Musing in action
November 7, 2016
November 7, 2016
Chrump voting is drunk voting.
When I uncovered Darn Old Chrump’s concession speech several
weeks ago it looked like Hillary Clinton was easing nicely to the finish line. We
learned that Chrump’s then campaign manager, who had previously worked for a
number of other despots, conned his conman boss into dumping Chris Christie and
going with Mike Pence as his VP. We also learned that Chrump’s other handlers
treat him like a child as well, distracting him from his mania to steer him in
the general direction of sanity and maturity. We heard Chrump himself coach
himself to act mature – out loud and on stage in front of his adoring, if clueless
fans. How could a Twitter-addicted (Speaking of Twitter, team Chrump has cut
off their boss’s Twitter access in recent days.), tone-deaf dipshit like this
possibly get elected to anything? President? Pshaw. Then the FBI decided to go
coup coup for Cocoa Chrump and the whole thing started turning to shit. Nobody
could have anticipated that the FBI would team up with Russia to ensure America
elected someone with a very good brain…for a five year old, someone who is
literally a blank slate, who they can get to do anything as long as they
promise he can still stand in front of a camera every day. Now just days out,
my sources at Wackileaks have gained access to his…gulp…acceptance speech.
Nobody knows how this mess will play out now. My hair is falling out, I haven’t
eaten or slept in almost a week and my eyes and ears are bleeding continuously,
but unfortunately not enough to stop me from seeing and hearing this grotesquerie
unfold.
Hopefully this will only last
for four years…if I promise to behave.
I come before you extremely embarrassed and only moderately
suicidal. I never believed it was possible. I really thought it would be okay.
I tried to give you hope, not allowing myself to be deluded alone. I couldn’t
be sorrier. Of course, I posited, Chrump had some support, but surely America
is not filled with enough racist morons who distrust lying politicians so much
that they would elect a pathologically lying carnival barker from the private
sector just because he was a hate-filled mental defective like they are. I
apologize for being so wrong and so naïve. What could possibly have made me
think that America was unready, perhaps even unwilling, or as I so foolishly
thought – incapable of doing one of the most wrongheaded and dangerous things
ever done? America as you may recall wasn’t even stupid enough to elect George
W. Bush in 2000. That was done by five very smart Supreme Court justices. Very
smart. That I can tell you.
We take you now – because there is no way you would go
willingly – to the Chrump Hotel in Moscow for the first official broadcast of
Chrump TV bringing you live the acceptance speech of America’s 45th
president…not Hillary Clinton. In addition to the unmitigated horror/surprise
of Chrump’s victory the other surprise is the existence of Chrump’s Moscow
hotel. When did that happen?
I have the very best brain.
But I left it in my other
pants.
Here is what we uncovered…
It is with a very good brain, which is where I store the
best words, that I Donald J. Chrump congratulate myself and all Americans…who
agree with me…on a totally non-rigged victory over Crooked Hillary Clinton. She
never had a chance against Chrump. She got totally schlonged. Just like all of
you folks. I am ready, with the help of my children and a very few other
advisors to take America into the America-Made-Great-Again-By-Chrump-Century,
and that by the way is trademarked so do not ever use that without permission
or I will sue the shit out of you. Now where was I? Okay calm down Donald,
focus, stay on point Donald, remain calm and serious looking, use your very best
big boy words…okay that’s enough of that Donald, now just let it loose and say
what you really think; you don’t have to listen to all those “advisors” anymore
Donald. Nice Donald, good Donald. Many of you think I just said all of that out
loud. I did not. I never say that. And you know what really bugs me? John
McCain had his “straight talk” and I have my “locker room talk”. Nobody gave
McCain – who is a loser by the way – a hard time, but when Chrump has his own
talk – straight, locker room – what’s the difference? Could it be the dishonest
media? Anyway, as I was saying, I totally accept the result of this obviously
not rigged election. When I said over and over and over that the election was rigged
I didn’t really mean it. Well, I did kind of mean it, but not really. Now I
want all of you to tweet your ideas for how to get rid of ISIS. I was only
kidding about having an amazing plan to defeat ISIS. I assume all of you knew
that and voted or me anyway. Maybe you voted for me because I have the world’s
greatest temperament. Maybe it was my incredible hair. Admit it – it was the
hair wasn’t it. It was either the hair or the racism. You know how hard it is
to do my hair with the terrible new spray pumps? Terrible. Believe me. Nobody
knows hairspray better than me. Or racism.
