Monday, November 7, 2016

Splintering Toward the Finish Line

Acceptance/Denial Speech

Musing in action
November 7, 2016
Chrump voting is drunk voting.
When I uncovered Darn Old Chrump’s concession speech several weeks ago it looked like Hillary Clinton was easing nicely to the finish line. We learned that Chrump’s then campaign manager, who had previously worked for a number of other despots, conned his conman boss into dumping Chris Christie and going with Mike Pence as his VP. We also learned that Chrump’s other handlers treat him like a child as well, distracting him from his mania to steer him in the general direction of sanity and maturity. We heard Chrump himself coach himself to act mature – out loud and on stage in front of his adoring, if clueless fans. How could a Twitter-addicted (Speaking of Twitter, team Chrump has cut off their boss’s Twitter access in recent days.), tone-deaf dipshit like this possibly get elected to anything? President? Pshaw. Then the FBI decided to go coup coup for Cocoa Chrump and the whole thing started turning to shit. Nobody could have anticipated that the FBI would team up with Russia to ensure America elected someone with a very good brain…for a five year old, someone who is literally a blank slate, who they can get to do anything as long as they promise he can still stand in front of a camera every day. Now just days out, my sources at Wackileaks have gained access to his…gulp…acceptance speech. Nobody knows how this mess will play out now. My hair is falling out, I haven’t eaten or slept in almost a week and my eyes and ears are bleeding continuously, but unfortunately not enough to stop me from seeing and hearing this grotesquerie unfold.

Hopefully this will only last for four years…if I promise to behave.
I come before you extremely embarrassed and only moderately suicidal. I never believed it was possible. I really thought it would be okay. I tried to give you hope, not allowing myself to be deluded alone. I couldn’t be sorrier. Of course, I posited, Chrump had some support, but surely America is not filled with enough racist morons who distrust lying politicians so much that they would elect a pathologically lying carnival barker from the private sector just because he was a hate-filled mental defective like they are. I apologize for being so wrong and so naïve. What could possibly have made me think that America was unready, perhaps even unwilling, or as I so foolishly thought – incapable of doing one of the most wrongheaded and dangerous things ever done? America as you may recall wasn’t even stupid enough to elect George W. Bush in 2000. That was done by five very smart Supreme Court justices. Very smart. That I can tell you.
We take you now – because there is no way you would go willingly – to the Chrump Hotel in Moscow for the first official broadcast of Chrump TV bringing you live the acceptance speech of America’s 45th president…not Hillary Clinton. In addition to the unmitigated horror/surprise of Chrump’s victory the other surprise is the existence of Chrump’s Moscow hotel. When did that happen?
I have the very best brain. But I left it in my other pants.
Here is what we uncovered…

It is with a very good brain, which is where I store the best words, that I Donald J. Chrump congratulate myself and all Americans…who agree with me…on a totally non-rigged victory over Crooked Hillary Clinton. She never had a chance against Chrump. She got totally schlonged. Just like all of you folks. I am ready, with the help of my children and a very few other advisors to take America into the America-Made-Great-Again-By-Chrump-Century, and that by the way is trademarked so do not ever use that without permission or I will sue the shit out of you. Now where was I? Okay calm down Donald, focus, stay on point Donald, remain calm and serious looking, use your very best big boy words…okay that’s enough of that Donald, now just let it loose and say what you really think; you don’t have to listen to all those “advisors” anymore Donald. Nice Donald, good Donald. Many of you think I just said all of that out loud. I did not. I never say that. And you know what really bugs me? John McCain had his “straight talk” and I have my “locker room talk”. Nobody gave McCain – who is a loser by the way – a hard time, but when Chrump has his own talk – straight, locker room – what’s the difference? Could it be the dishonest media? Anyway, as I was saying, I totally accept the result of this obviously not rigged election. When I said over and over and over that the election was rigged I didn’t really mean it. Well, I did kind of mean it, but not really. Now I want all of you to tweet your ideas for how to get rid of ISIS. I was only kidding about having an amazing plan to defeat ISIS. I assume all of you knew that and voted or me anyway. Maybe you voted for me because I have the world’s greatest temperament. Maybe it was my incredible hair. Admit it – it was the hair wasn’t it. It was either the hair or the racism. You know how hard it is to do my hair with the terrible new spray pumps? Terrible. Believe me. Nobody knows hairspray better than me. Or racism.

