apparently he thought it would look better on his record to have more deferments than DUIs) that kept him safely out of harm’s way during Viet Nam when it was his turn to serve the country he says he cares so much about. He never realized what unbridled fun it could actually be to shoot ‘em up. In fact, on a previous hunting-of-defenseless-birds outing, the Veep and his party of ten (none of whom were shot by Cheney as far as we know) killed 417 out of 500 hapless creatures before passing out drunk and exhausted while having Cheney’s medical team tend to their horrendously blistered trigger fingers. Cheney has vowed never to go hunting with “that f*&^ing idiot Whittington who doesn’t even have the f%*&ing sense to keep his stupid f*&$ing face away from the business end of my f*&^ing rifle” again.
I. Mangrey, repeating.
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