Tantrums R Him

Crisis at The Border (Between Chrump and Reality)

January 9, 2019

Chrump continues his stunning and futile attempts to hide from Robert Mueller’s everlasting gobstopper investigation behind his big, beautiful, invisible wall of steel slats, or unicorns, or marshmallows or whatever.  His wall is a hoax, a fake, a joke – just like Chrump himself.  Chrump’s very, very imaginary uh-wall will not impede the real walls closing in on him, his collusion-soaked campaign to hand America over to Vladimir Putin, and his criminal family. 

Desperately seeking to turn the spotlight away from his impending indictment and all the excitement over the 116^th Congress taking over, Der Furor decided to flex his awful orifice in the Oval Office in prime time.  Chrump managed to keep himself focused long enough to read some words someone put in front of him, trying desperately to foment fear and loathing within his ignorant racist base, and whip up support (and campaign donations) for his wall-or-nothing shutdown.

Chrump distresses the nation from the Oval Office

 

Chrump may not look like a rug (after all, he is anything but flat), but he lies like one, and he looks like he has one covering his empty head.  Last night the lies flowed from Chrump’s face sphincter like so much toxic waste from any number of chemical manufacturers into the ocean of public opinion.  His believers believe it all.  His detractors – the majority of Americans – know better.  Nevertheless, he persists.  Like a tick.  He will continue to suck the precious bodily fluids from his victims, until he explodes.  Like all good ticks, he leaves behind poisons, some of which can debilitate or even kill.  Personally, I can already feel the sickness coursing through my brain.  Your mileage may vary.

After his nap, worn out from all that reading for nine minutes, Chrump ran straight to Fux News and told his BFF Sean Hannity, “I have the best shutdowns ever.  This is my third one already and in a day or so I’ll have the record, the longest shutdown ever.  Is this great or what?  Nobody knows more about shutdowns than me.  All the people who are not getting paid because of my big, beautiful shutdown are very happy.  They’re selling things they never really needed, to get money – like their cars, furniture and some I hear are unloading some extra children.  Who needs all those kids?  After all, they cost a lot of money.  And what do they give in return?  Unless there’s a really hot daughter involved, who really cares?  I would have sold Eric, and probably Don, Jr. if I needed the money.  No big deal.  Everyone loves what I’m doing – making America so great again – and I’m more popular than ever.  Believe me, I know.  Nobody knows how popular I am better than me.”

After his nationally televised tantrum, Chrump met with Republican leaders – who are finally growing somewhat weary with their dear leader – and then held a private tantrum with Schumer and Pelosi.  Pelosi responded in the negative when asked if she would give Chrump his wall money after he agreed to reopen the government.  Little Donny Douchebag reportedly slammed the table and stormed out of the room, immediately running to his toilet to tweet:

One of the most awesome lies to emerge from last night’s Oval Office tantrum was Chrump saying the wall would pay for itself.  It is clear that Mexico will not pay, and it is clear that the American public does not want to pay for it, so Chrumpo the Magnificent assured us that the wall would pay for itself.  Apparently, the wall is either going to leave home and get a job, or is going to become a national park/monument, thereby bringing in billions of dollars in tourist money.  Or maybe the wall will get a few billion dollars from its father.

You’ll love my new Liquid Wall

I. Mangrey resenting.