What this? This is my tweeting finger.
 
I knew all along that I would win this thing. Nobody knows more about winning than I do. Nobody. Thanks go to states like North Carolina, Ohio, Kansas, Arizona, Virginia, Georgia and Texas who valiantly and patriotically tried to keep thousands and thousands of The Blacks from voting. I want to give a special thanks to Anthony Weiner’s private server. How lucky for me that the FBI got its hands on Weiner’s hard drive. You know the FBI can do whatever they want…grab them by the private server. I especially want to thank all my excellent supporters in the FBI. It’s like I had an ace up my sleeve and didn’t even know it. Who would have thought that the FBI was full of right-wing, nationalists who like so many others such as my big supporters in the KKK, agreed with my amazing message and would want to leak lies and innuendos about Crooked Hillary Clinton to Fux News and Rudy Giuliani just before the election. I would have won anyway, but I’m glad the FBI is on my side especially given my upcoming fraud trial over my excellent university, all the women accusing me of sexual assault and my long history of organized crime connections and collusion with the Russians.
Some of you may be wondering why I’m giving my acceptance speech from my new hotel in Moscow. I didn’t think it was a good idea to announce my beautiful new luxurious Chrump/Putin Palace Moscow during the election. I wanted to keep you in suspense. I also didn’t think it was any of your damn business what I do with my money. Putin thinks it’s the nicest hotel he has ever seen. He is a strong leader with very good taste. He sure knows how to pick an American president. Putin wanted top billing, but I said no way. Now he knows who’s boss. And I will make sure America stops being mean to Mr. Putin. We were so mean to him and for no good reason.
A shadow of his former self
Finally, I am so happy that all of my lies were so effective. They always have been. They have been the cornerstone of my business and my life. Also my very classy late-night tweeting was very impressive. Very impressive. Nobody knows how to use Twitter better than me. I will be tweeting constantly now that I have more free time since the campaign is over. Only now I will be lying and tweeting for America. You’re welcome.
I look forward to getting rid of millions of Mexican rapists and lowering the minimum wage so no more Mexicans will ever bother coming into our great white country. And so many of the losers who didn’t vote for me will be running to Mexico for better paying jobs. Of course many of you poorly educated white folks – I love the poorly educated – will also be wanting those good-paying Mexican jobs, but hey it builds character. You’ll thank me later. Next I will get rid of Obamacare and replace it with free Band-Aids for everyone…who voted for me. Everyone will be fee to pay for all their own medical care. Isn’t that terrific? I told you I’d replace it with something terrific. These are just some of the ways I will make America pretty good again. Speaking of Barrack Hussein Obama, I will finally put this birther issue to rest by executive order. I think you will be very impressed by how I finish this thing. Many people are saying that I said I would make America great again. Wrong. I never said that. That is wrong. It was just a campaign slogan, not a promise. Even though no one knows America better than me and no one knows great better than Donald Chrump. I am also looking forward to suing many reporters who I was not permitted to beat up on the campaign trail, as well as all those women who exposed my sexual assault activities. And the communist Wall Street Journal who reported that I had an affair with a Playmate after I married Melania? Lock them up. They will be sorry. And the horrible AP is reporting that Melania worked here illegally before getting the appropriate work visa. So what if it’s true. So what? I will sue them anyway because I am the fucking president. I will make America suck again, as I said all throughout the campaign – it was even on the hats I suckered you into buying.
You know that flag I was fondling last week. I am going to fuck that thing big league now. When the president does it, it is not inappropriate. I can do whatever I want. Speaking of that, I will be spending much of my time here in Moscow while Mike Pence takes care of all those totally boring policy things. Thank god I don’t have to act presidential anymore. Now that I am president, whatever way I act is by definition presidential. I promise to be the greatest president ever. Am I white…I mean right? Remember I kept asking The Blacks, “What the hell have you got to lose?” Well, now you’re all going to find out. So go fuck yourselves while I decide who to bomb the shit out of first. Be careful or it could be you.

I. Mangrey reporting. We live in Strangelove times.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Special Election Eve Bonus Photo

Chrump grabs Christie by the p-word

 

 

VOTE OR DIE
 

 

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