What this? This is my tweeting finger.
I knew all along that I would win this thing. Nobody knows
more about winning than I do. Nobody. Thanks go to states like North Carolina, Ohio,
Kansas, Arizona, Virginia, Georgia and Texas who valiantly and patriotically
tried to keep thousands and thousands of The Blacks from voting. I want to give
a special thanks to Anthony Weiner’s private server. How lucky for me that the
FBI got its hands on Weiner’s hard drive. You know the FBI can do whatever they
want…grab them by the private server. I especially want to thank all my
excellent supporters in the FBI. It’s like I had an ace up my sleeve and didn’t
even know it. Who would have thought that the FBI was full of right-wing, nationalists
who like so many others such as my big supporters in the KKK, agreed with my
amazing message and would want to leak lies and innuendos about Crooked Hillary
Clinton to Fux News and Rudy Giuliani just before the election. I would have
won anyway, but I’m glad the FBI is on my side especially given my upcoming
fraud trial over my excellent university, all the women accusing me of sexual
assault and my long history of organized crime connections and collusion with
the Russians.
Some of you may be wondering why I’m giving my acceptance
speech from my new hotel in Moscow. I didn’t think it was a good idea to
announce my beautiful new luxurious Chrump/Putin Palace Moscow during the
election. I wanted to keep you in suspense. I also didn’t think it was any of
your damn business what I do with my money. Putin thinks it’s the nicest hotel
he has ever seen. He is a strong leader with very good taste. He sure knows how
to pick an American president. Putin wanted top billing, but I said no way. Now
he knows who’s boss. And I will make sure America stops being mean to Mr.
Putin. We were so mean to him and for no good reason.
A shadow of his former self
Finally, I am so happy that all of my lies were so
effective. They always have been. They have been the cornerstone of my business
and my life. Also my very classy late-night tweeting was very impressive. Very
impressive. Nobody knows how to use Twitter better than me. I will be tweeting
constantly now that I have more free time since the campaign is over. Only now
I will be lying and tweeting for America. You’re welcome.
I look forward to getting rid of millions of Mexican rapists
and lowering the minimum wage so no more Mexicans will ever bother coming into
our great white country. And so many of the losers who didn’t vote for me will
be running to Mexico for better paying jobs. Of course many of you poorly
educated white folks – I love the poorly educated – will also be wanting those
good-paying Mexican jobs, but hey it builds character. You’ll thank me later. Next
I will get rid of Obamacare and replace it with free Band-Aids for everyone…who
voted for me. Everyone will be fee to pay for all their own medical care. Isn’t
that terrific? I told you I’d replace it with something terrific. These are
just some of the ways I will make America pretty good again. Speaking of
Barrack Hussein Obama, I will finally put this birther issue to rest by
executive order. I think you will be very impressed by how I finish this thing.
Many people are saying that I said I would make America great again. Wrong. I
never said that. That is wrong. It was just a campaign slogan, not a promise.
Even though no one knows America better than me and no one knows great better
than Donald Chrump. I am also looking forward to suing many reporters who I was
not permitted to beat up on the campaign trail, as well as all those women who
exposed my sexual assault activities. And the communist Wall Street Journal who
reported that I had an affair with a Playmate after I married Melania? Lock
them up. They will be sorry. And the horrible AP is reporting that Melania
worked here illegally before getting the appropriate work visa. So what if it’s
true. So what? I will sue them anyway because I am the fucking president. I
will make America suck again, as I said all throughout the campaign – it was
even on the hats I suckered you into buying.
You know that flag I was fondling last week. I am going to
fuck that thing big league now. When the president does it, it is not
inappropriate. I can do whatever I want. Speaking of that, I will be spending
much of my time here in Moscow while Mike Pence takes care of all those totally
boring policy things. Thank god I don’t have to act presidential anymore. Now
that I am president, whatever way I act is by definition presidential. I
promise to be the greatest president ever. Am I white…I mean right? Remember I
kept asking The Blacks, “What the hell have you got to lose?” Well, now you’re
all going to find out. So go fuck yourselves while I decide who to bomb the
shit out of first. Be careful or it could be you.
Mad in USA
Special Election Eve Bonus Photo
Chrump grabs Christie by the p-word
VOTE OR DIE
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