The Fooler Bible Saleman

Introducing The God Bless The USA Bible

March 28, 2024

Disgraced, twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president and proud rapist P.T. Barnum…I mean Donald Bloodbath Trump continues to find ways to fleece his feckless flock. The Goliath of grifting has teamed up with uber/faux patriot Lee Greenwood to dangle before the weak-minded among us an irresistible shiny object designed to extract money from those with little to spare to their favorite make-believe billionaire.

Trump’s tagline for his latest shameless con is “We must make America pray again.” We’ve got news for you buddy, many people have been praying for years, but not for what you what you think?

Trump told the gullible yahoos who still listen to him that “All Americans need a Bible in their home and I have many.* It’s my favorite book.” He may or may not have added, “I often use the wonderfully thin pages as toilet paper, which has nothing to do with my need to flush 10 or 15 or sometimes 40 times. The pages also make good snacks. Sometimes, when I'm not busy throwing it against a wall, I put ketchup on them. They are also good with peanut butter, and if you're allergic to peanuts, the excellent Bible verses will keep you safe. If not, who cares, it’s God’s will. You will really love The Art of The Bible…or whatever we’re calling it. These Trump-endorsed Bibles are very affordable – only $59.99. If you can't afford to pay that much for a Bible, just send $59.99 directly to me and forget about the stupid Bible. What about me? Donald Trump. Aren't I worth $59.99 to you? Do you want to save America or have all your loved ones blown to bits by the radical Democrats, Marxists, fascists and woke losers? God bless the United Shates and Donald Trump.”

Trump’s absurd Bible also includes other great hits from the hand of God

* The U.S. Constitution

* The Bill of Rights

* The Declaration of Independence

* The Pledge of Allegiance

* Full-color photos of all of Trump’s absolutely legitimate golf trophies that he totally won at his own golf course

Huh?

Who talked him out of gold plating it…
and leaving off the swastika?

Bipolar much?

One reviewer touted this travesty as “The best literary remake since Henry Ford’s autographed and annotated Mein Kampf.” 

This is the only Bible endorsed by Donald Trump himself. Unfortunately, it is also the only Bible not endorsed by God.

God weighs in, going right at professional conman and rapist Trump:

Sir, what the actual fuck? Why are the fucking Constitution, the Bill of Rights and other political documents in a Bible? Are you out of your fucking mind? You might as well have put The Best of Hustler in there. Neither one has anything to do with me. If anything, Hustler might be more appropriate since there was a naked woman in the Garden of Eden. This is utter bullshit, and I know bullshit when I see it – I invented bullshit for Christ’s sake. To quote Bill Cosby (my bad), “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.” Again, sorry about the whole Cosby thing, but nobody’s infallible. You hear that Pope dude? And dude, the fucking pages stick together. You even tell people to watch a YouTube video to learn how to “break in your Bible.” Since when do you need to break in a fucking Bible? What did you do, choke your chicken on each one? You are one sick fuck. And from now on, keep my name out of your fucking mouth. By the way, what’s with that fucking “hair?” I had absolutely nothing to do with that seriously fucked up shit.

Don’t miss out on this chance to not own a piece of shit history. Avoid buying your copy of this travesty against religion, democracy and humanity that only Donald Trump could put his name to today.

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*It would be harder to find Trump’s many Bibles than it was to find Saddam Hussein’s WMD.

I. Mangrey remorsing.